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Jan. 9th, 2018 04:11 amThought this would be a pretty good time of choice to play Mother 2 while I had WaniKani on vacation mode, but even if it weren't for a stronger inclination to play Kiratto Kaiketsu instead, I honestly don't wanna do anything right now.
This is far from the first time we've fought, but it is the first time I had told him to go fuck himself, for obvious reasons. He said he would have forgiven me if I had actually apologized properly, when I thought I was simply analyzing what led up to my own decision, since that all still stands even though I am still responsible for it. So far, he hasn't responded to my last few emails to him, I wouldn't be surprised if that was an actual decision (bound to happen at some point), and unless he actually does and it miraculously becomes some kind of turning point, we've already both pretty much agreed that it would be best if we just stop talking to eachother for a long time. He (sort of) tried to explain things to me, but only named a few examples of what he actually hated about Unwilling Service; I saw that as an opportunity to get to the bottom of it all and reach some sort of compromise by allowing some things I had previously banned, starting with sex itself, but he begged to differ. I had all reason to believe until last summer that, even after his acceptance of the PokeWalker, the story's positive aspects outweighed its negative ones for him, which is why I attempted for a compromise in the first place, so that I wouldn't feel he'd be missing out on something he could like overall; I played that card, he rejected it, and whether his mood in general due to real life had something to do with that decision or he still fails to find it within him to make his own attempt to reconcile with me when that all improves, he actually did have a good point by saying that my hopes that he'll come around do nothing but stress him out further.
Certain fanfic discussions we had early on were part of what inspired the whole thing, and it was something for him to look forward to when the slate was clean, but as I took further inspiration from the games, I never actually meant it specifically for him. I was always afraid of losing his interest in it, because he was my friend and was and still is into that kind of subject matter, unlike if some guy I never met dropped by to give me some interests of his own to cater to. I sought to reach some sort of balance between pleasing him and pursuing my own priorities, but for all I know, that might have failed even if he hadn't had to endure so much stress after having had to move back in with his family. Even the PokeWalker aside, I didn't think he'd sweat all the small things each time I denied any wish he made individually, but along with reality, they all accumulated, and that's exactly why I tried to open up once and for all.
He already called me out for not owning up to my side of things. Apparently, I'm supposed to admit that I'm at fault for all of this, but I can't find it within me so far to do so. I am at fault for failing to respect his disdain for the PokeWalker in the first place, but that was still only one thing among many that accumulated. I've said no to so many things that he now considers me a control freak, but no one with any self-respect says yes to everything someone asks for, nor do most people keep track of what they say yes or no to. Always saying yes does not make for any healthy relationship, but neither does calling all the shots, which is what I might have done without realizing. I lost control of my impulses when things failed me for a third time on Upwork, with Jason, the only one who got shit right, having had to leave, some time before Michael came along, and failed my first attempt at an apology, but even trying to clear up what he misconstrued as me blaming everyone for my problems didn't work out. I was wrong to put so much pressure on him to move things along with the story when it should've become clear even before he gave up that he wouldn't be able to, but that was when he still failed to write anything when he finally did get an opportunity to, and confirmed having had blocks even way back before. I still had reason to believe up until then that he would've gotten on the ball at some point: I wasn't gonna dismiss him for having seen something squicky on deviantArt, injured himself, had to cope with loneliness when his family went out of touch for a (short) while, had to go on what I assumed would be a once-in-a-while family trip, or for a broken computer that he had to get fixed and expected to do so earlier than he could. The events that led him back to his parents' house in the first place halfway through are some I probably would have sought someone else in light of, but still happened fairly early on, and I was already focused on other things myself for those last few months of 2016, and hoped he would've recuperated enough by the time I would come back to work on Jimmy's third chapter. I also thought I was being considerate with him by not taking such a project as he seemed enthused about, and his means to pay off his debt after his previous failure with The Original Story, away from him, and could try to work things out when he finally stated how hard it is to be interested in what's essentially a rehash of the games' plots.
In short, some things happened only logistically, and really are my own fault, but I still feel very much justified in others.
What else could I have done differently?
This is far from the first time we've fought, but it is the first time I had told him to go fuck himself, for obvious reasons. He said he would have forgiven me if I had actually apologized properly, when I thought I was simply analyzing what led up to my own decision, since that all still stands even though I am still responsible for it. So far, he hasn't responded to my last few emails to him, I wouldn't be surprised if that was an actual decision (bound to happen at some point), and unless he actually does and it miraculously becomes some kind of turning point, we've already both pretty much agreed that it would be best if we just stop talking to eachother for a long time. He (sort of) tried to explain things to me, but only named a few examples of what he actually hated about Unwilling Service; I saw that as an opportunity to get to the bottom of it all and reach some sort of compromise by allowing some things I had previously banned, starting with sex itself, but he begged to differ. I had all reason to believe until last summer that, even after his acceptance of the PokeWalker, the story's positive aspects outweighed its negative ones for him, which is why I attempted for a compromise in the first place, so that I wouldn't feel he'd be missing out on something he could like overall; I played that card, he rejected it, and whether his mood in general due to real life had something to do with that decision or he still fails to find it within him to make his own attempt to reconcile with me when that all improves, he actually did have a good point by saying that my hopes that he'll come around do nothing but stress him out further.
Certain fanfic discussions we had early on were part of what inspired the whole thing, and it was something for him to look forward to when the slate was clean, but as I took further inspiration from the games, I never actually meant it specifically for him. I was always afraid of losing his interest in it, because he was my friend and was and still is into that kind of subject matter, unlike if some guy I never met dropped by to give me some interests of his own to cater to. I sought to reach some sort of balance between pleasing him and pursuing my own priorities, but for all I know, that might have failed even if he hadn't had to endure so much stress after having had to move back in with his family. Even the PokeWalker aside, I didn't think he'd sweat all the small things each time I denied any wish he made individually, but along with reality, they all accumulated, and that's exactly why I tried to open up once and for all.
He already called me out for not owning up to my side of things. Apparently, I'm supposed to admit that I'm at fault for all of this, but I can't find it within me so far to do so. I am at fault for failing to respect his disdain for the PokeWalker in the first place, but that was still only one thing among many that accumulated. I've said no to so many things that he now considers me a control freak, but no one with any self-respect says yes to everything someone asks for, nor do most people keep track of what they say yes or no to. Always saying yes does not make for any healthy relationship, but neither does calling all the shots, which is what I might have done without realizing. I lost control of my impulses when things failed me for a third time on Upwork, with Jason, the only one who got shit right, having had to leave, some time before Michael came along, and failed my first attempt at an apology, but even trying to clear up what he misconstrued as me blaming everyone for my problems didn't work out. I was wrong to put so much pressure on him to move things along with the story when it should've become clear even before he gave up that he wouldn't be able to, but that was when he still failed to write anything when he finally did get an opportunity to, and confirmed having had blocks even way back before. I still had reason to believe up until then that he would've gotten on the ball at some point: I wasn't gonna dismiss him for having seen something squicky on deviantArt, injured himself, had to cope with loneliness when his family went out of touch for a (short) while, had to go on what I assumed would be a once-in-a-while family trip, or for a broken computer that he had to get fixed and expected to do so earlier than he could. The events that led him back to his parents' house in the first place halfway through are some I probably would have sought someone else in light of, but still happened fairly early on, and I was already focused on other things myself for those last few months of 2016, and hoped he would've recuperated enough by the time I would come back to work on Jimmy's third chapter. I also thought I was being considerate with him by not taking such a project as he seemed enthused about, and his means to pay off his debt after his previous failure with The Original Story, away from him, and could try to work things out when he finally stated how hard it is to be interested in what's essentially a rehash of the games' plots.
In short, some things happened only logistically, and really are my own fault, but I still feel very much justified in others.
What else could I have done differently?