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Jan. 7th, 2018 02:12 am(Writing here, because I've already promised to leave Jake himself alone for the time being, am not sure if he will reply to the last two emails I've sent him in an exchange from yesterday, and would like not to spam him.)
Tried to get some positive closure to my relationship with Jake, so that I could continue with Unwilling Service without the pain of its very roots in someone I have ceased to get along with. I honestly thought we were friends again when he addressed a certain issue I only brought up here, proof that he still reads this blog (or at least had been at the time) even after I told him to fuck off, but as it turns out, that one thing really was enough for him to drop me. Maybe he's just frustrated with life right now, and maybe that having been online might have something to do with it, but he went on to state that being enough for him to drop anyone as a friend. Understandable in and of itself, but I never thought the actual four words I wrote, combined with a botched first attempt to apologize, would actually be beyond forgiveness. He once said that to me too, out of personal frustration, and unlike me, never did apologize for it or anything else he said at that time even after I left him be for a whole month afterwards.
Maybe I'm hard to be friends with, but I'll at least try to get along. Jake had just specified Nichijou as the only "new" thing we've had in common, when it actually was new, when he said that I refuse to open myself to new things apart from what had actually grown onto me, but the fact is, I can't force myself to actively like something, even if I do enjoy it while it lasts. I'm at least open to new things, in both fandom and also real life for that matter. I took the time to watch Selector Infected WIXOSS in order to help him with something pertaining to that. I enjoyed watching such shows as Rick & Morty and Dragon Ball GT with Brian, even when it felt like my agenda was being shoved aside, when I went up to his place last year specifically to watch Lucky Star. Jake's fanfiction might not actively interest me, but I'll at least begin to read anything he sends me. So, what point am I missing from his argument there?
All I wanted in the second place (first being obvious) was to make sense of why Jake had given up on the whole thing and how he came to actively hate it after so much lively discussion we had about it that he'd actually request stuff to make happen. All he said for a while was trying to respect my interests and reasons for writing US in the first place, but even when he finally caved in, he only described a few things that didn't even involve May. I thought then that that might've been a good start, having become willing to loosen up a bit and allow for him to include actual sex in what he writes, and I figured that if I wait until he's in a better situation and mood, we could go somewhat further and reach enough of a compromise for him to come back to the project, or else I'd cut his debt back in half.
Now, he just wants to keep things simple and Paypal me whenever he's actually able to, an option I gave him in the first place because he wasn't even able to follow through with an alternate assignment I gave him after his failure to write US or explain what actually went wrong. So much for any further explanation of things I would have gotten if I hadn't lost my shit thanks to even Upwork failing me so badly, or if I hadn't cut him a break in the first place that I'd revoke almost immediately. Frankly, I'm not sure if even that would be enough to compensate for anything.
He says nothing that he'd say would make sense to me because I've got too thick of a skull to get anything. Admittedly, I have just remembered on top of those other five things, his expressed wish that the story wouldn't be some gimmicky collect-a-thon like the games, but is it really my responsibility to take the time to think of why he might've come to resent the whole thing when he was the one who failed me for a whole year? Was it really too much to ask, that he take responsibility by actually listing everything he came to hate about the project? I could understand his feelings of invalidation if we actually did have that many disagreements along the way and maybe I've forgotten most of our others to this point. Maybe I have, and maybe I had felt enough leeway to begin with to deny each change he requested individually, and what actually tipped him over was not any one thing but all of those things combined (unlike the first time, when he called bullshit after a particularly heated argument), but that's exactly why I asked him to compile everything he deemed wrong with my plans. When he got stressed out about my hair-related idea requests for the Yoshi's Island fic, he actually did express that then, and I was just as quick to drop them. He communicated his issues much more clearly and thoroughly than right now, I made concessions for him, and who knows, I might just be willing to do the same now, if only he'd actually address anything else that bothered him about this.
I've actually considered just deleting all my files pertaining to the story, so that I can never return to it again, but that's obviously not a decision I'm gonna make lightly. Right now, I'm gonna record a playthrough of Mother 2 once and for all, especially after having de-activated WaniKani for now after having let multiple sets of reviews pile up while I could barely bring myself to do anything, and then read some Earthbound fics and see what sticks for Starbound, but US is still gonna remain in limbo, and I'm gonna be tempted to come back to it before I get too old to see it all the way through. There's still gonna be that possibility that maybe Jake and I actually will come back to terms in the future, that maybe he will come back to it after all, just like he did when I showed him that one thing I originally meant for Dr. Perret regarding our first falling-through, if I play my cards better than I've been so far, and it's just gonna eat away at me for who knows how long, even after I cut and pasted everything onto a flash drive for Mom to stow away somewhere. And even if he did come back to it, we'd be bound for a repeat of last year at some point in the future.
Part of me wishes that I had never met Jake in the first place, but at the same time, I still want US to keep going, if for no other reason than nostalgia for such times as the first few months of 9th grade (when Pokemon Gold and Silver were such a big deal), the summer of 2008 (when I was playing Pearl beyond the Elite Four), and the one time I experienced the Battle Frontier of generation IV. He was a good friend in general for all these years despite his shortcomings, and to sever ties with him on such a bad note would only make the story too heartbreaking to work on anymore. I don't even care if he actually continues beta-writing again; I just want for him to be able to enjoy reading it for what it is despite its shortcomings, if that would actually be possible if he'd actually compile what he hates about it and would be willing enough to skip over certain scenes, even though he himself came up with some story ideas inspired from my own that involve something I don't like (that being a buff male protagonist).
I honestly hope we can resolve things for the better when he moves out, has a chance to settle down, and is hopefully in a better mood to discuss things with me, even if we still decide to call the relationship off afterwards. In the meantime, Brian and I should probably maintain focus on Starbound and the Cibus project, although it might also help if he actually likes what I had written of US already.
Tried to get some positive closure to my relationship with Jake, so that I could continue with Unwilling Service without the pain of its very roots in someone I have ceased to get along with. I honestly thought we were friends again when he addressed a certain issue I only brought up here, proof that he still reads this blog (or at least had been at the time) even after I told him to fuck off, but as it turns out, that one thing really was enough for him to drop me. Maybe he's just frustrated with life right now, and maybe that having been online might have something to do with it, but he went on to state that being enough for him to drop anyone as a friend. Understandable in and of itself, but I never thought the actual four words I wrote, combined with a botched first attempt to apologize, would actually be beyond forgiveness. He once said that to me too, out of personal frustration, and unlike me, never did apologize for it or anything else he said at that time even after I left him be for a whole month afterwards.
Maybe I'm hard to be friends with, but I'll at least try to get along. Jake had just specified Nichijou as the only "new" thing we've had in common, when it actually was new, when he said that I refuse to open myself to new things apart from what had actually grown onto me, but the fact is, I can't force myself to actively like something, even if I do enjoy it while it lasts. I'm at least open to new things, in both fandom and also real life for that matter. I took the time to watch Selector Infected WIXOSS in order to help him with something pertaining to that. I enjoyed watching such shows as Rick & Morty and Dragon Ball GT with Brian, even when it felt like my agenda was being shoved aside, when I went up to his place last year specifically to watch Lucky Star. Jake's fanfiction might not actively interest me, but I'll at least begin to read anything he sends me. So, what point am I missing from his argument there?
All I wanted in the second place (first being obvious) was to make sense of why Jake had given up on the whole thing and how he came to actively hate it after so much lively discussion we had about it that he'd actually request stuff to make happen. All he said for a while was trying to respect my interests and reasons for writing US in the first place, but even when he finally caved in, he only described a few things that didn't even involve May. I thought then that that might've been a good start, having become willing to loosen up a bit and allow for him to include actual sex in what he writes, and I figured that if I wait until he's in a better situation and mood, we could go somewhat further and reach enough of a compromise for him to come back to the project, or else I'd cut his debt back in half.
Now, he just wants to keep things simple and Paypal me whenever he's actually able to, an option I gave him in the first place because he wasn't even able to follow through with an alternate assignment I gave him after his failure to write US or explain what actually went wrong. So much for any further explanation of things I would have gotten if I hadn't lost my shit thanks to even Upwork failing me so badly, or if I hadn't cut him a break in the first place that I'd revoke almost immediately. Frankly, I'm not sure if even that would be enough to compensate for anything.
He says nothing that he'd say would make sense to me because I've got too thick of a skull to get anything. Admittedly, I have just remembered on top of those other five things, his expressed wish that the story wouldn't be some gimmicky collect-a-thon like the games, but is it really my responsibility to take the time to think of why he might've come to resent the whole thing when he was the one who failed me for a whole year? Was it really too much to ask, that he take responsibility by actually listing everything he came to hate about the project? I could understand his feelings of invalidation if we actually did have that many disagreements along the way and maybe I've forgotten most of our others to this point. Maybe I have, and maybe I had felt enough leeway to begin with to deny each change he requested individually, and what actually tipped him over was not any one thing but all of those things combined (unlike the first time, when he called bullshit after a particularly heated argument), but that's exactly why I asked him to compile everything he deemed wrong with my plans. When he got stressed out about my hair-related idea requests for the Yoshi's Island fic, he actually did express that then, and I was just as quick to drop them. He communicated his issues much more clearly and thoroughly than right now, I made concessions for him, and who knows, I might just be willing to do the same now, if only he'd actually address anything else that bothered him about this.
I've actually considered just deleting all my files pertaining to the story, so that I can never return to it again, but that's obviously not a decision I'm gonna make lightly. Right now, I'm gonna record a playthrough of Mother 2 once and for all, especially after having de-activated WaniKani for now after having let multiple sets of reviews pile up while I could barely bring myself to do anything, and then read some Earthbound fics and see what sticks for Starbound, but US is still gonna remain in limbo, and I'm gonna be tempted to come back to it before I get too old to see it all the way through. There's still gonna be that possibility that maybe Jake and I actually will come back to terms in the future, that maybe he will come back to it after all, just like he did when I showed him that one thing I originally meant for Dr. Perret regarding our first falling-through, if I play my cards better than I've been so far, and it's just gonna eat away at me for who knows how long, even after I cut and pasted everything onto a flash drive for Mom to stow away somewhere. And even if he did come back to it, we'd be bound for a repeat of last year at some point in the future.
Part of me wishes that I had never met Jake in the first place, but at the same time, I still want US to keep going, if for no other reason than nostalgia for such times as the first few months of 9th grade (when Pokemon Gold and Silver were such a big deal), the summer of 2008 (when I was playing Pearl beyond the Elite Four), and the one time I experienced the Battle Frontier of generation IV. He was a good friend in general for all these years despite his shortcomings, and to sever ties with him on such a bad note would only make the story too heartbreaking to work on anymore. I don't even care if he actually continues beta-writing again; I just want for him to be able to enjoy reading it for what it is despite its shortcomings, if that would actually be possible if he'd actually compile what he hates about it and would be willing enough to skip over certain scenes, even though he himself came up with some story ideas inspired from my own that involve something I don't like (that being a buff male protagonist).
I honestly hope we can resolve things for the better when he moves out, has a chance to settle down, and is hopefully in a better mood to discuss things with me, even if we still decide to call the relationship off afterwards. In the meantime, Brian and I should probably maintain focus on Starbound and the Cibus project, although it might also help if he actually likes what I had written of US already.