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Forgot to mention that I received disk 6 of Lucky Star the other day. Just watched the first episode on it yesterday.

Anyway, after about a week spent on it, I finally got my current pic done. All I gotta do now is have Dad bring it to his workshop to scan, and it will be ready to upload.

In the meantime, here is an attempt to write Rockna's Purity transformation for Monster Collection Chronicles:

Rokuna found herself floating upright in a void of sparkly light, eyes closed softly, toes pointed downwards, arms and fingers stretched out, all in an elegant fashion. The button on her headband crumbled into pieces, and the ribbon dissolved into dissipating shreds, leaving her hair to undo itself. Her belt was next to dissipate in the same fashion, before expanding holes formed in her gloves, her socks, and then her dress, leaving her within seconds in just her bra and panties. A few moments later, even those would follow suit, rendering her completely nude, but revealing that she had no nipples or genitals in this form (although her butt had retained every one of its contours).

Two silver rays of light shot from the naked young girl's back, before becoming a pair of large, white wings in a burst of stray feathers. The psychedelic light surrounding her had then dissipated, and she found herself back to where she originally was before opening her eyes and landing softly on her feet.

She didn't seem the least bit embarrassed about her absolute lack of clothing, or even to notice it. Her expression was actually rather content and peaceful.

[Insert quote here] the angel said. Her voice had become more soothing than it normally was, as a result of her transformation.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Chelle:

a void of sparkly light

If it is a void, it cannot be made of sparkly light. You probably mean that she sees nothing but lights in some sort of alternate space. And what kind of lights? Misty? Aurora? Rays? Twirly? Paintery?

eyes closed softly, toes pointed downwards, arms and fingers stretched out, all in an elegant fashion.

Elegant except for the sentence describing it. Try to use find a metaphor that invokes the whole pose, rather than just telling that it's elegant.

(although her butt had retained every one of its contours).

This reads silly. You're trying to evoke an ethereal image, which is incompatible with "butt" and "( )".

naked young girl's back

That's four words referring to the same thing, which makes for a run-on description. It's already been established that she is young and naked, so either one or both could be dropped and the reader would still get it.

Her expression was actually rather content and peaceful.

This would read a bit better as "Instead, her expression was rather content and peaceful."

[Insert quote here] the angel said. Her voice had become more soothing than it normally was, as a result of her transformation.

"[Insert quote here] the angel said with a voice more soothing than before."

The audience probably can guess the voice change is caused by her transformation, so the tag isn't necessary, and the voice description can be merged with the first sentence.

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I suppose I could change "void" to "dimension". As for what kind of light she's seeing, I didn't really have any in particular on mind, and the examples you mentioned all seem equally acceptable.

I'm guessing "all in an elegant fashion" could be changed to "as if she were baring her soul". Would that work?

Okay, I can easily let go of the parenthesis. For a choice of words, maybe "bottom" would be a better one than "butt". I mean, maybe that whole part is redundant, but I have seen several anime where girls are depicted without buttcracks when naked. Just wanted to avert that, that's all.

Other than that, thanks for all those tips.

As a bonus, here's a link to a similar pic depicting someone from behind, in case you're interested. I should let you know, though, that the rest of the author's works are mostly fanservice-oriented, so that one might be the only one worthwhile for you.

http://dmxrated.deviantart.com/favourites/#/d9m1gq

[(Anonymous)]

I meant more to change the phrase so it doesn't sound like the void (a lack of content in a space) itself is sparkly. In a void filled with sparkly light, or within a lightfilled void.

I'm guessing "all in an elegant fashion" could be changed to "as if she were baring her soul". Would that work?

Probably, as long as the stiff sentence structure goes (the whole this body part was there thing). The way a sentence is formatted also affects the visuals a readers gets. This is why battle sequences should have shorter sentences, while more emotional scenes can use longer ones and ethereal needs more poetic flow.

Okay, I can easily let go of the parenthesis. For a choice of words, maybe "bottom" would be a better one than "butt". I mean, maybe that whole part is redundant, but I have seen several anime where girls are depicted without buttcracks when naked. Just wanted to avert that, that's all.

That's a freaky visual, but you don't have to worry about that since it's a written medium. In absence of mention, the audience will just assume it's still there, just like you don't have to tell someone after a transformation that they still have eyes, limbs, organs, etcetera.

On a sidenote, what kind of a narrative voice do you intend to use in regards to view point? If it is omniscient, then this works, but if it's Rokuna's own view point, there should be a little on how the transformation feels for her.

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In answer to the question at the end, I intend to tell everything in MCC in first-person. Might be some third-person moments, but I'm not sure right now.

Anyway, thanks for the further tips.

[(Anonymous)]

Then why didn't you write the bit above in first person immediately? If you're going for first person, especially something like a first transformation should elaborate what the pov character experiences.

First person is very tricky for beginning writers, and as far as I know you haven't practiced with it yet. Putting random third person moments throughout a first person narrative is a really bad idea because it will inevitably confuse the audience.
Who will be your view point characters and have you already developed speech modes for them?

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Oh. Sorry. I got confused between first-person and third-person. I should remind myself that first-person means from a character's perspective and third-person is from the narrator's perspective, not the other way around. BIG Date and Window were both third-person. So yeah, MCC will be told from a third-person POV.

[(Anonymous)]

Ah, okay.

Unrelated, I saw the upload, dA has a feature that allows you to quicklink to another dA page by typing :iconusername: or :devusername:, most users employ this when the subject in question has a dA account. Might be easier than interchanging between my two handles.

You can also submit it to the club if you want to?

Also, I recommend you remove the second to last paragraph; the second sentence reads really awkward and then, dA has rules about the depictions of underage characters :

• Characters who are underage in their original context may not be depicted with "enhanced" breasts, buttocks, or genital areas.

http://help.deviantart.com/248/

A dA mod might just take it to mean she is 11 in that picture and you're talking about inflation, which could get it removed since she's already fairly large up front there.

These rules were changed some time this year, at first they allowed fanservice images of originally underage characters if they seemed old enough, but they've completely discarded that approach; everything underage that is too fanservicey, inflated or naked goes out now.

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Thanks for favoriting the pic. And yes, I do intend to submit it to Rokumon Tengai, but I didn't see any such option upon visiting it. Mind explaining where it is? Thanks.

[(Anonymous)]

You can click either "submit" in the gallery section, or click the member panel directly underneath the group icon, which gives a drop down menu which contains the submit option.

I was planning on having [Chelle] like this one (unlike most other pics I've drawn or plan to draw), plus I plan for her to have basketballs when she's seventeen.

This sentence still reads weird due to the subject shift.

..... and I made a last-minute change to make her bust at least bigger than in the anime. (And yes, she does have breasts half the time in the anime, at eleven years old no less. NOT an expansion here; she's just a few years older in this pic.)

Adding that it's not expansion when right before you said you made her bust bigger than in the anime is not a good way to avoid a mod jumping on it. If they happen across of it, it's gonna go like this : "Hm, character age in canon is 11, this says. The description claims she is older, but I can't see proof of that in the image. Bye bye". Aging her up doesn't matter, as as is explained here:

http://communityops.deviantart.com/blog/32239642/

So I'm going to say it again, please remove that paragraph, you're asking for problems.

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Okay. Got the pic submitted, removed the paragraph in question, and also removed everything on my gallery before The Acolyte (also due to the crap quality of all those pics).

Also found a site called Hentai Foundry, which allows and even has a category for lolicon/shotacon among other things. From now on, anything potentially sexual that isn't Rokuna or anyone else canon to MCK will go there instead of on DA.

[(Anonymous)]

Thanks, and that's a good idea ^_^

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Btw, I did notice that you favorited my pic to a folder titled "Per This One", where you wrote "Stuff that in one way or another, to one degree or another, relates to me existing." Even though I did write "a rather ample amount of cleavage" in the fic, I didn't exactly specify how large her breasts had become. So, just out of curiosity, do you actually enjoy looking at that pic, despite that?

[(Anonymous)]

The pic is based on a story I co-wrote. Hence it goes with the trades, requests, and so on. I really don't see how you manage to derive the topic of chest size from that.

To be honest, I don't enjoy looking at the pic, this mainly is due to quality reasons.
And I'm not interested in explaining again what types of fanservice do and do not bother me.

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Been wishing I hadn't asked that last thing even before you got back to me. But, quality reasons? You mean, like, the white traces that appear throughout the pic (since I was using colored pencils to draw it)?

[(Anonymous)]

Yep. It's possible to use colored pencils without getting that effect though, by practicing how much pressure you place on the pencil. The line art kinda falls away due to the colors, tracing it over with a black pen might help.

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In that case, I might try drawing just the outline by hand, scan it, and then using Gimp to color the whole thing in. Good idea?

[(Anonymous)]

Sure ^_^ Many digital artists work that way already.