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Nov. 13th, 2007 05:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dmxratedWarning: Sexual content pertaining to my recent Sgt. Frog fanfic!
Jake didn't like the fanfic that I posted the other day.
First of all, he mentioned that I should have better descriptions of the girls' expansions. I described Natsumi's expansions, but with Angol Moa, Momoka, and the ghost in the basement, I just figured that readers would assume that their expansions would be the same as Natsumi's.
Then, there's is the following paragraph:
Momoka continued to hold the video camera to tape Moa’s act with, while Fuyuki was busy gripping his stiff cock through his pants. He was now starting to wish he could put that thing into someone’s pussy or mouth. Not that he never did have an erection before. In fact, he indeed had the tendency to lust over his own mother Aki (especially whenever she did come home). If one takes into consideration that that woman had the biggest bosom he had ever seen (up until today, that is) and was known to wear revealing clothes while at home, then it wouldn’t be that hard to understand. But even Aki was never one to act like such a depraved slut, like Moa was right now.
Jake also mentioned that "They got zapped. Their breasts expanded. Next scene please!" is not his style. I'm guessing that that's where I need to describe the ghost's and Momoka's expansions each. As for what actually happen after those two particular girls are transformed, though, I think it's fine as it is. Fuyuki uses the BE device on the ghost, he and Moa do a hi-five, and the doorbell rings. Momoka is then introduced in the fic, some dialogue ensues between her, Fuyuki, and Moa, Fuyuki zaps Momoka, Momoka's amazed at her own transformation, and then Moa invites everyone to watch her shake her ass. Honestly, I don't know what else should happen that didn't, other than describing the new measurements on each of the girls.
Finally and most notoriously, there's the actual sex scene. Jake's complaint wasn't so much about the action itself, but about the way I described things like oral sex ("suck suck suck suck suck suck") and penis-cleavage contact ("up down up down up down up down").
It sucks that I wrote a fic that Jake requested, not to mention one which he helped me develop a plot for, and the final result is that he doesn't like it. He suggested that I read other people's lemons to get a better idea on how to write the sex. Yes, I will get around to that sometime, and I will write a better version of the fic before posting it onto DeviantArt. As for that paragraph about Aki... I'd keep it.
Well, I wrote the fic, it took me an entire week to write, I proofread it for errors, and at least I'm satisfied with it. But the point is that Jake was the one to request it, and he didn't like it. How would I feel if Ellen's fic (which I requested) turns out to suck in the end? I am going to make the Sgt. Frog fic better whenever I get around to it, and when it does happen, I'm going to post the improved version on Deviant Art. (Speaking of which, I tried posting the current version yesterday morning on DA, but I don't think the site was able to read the file. In short, I need to learn how to actually post fanfiction onto DA.)
Jake didn't like the fanfic that I posted the other day.
First of all, he mentioned that I should have better descriptions of the girls' expansions. I described Natsumi's expansions, but with Angol Moa, Momoka, and the ghost in the basement, I just figured that readers would assume that their expansions would be the same as Natsumi's.
Then, there's is the following paragraph:
Momoka continued to hold the video camera to tape Moa’s act with, while Fuyuki was busy gripping his stiff cock through his pants. He was now starting to wish he could put that thing into someone’s pussy or mouth. Not that he never did have an erection before. In fact, he indeed had the tendency to lust over his own mother Aki (especially whenever she did come home). If one takes into consideration that that woman had the biggest bosom he had ever seen (up until today, that is) and was known to wear revealing clothes while at home, then it wouldn’t be that hard to understand. But even Aki was never one to act like such a depraved slut, like Moa was right now.
Jake also mentioned that "They got zapped. Their breasts expanded. Next scene please!" is not his style. I'm guessing that that's where I need to describe the ghost's and Momoka's expansions each. As for what actually happen after those two particular girls are transformed, though, I think it's fine as it is. Fuyuki uses the BE device on the ghost, he and Moa do a hi-five, and the doorbell rings. Momoka is then introduced in the fic, some dialogue ensues between her, Fuyuki, and Moa, Fuyuki zaps Momoka, Momoka's amazed at her own transformation, and then Moa invites everyone to watch her shake her ass. Honestly, I don't know what else should happen that didn't, other than describing the new measurements on each of the girls.
Finally and most notoriously, there's the actual sex scene. Jake's complaint wasn't so much about the action itself, but about the way I described things like oral sex ("suck suck suck suck suck suck") and penis-cleavage contact ("up down up down up down up down").
It sucks that I wrote a fic that Jake requested, not to mention one which he helped me develop a plot for, and the final result is that he doesn't like it. He suggested that I read other people's lemons to get a better idea on how to write the sex. Yes, I will get around to that sometime, and I will write a better version of the fic before posting it onto DeviantArt. As for that paragraph about Aki... I'd keep it.
Well, I wrote the fic, it took me an entire week to write, I proofread it for errors, and at least I'm satisfied with it. But the point is that Jake was the one to request it, and he didn't like it. How would I feel if Ellen's fic (which I requested) turns out to suck in the end? I am going to make the Sgt. Frog fic better whenever I get around to it, and when it does happen, I'm going to post the improved version on Deviant Art. (Speaking of which, I tried posting the current version yesterday morning on DA, but I don't think the site was able to read the file. In short, I need to learn how to actually post fanfiction onto DA.)