dmxrated: (Default)
I have just imported this blog from LiveJournal, in light of certain events involving its servers and TOS. Yincira is already preparing to delete her LiveJournal account, with Tumblr already providing an outlet for her fiction rants. (Despite instructions to delete my original blog as per LJ's new guidelines, I am still leaving everything there for traction, especially since this whole import has already been completed save for my still queued comments.)

Right now, I have more important things to do than to comb through everything these past twelve years. I might revise individual entries that either I revisit on my own or someone alerts me is to any extent broken or out of context, though. However, as a general rule, if I said "this site" on any day before April 9, 2017, I am referring to LiveJournal, not this site.

(Also, since this is likely to be the only time I post a sticky-entry, I suppose this is a good time now to start referring to my Pokemon ficseries, formerly Parasitic Trio, by its new title from over a year ago, Unwilling Service.)
dmxrated: (Kagami)
Chapter 13 of Starcrossed Sisters:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12401714/1/Starcrossed-Sisters

-----

Dad picked us up some Turkish takeout for Mom's birthday. While Mom and I were sorting the food out, I accidentally knocked over the container of red lentil soup by a ladle that Mom placed in it.

From now on, let's take care of that first, and set it aside before we manage everything else.

-----

Let me be honest with myself as I continue putting my life back together:

My interest in Lucky Star has all but waned at this point.

Might come back to Starbound another day, but up until recently, I had simply been more interested in Pokemon. Just sent Jake another apology several days ago, after something dawned upon me and I figured he'd at least have had enough time to cool off, but I still have yet to hear from him. Even if he does, though, he still has yet to get his life back in order, and I still have next year's trip to save up for.

So, with even that off the table now, I mainly just wanna focus now on Madoka. I'm not even particularly interested in reading any fanfiction anymore, aside from what I commission for.

Speaking of which, since I no longer plan on writing anything personally like I did between uploading the original Cibus fic as it still remains to FanFiction and having Brian talk me out of rebooting it more than a year later, and with Starcrossed Sisters panning out so well as it is so far and looking fine even without her input, I gotta say that waiting for Yincira is also a moot point, at least as far as fanfiction goes. I did already mention hoping to discuss some terms for critiques whenever she does, but without my original reason for discussing fanfic possibilities, all that's left is commemoration and because I had already sent her Oriko (original and Extra Story), Kazumi, and Suzune Magica to read personally, and I'm sure she'd appreciate not having to brainstorm anything involving such fetishy subject matter inherent in the Cibus project. (Jake even told me in his last email thus far that Yincira might've been avoiding me because of that, and even though that's only an inference from a different person than her, I have no reason to doubt that might indeed have had partly to do with it.)

Confused.

Sep. 20th, 2017 07:31 pm
dmxrated: (Yuichi)
Need time to decide whether I actually wish to reconcile with Jake later on. Writing this, because now is not likely the time to bombard him with yet another email.

Jake. I'm sorry I made nearly everything about me. I'm sorry I became overly aggressive and acted so inconsiderately towards your agenda and situation. I'm sorry I gave you such a thing as permission to postpone further discussion for later, and then yanked it on you. I'm sorry I let all my emotions get the better of me. I'm sorry I came off as justifying myself when I only meant to analyze what ultimately led me to write "go fuck yourself." I wish I hadn't gypped myself of certain answers by assuming at the point in question that they weren't coming anyway, and I would be grateful to hear whatever you would've had to say. Again, I know we both said everything we respectively said at the heat of the moment, and you'll need some time to cool down before deciding whether to stand by it all or not.

At the same time, though, let me say this just for the sake of honesty, because I know it's not right to ask someone to come back and then demand that they make up for their own actions: Read more... )

You're free to contact me whenever you wish, if you ever do, but otherwise, I'm probably gonna take between a few months and a year before we talk again, if it's back on the table even by then.
dmxrated: (Default)
Jake told me he read both my previous entries, and only saw me blaming everyone else, and especially him, for my actions.

My fault for not having been clear about this in the first place, but I only meant to look at things objectively. Emotions are what drive someone to do something, and they don't come from nowhere. I do get that a person can still choose whether to act on them or not, but at the same time, it is only natural to want to hold others accountable for their decisions, and often enough, it's the right thing to do.

In this case, though, I do acknowledge having crossed the line between accountability and needless badgery.

-----

Mom later emailed me from work, asking what's going on. All I said at first was "Jake and I are done." Upon filling her in after she asked, she then suggested that maybe we both just need a break from eachother.

Whether Jake will or has accepted a more genuine apology I had gone on to email him, we can make things right later. Right now, I still need to sort my own agenda back out, and that includes simply putting Unwilling Service back on the back burner until next year.
dmxrated: (Yuichi)
All I wanted in the first place, was to have a meaningful break from Lucky Star after re-reading the prologue of Bonds. I wanted to start reading other people's Madoka fanfics, as the one who commissioned for and hosts Cibus Esculentus Madoka Magica, and under such conditions that they would actually interest me.

Sure, I was still focused on Starbound and some related material, but then Yincira left after a few months of worthwhile discussion, and no one I contacted afterwards offered real help with the Cibus project.

Now, I've already long forgotten about Blood's works from 2013, in favor of the since-revived Unwilling Service, but even that has ceased to matter, and I don't know where to go from here. It's hard to look forward to anything when the only things I've really succeeded with so far have been the ongoing Starcrossed Sisters and a line of pics from one other person in particular.

Jake, I'm sorry I gave you permission to disengage and then revoked it on you. I wasn't thinking.

We're still not done, though. I still value this relationship of ours, but it's your responsibility too. At the very least, I want to make sense of what actually led up to this latest disaster in such a long line as has been going on. I honestly thought we were on such good terms about things. You did realize how hard it is to be enthused about what's little more than a rehash of the games' plot, but that said nothing about any half-measures you'd later refer to.

I'll try not to be a sea lion. Just work with me, okay?
dmxrated: (Yuichi)
In addition to what I wrote yesterday and deleted last night, I said some hurtful things to Jake the day and so before. All those few things were on impulse, because nothing seems to matter anymore. Every attempt I've made these past two years to derive fulfillment from something just ended in one more failure, like I was never meant to have some fandom legacy to leave behind when I die.

Two days ago, Mom and I were running some errands, starting with the library to pick up some books I had on hold. She was the one to bring that up first, when we were leaving the gym that morning, before I asked about it again several times later for the sake of planning. That much went smoothly, and then she made another stop to Savers. I hopped over to Stop & Shop to pick up some cookies, but after that, could only pace around in an aisle before she showed me some tupperwares she found for said cookies. By that point, I just wanted to go home and sleep everything off, she told me she wouldn't be long, and I replied that she always says that and then takes around half an hour, and she got annoyed in turn and gave me the keys back to the car. (She actually did take only five more minutes.)

(In fact, had I gone on to live independently after college, I might very well have disowned my parents for such disregard for my own agenda that they seemingly displayed, such as by never negotiating to have me take fewer than four classes each semester, although I would still have welcomed any attempts to reconcile. It's a good thing I had continued living with them, having only concluded things about that more than a year ago.)

I also asked Yincira the other day how her mental recovery is going so far. That was on impulse, and I knew she still wouldn't have any real timeframe planned out, but I figured that maybe learning about the details would help me draw some kind of estimate. It does help that she mentioned to someone on Tumblr, having the spoons to read others' fanfiction and try out new shows again, from which I went on to remind her of Stars Above and suggest Divine Gate, but there are still things surrounding a certain subject that she told me only last week that she's tired of at this point, mostly in relation to what she might be willing to critique when she's ready in general. (Yincira, just hear me out when I do bring it up. I'm not gonna bombard you with this and that. I've got things drafted up for that point, since now still isn't the time, which is why I didn't contact you directly.)

I had also pulled the plug on what's gonna be my last attempt to recruit anyone for Unwilling Service. Only two people even bothered to apply (although Heather did come back, long after I stopped expecting to hear from her), which tells me that there aren't that many people left who might still be interested in the project. The fact that I even had to upload it a third time, because of nearly everyone I hire fizzling out and half of those I put on hold obviously moving on (evident from their lack of a response when I call them up), should speak volumes how well that's all gone.

In addition to that, there's not even any fulfillment left to derive from the story itself. All it is now is a reminder of how badly Jake had alienated me. To his credit, he did deny his own feelings as an excuse for having left such trust and consideration as mine unfulfilled. However, when I asked him what he meant about half-measures, among other things, he specified my ban on muscles being one of them. How he felt is up to him, but that just left me the impression of a six-year-old who ignores some instructions given to him and does things his own way, and then upon being called out, decides that he hates whatever involves them. Like he just decided not to take me seriously in the first place when I laid out a simple rule.

(In addition to all that, I can't help but also remember various other moments that didn't go so well between me and him. Not gonna take him on a guilt trip, though; I'm only mentioning that to explain what led me to treat him in such a way that he'd tell me off just last night.)

My decision to stop dealing with the story altogether also has to do with that still-planned trip to Japan, from which the story would also suck funding for as I pay others to flesh out each chapter I write. However, at the same time, I have also gone on to fish for OC-oriented Cibus fics, built around the Cibus/Esuriens dynamic itself instead of reworking canon characters around said dynamic (which can still wait until Yincira's back). So far, no one has bitten, and John is still busy with Starcrossed Sisters, but I'll be sure to ask it of him when he's done. Meanwhile, while I am not going to write anything as a Christmas gift, I did also ask Brian if he'd write anything for me as such.

Right now, I've just asked Link-NM, the owner of Makendou Central, if he'd be willing to help me plan out my Makendou story, but I'm done getting my hopes up about anything at this point. I'd be grateful if he actually did show some interest, but the only reason I haven't commissioned anyone for that is because barely anyone is familiar with Makeruna! Makendou, and obesity as a fetish is also a niche interest.

Basically, I've been at wit's end, and Jake had at least half to do with it. That's why I became increasingly hostile to him and even quick to assume that he had decided to disengage with me when I tried to reach an understanding with him, despite having given him permission in the first place to come back to it later. (If anything, though, I should have started my following email to him with "On second thought" or something.)

I hope Jake will forgive me for that while still accepting responsibility for his failure and doing whatever he can, whenever he can, to make up for that, especially since he himself had treated me similarly before for similar reasons that he'd explain years later on LiveJournal. If he does, maybe we can have another go with Unwilling Service and some kind of agreement surrounding that whenever he's got his life back in order, especially if that's within a year from now before I head to Japan. If not, that would be all the more reason just to leave it behind.
dmxrated: (Default)
Asked Mom yesterday to make a sidestop to Barnes & Noble on her way home from work to pick up whatever she can find for me to wrap up for Marie for Christmas. She in turn proposed that we both go, but I went on to explain why I asked her just to go, which involved her workplace's proximity to the Smithhaven Mall and how I could have kept my cash in the first place to spend instead of paying in debit right after making a bank deposit the other day.

We picked up on it shortly after she came home, and she suggested that instead of buying things, maybe I could write something tailored specifically for Marie and even others, something she also suggested when I explained my whole fanfiction dilemma to her and Marie the other day. I went on to explain that my muse does not work that way, that I can't just pick something to write about and magically come up with ideas for a story. Long story short, the circumstances leading up to anything I ever had planned out were much more natural and complicated than that. (To describe each of those individually would require a rough draft in my notebook first.)
dmxrated: (Default)
Marie has left this morning, but has expressed interest in continuing Puella Magi Madoka Magica next time she comes over after having watched episode 3 last night.
dmxrated: (Natsuki)
The four of us went to the beach for what will likely be the last time this year. The water was pretty rough, and we only went in waist-deep before coming out to dry off and then leaving.

(Mom brought Dad, Marie, and Sam there the previous day, but I declined because I needed some time to unwind right after running some errands.)

-----

For dinner, Mom had Marie order some Turkish food, and I went with her to pick it up. Upon arriving, we saw a huge flock of crows in the parking lot and on the phone wires, digging through mulch for worms.

The two of us later watched another episode of Lucky Star. After it ended, she asked if that was my favorite show, which I confirmed, specifying Puella Magi Madoka Magica as my other as well, asking if she remembers that. She confirmed, and asked if that was what the game I intend to play on her phone comes from, which I confirmed in turn. She then agreed to watch an episode of that today, which I have pulled up on Crunchyroll right now for after she finishes eating breakfast.
dmxrated: (Default)
After finally having gotten Brian to read the 4th grade file I wrote last year and getting closure on it, I'm feeling somewhat more inclined now to deal with Starbound again. While I still don't have the spoons to deal with the sixth chapter, I would like everything I wrote to lead up to something.

To begin with, the next thing we were supposed to cover was Popotan and its inspiration for my fic's version of Magicant; might re-watch that for myself, one episode at a time, once Marie leaves. Going further, though, with nothing else moving along at the moment, this might be a better time than any to buy the entire Mother GBA trilogy and play game 1 for the sake of a walkthrough. Might also be a good way to buy more time to master kanji before playing Magia Record, for which I might actually ask Marie just to bring her current phone with her next time she comes over (should be Christmas at the latest, if not Thanksgiving), instead of mailing it to me. Might take another trip to Brian's place on Christmas.
dmxrated: (Default)
Reposted Unwilling Service to Upwork for the third time yesterday morning. This time, I am not putting anyone on hold; given everyone's combined track record, it would be better to assign the same chapter to multiple contractors then to depend on only one person at a time for each chapter and then have nearly everyone else move on by the time they fail.

-----

Brian and I watched a fandub of Miyakawa-ke no Kuufuku yesterday. At first, he wanted to show me this game called Towerfall, but I told him I didn't want to look at any new games for the time being. (Did make a point of checking it out on YouTube when I eventually got home, and it looks interesting enough.)

Bought seven bottles of bubblegum soda, on top of ten I had bought the previous day, while the two of us awaited Marie and Sam to bring me home. As it turns out, though, Marie actually told me that Mom actually referred to someone else's grandmother from where she works. I wound up bringing one bag of five bottles home with me, while Brian kept all the rest, and had one for myself to go with a slice of pizza I got somewhere we stopped for lunch.

Marie had to bring Sam to a job interview in New York, so she drove me first to Bridgeport to hitch a ferry to Long Island. I read the rest of volume 3 of Et Cetera during the ride, and we were just in time to catch the 3:30 ride.

Brought the soda issue up with Mom, and while she herself had never heard of that particular flavor until Marie sent her a picture of the first one I bought for myself, she did say that it probably is in fact available on Long Island, and that I just never notice it around because I hardly ever drink soda to begin with.
dmxrated: (cake buffet)
Ate with Brian, Marie, and Sam at The Haven last night for our last meal together. Having already had a chicken sandwich at Brassica for lunch only a few hours earlier (much later than I normally have lunch), I decided to get dessert instead of dinner, and ordered this ice cream dish called The '99, which Marie was sure to take a picture of.
dmxrated: (cake buffet)
Managed yesterday to get multiple naps in preparation for Marie's going-away party at 8 PM. Part of that might have had something to do with having had two chocolate chip pancakes at Forest Hills Diner for breakfast, but having gone to bed well past 7 last night, I've just managed to wake up at 5:45 instead of 4. (Also helps to have WaniKani off exactly for this reason, although I can't wait to reactivate that on Monday, the day after Marie and I return home.)

Because of how filling breakfast aforementionedly was, it was at 2 that I came over to Marie's place to finish off some pizza from the previous night for lunch. Along the way there, I stopped at the convenience store for some soda to go with it, and managed to land some bubblegum-flavored. (Marie would later tell me that, according to Mom and Dad, Grandma Barbara has been craving that while in some kind of rehab, so I'll be sure to stock up on some more before we head home.)

Also passed some waking downtime by coming back to Juice Jam, and discovered a 44-hour period of infinite lives I now have. That'll be good for when I'm back home, want to settle down, and will be glad to have one less morning that I wake up to a whole pile of WaniKani reviews to take care of while still not fully awake.

-----

For the party, Marie's friend Em's apartment was decorated with balloons, some streamers arranged to resemble the Golden Gate Bridge, and this toy light-up cat-thing that changes color each time it's tapped. She also had a soft-serve machine, and even though the ice cream was rather quick to melt, it was still good with any number of condiments (some of which were mine that I bought to provide), although candy corns and Sour Patch candies do get kinda hard when cold.
dmxrated: (Default)
Went shopping with Marie and Sam yesterday, for stuff for a going-away party Marie will be having tonight.

Also managed last night to watch an episode of Lucky Star with Marie and her roommates. Brian came and joined in halfway through, and then the four of them started a round of The Settlers of Catan. I sat by and followed along, and so did Sam when he came over shortly before I lost track of things and headed back to Brian's place.

-----

In light of a conversation I should not have had with Yincira (not describing the details here), one thing Brian and Mom have helped me place a finger on so far, was the feeling one gets when they discover somewhere someone else is willing to tread when it's something the former had reason to believe otherwise.

What I shouldn't have done, though, was put Yincira through some kind of litmus test. Even if what one actually presents isn't inherently offensive to the recipient, the act itself is still insulting.

Basically, when in doubt, ask, but only if you have any particular reason to.
dmxrated: (Default)
For lack of anything else to do for most of the day, I decided at some point to customize my phone, something that never crossed my mind otherwise. Set up this pic of Miyuki with her hair in a beehive as my wallpaper, and made that trumpet song from Lucky Star episodes 6 and 15 my ringtone after cutting off the first 14 seconds.

As planned, I eventually visited Brian at his workplace for lunch. He forgot I was coming, which was why I never heard from him on my phone and had to call him instead just quarter to noon, and we ended up eating at the taco cafeteria instead of that more varied place where I previously got only a small bowl of fruit. (I'm gonna remind him when he wakes up to call me and be ready for that latter place.)

I had brought my laptop with me so as to let him read that 4th grade thing, and he managed to read the whole 11-page remainder after stopping the first two times after pages 4 and 7. We had some discussion from there before he sent me back to his apartment, and I offered to let him view some commercials I linked to later on at Marie's place, when she and her friends are also there to partake in it.

-----

Brian brought me last night to this pub called Jeanie Johnston, where Marie and some of her friends from throughout their time there came to partake in trivia night. I managed to get a few answers in, but upon finishing what I ordered, I decided to leave.

Made a right turn out the door when I should've made a left. Brian and I had come by bus, and I expected to come across a subway station at some point before an ongoing drizzle got heavy. Eventually stumbled upon Brian and Marie's old apartments from between 2014-15, before coming all the way back.

Marie pointed me in the right direction, and I began to recognize my surroundings before finding my way back to Brian's place.
dmxrated: (Default)
Yesterday was Sam's birthday, and he and Marie came at 10:30 to bring me to this Chinese place called Dim Sum, where the food is pushed around in carts to order from as they pass by.

As of this morning, I have decided to rid myself of Job Offers by next week, having already found Upwork to fulfill the very purpose I created it for. If no one is interested in taking over, I will simply close it down.

Also, Mom actually managed to find that Far Side gag online yesterday morning:

dmxrated: (Default)
Brian had off from work for Labor Day yesterday, so he, I, and Marie did stuff together. Ate breakfast at Brassica, went kayaking around the Charles River, and then came back to Forest Hills. Brian went directly back to the apartment, but Marie and I visited this tiny pizza place down the street from her current apartment, from which we both took a slice and a cup of Italian ice back to her place before coming back to meet Brian.

I had a good long nap after coming back. Shortly after waking up, though, I finally had him read the beginning of my 4th grade autobiography. He had a lot to say overall, but in particular, he commented about something called the Mix-Up Twins of War. Copied from the file itself, here's an explanation of that whole thing:

Read more... )

Brian was interested in seeing the aforementioned Far Side comic, which he told me was probably a play on "The stakes of war" (and looking back, I realize might have been based on the trench warfare that dominated World War I. He and I both tried googling it, but couldn't find anything, so I emailed Mom to look for some books at the library for me to sort through.

(*Speaking of the World Wars, though, the early stages of it all also involved mooks attacking the world in planes from Aces Over Europe, a computer game we had that was set in WWII.)

I took a walk down the street once we were done chatting, and on the way back, happened to spot a Beanie Baby deer named Whisper on the sidewalk, and brought it back with me to give Marie. She commented on how long it's been since she used to have those.

The three of us then explored this nearby cemetery, before dining out at Dogwood. Upon coming back, I started getting ready for bed while they watched Dawn of the Dead.
dmxrated: (Default)
Here is chapter 12 of Starcrossed Sisters:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12401714/12/Starcrossed-Sisters

-----

Unfortunately, Jason had to back out of Unwilling Service due to family issues going on in his life, so I think the story might very well become something of a round robin as beta-writers come and go.

Went to someone else who I initially promised Ellen's chapter (only to give that to someone else by mistake; I apologized and she accepted) for May's, and also contacted another contractor who happened to be online at the moment for Jimmy's third. The latter of those took it up immediately, but I still have yet to hear back from the former, and will likely contact others today.

(Jake, meanwhile, has only come onto Skype those two times ever since I put my foot down. I'm not sure if he's read the few things I texted him since the second (one of which I paraphrased yesterday), or if he's still reading this, but unlikely as it may be, if at this point he's decided to beta-write the still-pending US chapters after all (assuming he couldn't think of anything else after I made it clear that his artwork isn't gonna count since he basically ignored my input, and has been too scared to contact me for other ideas), even if it's just those few more, I will still welcome them.)

-----

Not much had happened at home or during the trip here to Boston yesterday. However, I did spot a square-edged, amber die, slightly larger than a regular die, on the floor while awaiting the train in Bridgeport. With something like that, I should be able to roll more easily for 9, 18, 27, or 36 than by supplementing my primary die with an 8-sided one.

-----

Brian and I went to his apartment to drop our stuff off after I arrived, before heading to Marie's for breakfast-for-dinner. Marie had expressed interest in Lucky Star before, so I brought my DVDs of that with me, along with The Adventures of Pete & Pete (since we still have yet to find disk 1 of season 1 of that). We didn't actually watch anything though; the three of us, along with Sam, who had come to visit, mostly just talked before they went to this bar called Eugene O'neill's. (I just went back to Brian's because that was the time I normally go to bed, and I am not one for group conversations and would prefer not to wake up hung over in the morning.)
dmxrated: (Default)
Mom and I decided to get me a haircut yesterday. Instead of driving into the parking lot, though, she turned onto a less busy cross-street to drop me off before heading to MeatFarms. Had she done the former, she would have seen a note saying that Future Trims is closed until Tuesday. Instead, I had to call the house (somehow, Mom's number wasn't present in my phone anymore) and have Dad call Mom, who then got back to me and suggested I either wait for her or walk all the way down the street to meet her at MeatFarms, before the two of us headed to a different barber shop in Patchogue.

(Previously, Mom had me call the shop at 9:15. No one picked up, but we assumed it was because that was when they just opened up. I even asked Mom if it was any day in particular that they'd be closed, but she said she just wanted to make sure Andrew was in.)

-----

Here is chapter 2 of Unwilling Service: Jimmy's Quest, a whole fifteen months since I wrote its starting draft:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8870021/2/Unwilling-Service-Jimmy-s-Quest

Gonna have Jason work on May's chapter from here, since Zecobo hasn't replied to any of my messages since taking that up, so that I can give some attention to her as I continue writing once and for all once I'm back home from Boston, after having already done another chapter for Jimmy half a year ago and started yet another one recently.

(Thanks, Jake, for not doing your fucking job for an entire year, giving up on it only a few months ago, and deciding you don't have the spoons to follow some correction instructions I gave you for a make-up assignment. I could've had the chapter up way back then, and gotten a bunch more chapters in with all three fics ever since. Since my terms still happen not to count, don't bother finishing Mai's pic or drawing anyone else, unless it's for yourself. Just PayPal me $100, and we can put all of this behind us and never discuss another business deal again.)
dmxrated: (Default)
Went out for a walk yesterday morning to clear my head, and I still didn't have the spoons to deal with Starbound or Unwilling Service. Decided just to come back to Getter Love!! for until Marie fills us in on any plans of hers.

Played one round, but then she called shortly after it ended. During our call, I asked her offhand if she figured anything out yet, and she actually told me that she'd be coming here next week for one week before Mom takes her to the airport. From there, after some further discussion with her, Mom, and Brian, Mom and I arranged for me to go up there Sunday afternoon.

When I'm not getting everything together in preparation, I think I'll continue with Getter Love for just a few more days. That way, I'll remember to unplug my computer along with my TV set once I put WaniKani on vacation mode Saturday evening. (Glad I had a few days off from the game, frustrating as they may have been, for the sake of renewed enjoyment.)

(Also expecting Jimmy's second chapter pretty soon. Will wait until I come home, though, before I give Jason chapter 3 to work on, and that should also provide extra time for the ones I've assigned Ellen and May's chapters to finish up.)
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