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Nov. 9th, 2026 06:08 amTwo days ago, right before Brian arrived, I left a text on Uguu Blue about randomly remembering one thing or another Dad once said that I would then see as one more thing that normalized the way Jake would eventually treat me for twelve years, and urging Brian and Emily not to raise Maris how Dad had raised us. Mom saw immediately and got on my case about it, and Brian started to type something that didn't have a chance to come through before Mom brought me out to help out near the boathouse.
(Normally, I tend to keep things to myself. I must have snapped under a perfect storm of such depression as I had just described on my past video, having people over limiting what I can do right now, and the general lack of help I got in Rohan's place at work the other day.)
Upon arriving, I asked him what he wrote, and he said he does not want my input anymore on how to raise a child.
We did smooth things out back inside the house after helping out for a bit, but Mom later seemed to have interpreted his original text literally. Even though it is true that I will never know what it's like to raise a child, I interpreted such a response mostly to have to do with having insulted Dad like that.
Yesterday morning, I was going to send a video I found recently, about why we all tend to get rough with those close to us for minor infractions while maintaining politeness at all times with strangers, and spotted what I thought would be an even better video to share. Brian later responded with a Gemini screenshot about something Nietzsche once said, which seemed tangential at first, but upon actually checking, the video I sent actually specified more full-blown family dysfunction than we grew up with.
I tried to clear things up about my own intended point, but then Mom got on my case again for dredging up such negativity again about Dad. We had a long talk from there about my issues, that soon led us to a walk around Bellport away from Paul and Stephen.
I would eventually apologize to Brian last night for talking so negatively again about Dad, in my personal chat with him that I rarely use, and specifically offered to address my actual issues here. (He left a heart under each of three different texts comprising what I said.)
-
Here is the video I found originally, and I have actually paused this entry to watch it in full. It actually covers my exact point towards the end, that everything it explains does not actually excuse such behavior.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gryroFCrpM
Here's another important point to specify:
I do have reason to believe Dad would have held himself more accountable if I had actually held him as such for anything not in response to actual behavior. I do remember calling Mom, Brian, and Marie out on Uguu Blue the morning after he died, for taking their grief out on me several times throughout that day, and Brian actually did catch himself each time ever since, save for after that Walmart incident last year down in Virginia (that one led me the next day to speak to Mom privately, wondering if maybe he was justified then), and Mom also brought herself right back in line when I barked out for talking to me like "for fuck's sake!" when I was simply turning my head around instead of looking underneath the apartment furniture for something she asked for.
The thing is, I was already old enough at 38 to understand what kinds of things do and do not warrant aggravation from people. Maris is only three; she's only going to know what the adults in her life, starting with her very parents, tell her. She's not gonna understand what her rights are, which would include the right to spoken to respectfully even when someone is at their limit with things she had nothing to do with, and what kinds of things people should just respect by default. She's not gonna know what to prioritize over the wishes of an authority adult or any friend she would otherwise want to maintain.
-
So, that whole talk basically culminated in my concerns that Maris learn how to know her worth. Mom said that that's also what she and Dad wanted for me, and that Brian and Emily already have that on mind for her.
Let me circle around to what seemed to contradict that this whole time.
To start with, Dad actually did recognize Jake, twice, for the kind of person he actually is, probably drawing upon people he had known beforehand. Both times, though, were undermined by bad advice I went on to receive from others.
The first time is what leads back to him, so here's the second time first: The day after one particular argument I had with him in 2009, I actually considered whether or not to cut him out of my life, but became depressed without him to talk to. Shortly after Mom left, Dad told me that friends should not keep you on your guard, and suggested I write down his pros and cons as a friend. Unlike Oprah in one episode my 12th grade adolescent psychology teacher showed us before about abusive dating, he did not state then that his downsides should just be treated as a dealbreaker regardless, having simply compared him to Mabel whenever she would start biting whoever was holding her, and Mom had told me just before leaving for work, not to burn bridges with people just on a whim. (Not linking to the discussion I would soon have with Dr. Perret, whose entry would lead us to reconcile without an actual apology for Jake's own behavior.)
The first time around, on its part, began with Brian noticing a pattern of hostility early in January 2008 from what I kept describing of my experiences with Jake. It was during dinner that Dad outright described him as toxic and suggested that I simply fade from his life. I instead blogged a rant the next morning to state that I was leaving MSN back to AIM where my other friends at the time were, where he could come to meet me instead (deleted shortly thereafter to link to from the VGMusic forum, where I hosted some Zelda concept art that I'll get to soon). The next day still, Jake emailed me a counter-rant about how supposedly impossible I am to get along with, demanding that I meet him back on MSN to discuss things, and sure enough, I saw no point perpetuating things at all with him. At some point, Mom suggested I print a copy up to show Dr. Perret, but the advice he gave me as we went along wasn't to simply block him right back home on all platforms; it included the line "if he is anything but cordial and respectful".
I did fine that first time without Jake, but nevermind what right he didn't have to come crawling back after such a deliberate risk he took to lose me forever, one of the first things he said after what was more than a month without talking, after the topic of The Legend of Zelda came up, was "I'll bet Majora's Mask was a spy game," in response to how I described The Wind Waker to carry more of a pirate vibe than the medieval vibe Ocarina of Time and earlier games carried before them, upon discussing the subject of that forum thread. That seemed justified at the time, because more than a few people on the forum itself were finding reasons left and right to ridicule me for a year by that point (they were respectful enough in some threads). In turn, I had no way to tell that they were the problem, because even though Mom did stop giving sarcastic answers years earlier to off-the-cuff questions I'd ask, she had already taught me to expect that from others. Mrs. Bandows from earlier on didn't help either, with such antics as saying "It's right here!" when I was already making an effort to look for something we needed, but at the time, even when I wasn't misbehaving, all I could ask was why she was mad at me. I had no frame of reference to reject her frustration, like maybe my own parents wouldn't have acted like that, because often, that's exactly how Dad acted. One of the earliest examples of that in turn was when he told Brian (maybe several times; he was nine or going thereon) to go to bed (it actually was our bedtime), Brian was leaning his bare feet against the fireplace and told him he was warming his feet, and he went on to shout "Don't you tell me you're warming your feet!" before Mom simply advised him to put some socks on instead like Dad could have in the first place when he wasn't actually talking back to him so much as explaining something.
From something like that, how was I supposed to know when I do and do not deserve someone's respect, when years later, Dad could respond to something bugging me about school policies with some lip throughout dinner that he surely would not have wanted any boyfriend of Marie's to give her, or that Mom would've put up with while getting to know him, just because he was tired from work, instead of suggesting a better time to bring that up? I didn't know then how to separate the issue itself from such a way he was talking to me that would teach anyone my age at the time that basic decency is something to earn and maintain at all costs.
How does that mesh with wanting me to know my worth, to know that I have a general right to be spoken to respectfully, to express myself freely with people, and to set boundaries for people to honor at all times?
(Normally, I tend to keep things to myself. I must have snapped under a perfect storm of such depression as I had just described on my past video, having people over limiting what I can do right now, and the general lack of help I got in Rohan's place at work the other day.)
Upon arriving, I asked him what he wrote, and he said he does not want my input anymore on how to raise a child.
We did smooth things out back inside the house after helping out for a bit, but Mom later seemed to have interpreted his original text literally. Even though it is true that I will never know what it's like to raise a child, I interpreted such a response mostly to have to do with having insulted Dad like that.
Yesterday morning, I was going to send a video I found recently, about why we all tend to get rough with those close to us for minor infractions while maintaining politeness at all times with strangers, and spotted what I thought would be an even better video to share. Brian later responded with a Gemini screenshot about something Nietzsche once said, which seemed tangential at first, but upon actually checking, the video I sent actually specified more full-blown family dysfunction than we grew up with.
I tried to clear things up about my own intended point, but then Mom got on my case again for dredging up such negativity again about Dad. We had a long talk from there about my issues, that soon led us to a walk around Bellport away from Paul and Stephen.
I would eventually apologize to Brian last night for talking so negatively again about Dad, in my personal chat with him that I rarely use, and specifically offered to address my actual issues here. (He left a heart under each of three different texts comprising what I said.)
-
Here is the video I found originally, and I have actually paused this entry to watch it in full. It actually covers my exact point towards the end, that everything it explains does not actually excuse such behavior.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gryroFCrpM
Here's another important point to specify:
I do have reason to believe Dad would have held himself more accountable if I had actually held him as such for anything not in response to actual behavior. I do remember calling Mom, Brian, and Marie out on Uguu Blue the morning after he died, for taking their grief out on me several times throughout that day, and Brian actually did catch himself each time ever since, save for after that Walmart incident last year down in Virginia (that one led me the next day to speak to Mom privately, wondering if maybe he was justified then), and Mom also brought herself right back in line when I barked out for talking to me like "for fuck's sake!" when I was simply turning my head around instead of looking underneath the apartment furniture for something she asked for.
The thing is, I was already old enough at 38 to understand what kinds of things do and do not warrant aggravation from people. Maris is only three; she's only going to know what the adults in her life, starting with her very parents, tell her. She's not gonna understand what her rights are, which would include the right to spoken to respectfully even when someone is at their limit with things she had nothing to do with, and what kinds of things people should just respect by default. She's not gonna know what to prioritize over the wishes of an authority adult or any friend she would otherwise want to maintain.
-
So, that whole talk basically culminated in my concerns that Maris learn how to know her worth. Mom said that that's also what she and Dad wanted for me, and that Brian and Emily already have that on mind for her.
Let me circle around to what seemed to contradict that this whole time.
To start with, Dad actually did recognize Jake, twice, for the kind of person he actually is, probably drawing upon people he had known beforehand. Both times, though, were undermined by bad advice I went on to receive from others.
The first time is what leads back to him, so here's the second time first: The day after one particular argument I had with him in 2009, I actually considered whether or not to cut him out of my life, but became depressed without him to talk to. Shortly after Mom left, Dad told me that friends should not keep you on your guard, and suggested I write down his pros and cons as a friend. Unlike Oprah in one episode my 12th grade adolescent psychology teacher showed us before about abusive dating, he did not state then that his downsides should just be treated as a dealbreaker regardless, having simply compared him to Mabel whenever she would start biting whoever was holding her, and Mom had told me just before leaving for work, not to burn bridges with people just on a whim. (Not linking to the discussion I would soon have with Dr. Perret, whose entry would lead us to reconcile without an actual apology for Jake's own behavior.)
The first time around, on its part, began with Brian noticing a pattern of hostility early in January 2008 from what I kept describing of my experiences with Jake. It was during dinner that Dad outright described him as toxic and suggested that I simply fade from his life. I instead blogged a rant the next morning to state that I was leaving MSN back to AIM where my other friends at the time were, where he could come to meet me instead (deleted shortly thereafter to link to from the VGMusic forum, where I hosted some Zelda concept art that I'll get to soon). The next day still, Jake emailed me a counter-rant about how supposedly impossible I am to get along with, demanding that I meet him back on MSN to discuss things, and sure enough, I saw no point perpetuating things at all with him. At some point, Mom suggested I print a copy up to show Dr. Perret, but the advice he gave me as we went along wasn't to simply block him right back home on all platforms; it included the line "if he is anything but cordial and respectful".
I did fine that first time without Jake, but nevermind what right he didn't have to come crawling back after such a deliberate risk he took to lose me forever, one of the first things he said after what was more than a month without talking, after the topic of The Legend of Zelda came up, was "I'll bet Majora's Mask was a spy game," in response to how I described The Wind Waker to carry more of a pirate vibe than the medieval vibe Ocarina of Time and earlier games carried before them, upon discussing the subject of that forum thread. That seemed justified at the time, because more than a few people on the forum itself were finding reasons left and right to ridicule me for a year by that point (they were respectful enough in some threads). In turn, I had no way to tell that they were the problem, because even though Mom did stop giving sarcastic answers years earlier to off-the-cuff questions I'd ask, she had already taught me to expect that from others. Mrs. Bandows from earlier on didn't help either, with such antics as saying "It's right here!" when I was already making an effort to look for something we needed, but at the time, even when I wasn't misbehaving, all I could ask was why she was mad at me. I had no frame of reference to reject her frustration, like maybe my own parents wouldn't have acted like that, because often, that's exactly how Dad acted. One of the earliest examples of that in turn was when he told Brian (maybe several times; he was nine or going thereon) to go to bed (it actually was our bedtime), Brian was leaning his bare feet against the fireplace and told him he was warming his feet, and he went on to shout "Don't you tell me you're warming your feet!" before Mom simply advised him to put some socks on instead like Dad could have in the first place when he wasn't actually talking back to him so much as explaining something.
From something like that, how was I supposed to know when I do and do not deserve someone's respect, when years later, Dad could respond to something bugging me about school policies with some lip throughout dinner that he surely would not have wanted any boyfriend of Marie's to give her, or that Mom would've put up with while getting to know him, just because he was tired from work, instead of suggesting a better time to bring that up? I didn't know then how to separate the issue itself from such a way he was talking to me that would teach anyone my age at the time that basic decency is something to earn and maintain at all costs.
How does that mesh with wanting me to know my worth, to know that I have a general right to be spoken to respectfully, to express myself freely with people, and to set boundaries for people to honor at all times?
