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Jul. 17th, 2012 09:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dmxratedBeen meaning to write a post containing the email exchanges I've had with Chelle weeks ago regarding Monster Collection Chronicles. Even though everything after part I is no longer due to happen, and even though my writing skills aren't really gonna improve due to my lack of appreciation for the art of writing (let's remember that I care mostly about the storybuilding aspect), the basis of What Could Have Been is still reason enough to write individual scenes like I've written twice before.
The following scene would take place during part III. For clarification, Mondo, Rokuna, Katsuo, Davis, Drake, Anneth, and Hitomi are in the middle of a snowfield, walking as giants (except for Hitomi, who can't use Growth on her own) towards a cavern at least several hundred yards away from them. Even though they could have just teleported, they chose instead to walk just to relax and enjoy the scenery, and also to be prepared in case more enemies were to appear. The other half of the Knight team is taking care of matters elsewhere.
The group hadn't talked much during the trek. Rokuna was the first to break the ice, no pun about their surroundings intended.
"Y'know, Hitomi," she said. "Having you on my shoulder... Kinda reminds me of Lovestar from a century ago."
"Lovestar..." the gynoid responded emotionlessly. She took a few moments to recall who the green-haired girl was talking about. "A Seechee, if I recall correctly."
"Uh, yeah," said Katsuo, "That white hamster thing."
"Yeah," said Mondo. "I remember her, and Punch-Punch. Although they were much more playful and lively than you are, no offense to you. You also remind me of Rockna, when she stood on top of the Forest Giant's shoulder."
"If you wanna know, you two kind remind me of Saga and Sugar, from--", said Anneth, before Katsuo cut her off.
"SHUT UP, ANN!"
"Yeah, why don't you talk to us when we've put that little incident of yours back there behind us," added Davis.
"I would happen to agree with them," said Drake. "Would've been one thing if what happened back there was a tactical mistake or beyond anybody's control, but what you did was just blatant stupidity. So, why don't you make it up to all of us and continue watching our backs."
"Doesn't Rockna have a sixth sense?" questioned the brunette sheepishly. "She should know if something's coming."
"One," started the green-haired girl, "my sixth sense only detects auras, which Giygas doesn't give off, and two, I'm not the one who cost all of us such an epic preemptive strike against what we just fought."
Speechlessly, she faced Mondo, hoping he wouldn't be so cold to her as well, again no pun intended.
"Yeah, sure, just start looking at me for comfort," said the wild-haired boy, while noticing that the girl's eyes were starting to well up. "Just because I'm the one who hits up on every girl he comes across. Or, used to, anyway. For your information, I was just as pissed off at Beginner as I am at you one time, when she got is mixed into some situation involving a T-Rex and a Meteor Strike."
She couldn't take anymore, and covered her face while bursting into tears. Having been utterly humiliated, she was glad there weren't any other people besides them for at least hundreds of miles.
-----
It didn't take too long for the group to reach their stop. The cave was big enough to shelter all of them at their current size, and they decided it would be more efficient just to remain big the whole time rather than to shrink back down for the night and re-grow the following morning. Hitomi was placed on top of a rock formation, so that no one else would accidentally step on her, while the rest of the kids huddled around a fire that Davis built with some scrapwood that he brought.
"Y'know," started Mondo. "A hundred years ago, we would've sported some goofy facial expressions for a bit during that exchange back there. Anyone besides me wonder whatever happened to all those weird faces and motions and stuff that most people used to do?"
"Yeah," added Rokuna. "I remember all that. Even when things got serious, I remember stuff like the way Dad was crying when the original Monster Items shattered, and me hitting you with another thunder strike when you hit up one someone."
"If you look at it this way," said Drake, "It's kinda like the difference between the original Mega Man series and Mega Man Zero. Like, the former had giant-eyed robots and weapons that obviously relied on cartoon physics; come the latter, all that had long since fallen out of fashion. Hell, they're not even called 'robots' anymore; they're called reploids."
"You mean, Rockman?" asked Mondo.
"That's what they called those games where you lived?" asked Davis.
"Apparently, yeah," answered Katsuo. "I did used to own Mega Man 3, though... on someone's NES that I bought at a garage sale in New York before moving back to Japan."
"I remember playing Rock Man Zero 3, just months before we all died inside the Nickelodeon Base," stated Mondo. "Come to think of it, it's also funny, how whereas back during our first adventures, we used to come to Mon World from your dad's lab, nowadays we report to and from some kind of military base. Just like in the games."
"Yeah, that is ironic," said Rokuna.
If you'd like to know, I also toyed with the idea of whatever Anneth did during the aforementioned battle being the reason why Mondo would get brain-raped by a shoggoth, resulting in his senses becoming dysfunctional, and said battle having taken place at least days prior to this scene. Would have given him a good reason to still be mad at her for that long, plus it would involve his eyes looking kinda like this, something which would make for a nice contrast to the much more (and excessively) comical cartoon physics that plagued the anime, for as long as he perceives the world as grotesque (or whenever he does after temporarily recovering for the first time). Decided against it, though, because one, the shoggoth storyline was already reserved for part IV (although I would like to salvage it to use late in Cult), two, that would mean that he'd be unfit to even go on missions (and Rokuna would have to sit out as well in order to take care of him), three, he wouldn't have been able to socialize with his friends as well as he did, being unable to even function properly as a person, and four, to give Anneth as much to atone for as Jamison will have regarding Kevin would mean that she probably would have kept silent in shame anyway.
The following scene would take place during part III. For clarification, Mondo, Rokuna, Katsuo, Davis, Drake, Anneth, and Hitomi are in the middle of a snowfield, walking as giants (except for Hitomi, who can't use Growth on her own) towards a cavern at least several hundred yards away from them. Even though they could have just teleported, they chose instead to walk just to relax and enjoy the scenery, and also to be prepared in case more enemies were to appear. The other half of the Knight team is taking care of matters elsewhere.
The group hadn't talked much during the trek. Rokuna was the first to break the ice, no pun about their surroundings intended.
"Y'know, Hitomi," she said. "Having you on my shoulder... Kinda reminds me of Lovestar from a century ago."
"Lovestar..." the gynoid responded emotionlessly. She took a few moments to recall who the green-haired girl was talking about. "A Seechee, if I recall correctly."
"Uh, yeah," said Katsuo, "That white hamster thing."
"Yeah," said Mondo. "I remember her, and Punch-Punch. Although they were much more playful and lively than you are, no offense to you. You also remind me of Rockna, when she stood on top of the Forest Giant's shoulder."
"If you wanna know, you two kind remind me of Saga and Sugar, from--", said Anneth, before Katsuo cut her off.
"SHUT UP, ANN!"
"Yeah, why don't you talk to us when we've put that little incident of yours back there behind us," added Davis.
"I would happen to agree with them," said Drake. "Would've been one thing if what happened back there was a tactical mistake or beyond anybody's control, but what you did was just blatant stupidity. So, why don't you make it up to all of us and continue watching our backs."
"Doesn't Rockna have a sixth sense?" questioned the brunette sheepishly. "She should know if something's coming."
"One," started the green-haired girl, "my sixth sense only detects auras, which Giygas doesn't give off, and two, I'm not the one who cost all of us such an epic preemptive strike against what we just fought."
Speechlessly, she faced Mondo, hoping he wouldn't be so cold to her as well, again no pun intended.
"Yeah, sure, just start looking at me for comfort," said the wild-haired boy, while noticing that the girl's eyes were starting to well up. "Just because I'm the one who hits up on every girl he comes across. Or, used to, anyway. For your information, I was just as pissed off at Beginner as I am at you one time, when she got is mixed into some situation involving a T-Rex and a Meteor Strike."
She couldn't take anymore, and covered her face while bursting into tears. Having been utterly humiliated, she was glad there weren't any other people besides them for at least hundreds of miles.
-----
It didn't take too long for the group to reach their stop. The cave was big enough to shelter all of them at their current size, and they decided it would be more efficient just to remain big the whole time rather than to shrink back down for the night and re-grow the following morning. Hitomi was placed on top of a rock formation, so that no one else would accidentally step on her, while the rest of the kids huddled around a fire that Davis built with some scrapwood that he brought.
"Y'know," started Mondo. "A hundred years ago, we would've sported some goofy facial expressions for a bit during that exchange back there. Anyone besides me wonder whatever happened to all those weird faces and motions and stuff that most people used to do?"
"Yeah," added Rokuna. "I remember all that. Even when things got serious, I remember stuff like the way Dad was crying when the original Monster Items shattered, and me hitting you with another thunder strike when you hit up one someone."
"If you look at it this way," said Drake, "It's kinda like the difference between the original Mega Man series and Mega Man Zero. Like, the former had giant-eyed robots and weapons that obviously relied on cartoon physics; come the latter, all that had long since fallen out of fashion. Hell, they're not even called 'robots' anymore; they're called reploids."
"You mean, Rockman?" asked Mondo.
"That's what they called those games where you lived?" asked Davis.
"Apparently, yeah," answered Katsuo. "I did used to own Mega Man 3, though... on someone's NES that I bought at a garage sale in New York before moving back to Japan."
"I remember playing Rock Man Zero 3, just months before we all died inside the Nickelodeon Base," stated Mondo. "Come to think of it, it's also funny, how whereas back during our first adventures, we used to come to Mon World from your dad's lab, nowadays we report to and from some kind of military base. Just like in the games."
"Yeah, that is ironic," said Rokuna.
If you'd like to know, I also toyed with the idea of whatever Anneth did during the aforementioned battle being the reason why Mondo would get brain-raped by a shoggoth, resulting in his senses becoming dysfunctional, and said battle having taken place at least days prior to this scene. Would have given him a good reason to still be mad at her for that long, plus it would involve his eyes looking kinda like this, something which would make for a nice contrast to the much more (and excessively) comical cartoon physics that plagued the anime, for as long as he perceives the world as grotesque (or whenever he does after temporarily recovering for the first time). Decided against it, though, because one, the shoggoth storyline was already reserved for part IV (although I would like to salvage it to use late in Cult), two, that would mean that he'd be unfit to even go on missions (and Rokuna would have to sit out as well in order to take care of him), three, he wouldn't have been able to socialize with his friends as well as he did, being unable to even function properly as a person, and four, to give Anneth as much to atone for as Jamison will have regarding Kevin would mean that she probably would have kept silent in shame anyway.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-16 08:30 am (UTC)Rokuna was the first to break the ice, no pun about their surroundings intended.
This is saying that by being the first to speak Rokuna does not consider herself to be performing a pun, despite not having actually said a pun.
"Y'know, Hitomi," she said. "Having you on my shoulder... Kinda reminds me of Lovestar from a century ago."
No reason for her to pause and start a new sentence. "...on my shoulder, it kinds reminds me" would work better.
"Lovestar..." the gynoid responded emotionlessly. She took a few moments to recall who the green-haired girl was talking about. "A Seechee, if I recall correctly."
How about instead of "responded emotionless", you actually describe how it sounds? "said monotonely" or "recited" might work.
"Yeah," said Mondo. "I remember her, and Punch-Punch. Although they were much more playful and lively than you are, no offense to you. You also remind me of Rockna, when she stood on top of the Forest Giant's shoulder."
Where is his personality? He is just stating memories without any emotion. Mondo cared for those two critters, now they are gone, wouldn't he at the very least say something about missing them? Maybe he'd blunder about the comment about Hitomi being not lively, feel bad about it and quickly try to change topic.
"Yeah, why don't you talk to us when we've put that little incident of yours back there behind us," added Davis.
Annoyed kids don't talk like this. The sentence sounds like a snap, yet the wording is calculated and talks about moving past spite without doing it. Something like "After that little incident of yours back there, I am not in the mood for your blabbering."
"I would happen to agree with them," said Drake. "Would've been one thing if what happened back there was a tactical mistake or beyond anybody's control, but what you did was just blatant stupidity. So, why don't you make it up to all of us and continue watching our backs."
This would be the part where Mondo would jump in and try to restore peace within the team, like he did when Beginner and Ichirobei were in each others hair (ep.26).
"Doesn't Rockna have a sixth sense?" questioned the brunette sheepishly. "She should know if something's coming."
You can just say asked, no need for the purple.
"One," started the green-haired girl, "my sixth sense only detects auras, which Giygas doesn't give off, and two, I'm not the one who cost all of us such an epic preemptive strike against what we just fought."
Why do you keep describing characters by their hair color instead of their names?
Also, point 2 doesn't make sense in response to the question of whether her sixth sense did not detect something.
Culled down, this is what you say with #2 :
"Why did your sixth sense not warn us?"
"Because I am not the one who made that mistake."
Speechlessly, she faced Mondo, hoping he wouldn't be so cold to her as well, again no pun intended.
Same sentence structure problem as above. How is she not intending a pun by facing Mondo?
"Yeah, sure, just start looking at me for comfort," said the wild-haired boy, while noticing that the girl's eyes were starting to well up. "Just because I'm the one who hits up on every girl he comes across. Or, used to, anyway. For your information, I was just as pissed off at Beginner as I am at you one time, when she got is mixed into some situation involving a T-Rex and a Meteor Strike."
This reads more like you're telling the audience about stuff in the anime. I used to hit on girls. I got pissed off at Beginner. Them being a team, both of these things would already be known, so why he state them?
Also, Mondo does not snark.
She couldn't take anymore, and covered her face while bursting into tears. Having been utterly humiliated, she was glad there weren't any other people besides them for at least hundreds of miles.
And nobody, not even kind natured Mondo and empathetic Rokuna do anything at all to resolve this situation? They're just going to let her cry? Is this the same Mondo who tied up Zaha's wound after he got attacked by him?
As team leader, Mondo should be mediating for the peace, not coldly info-dumping towards a team mate who obviously regrets her actions. Rokuna at the very least should feel that she regrets it.
There are only two characters in this scene : the accused, who acts like a strawman without seriously trying to defend/explain themselves, and the accuser, who channels you and has the dominant voice.
-----
Regarding the second segment, yeah, this all sounds like you're having a conversation with yourself. Even the canon ones act without their own emotions. What is the purpose of these scene, other than commenting on stuff like Cartoon Physics and video games? Wouldn't they be nostalgic? Have facial expressions?
For example, too much "I remember". There's no, "hey, recall that thing where ..." or "Ooh, how about ...." or "you know what's funny?"
no subject
Date: 2019-07-16 08:32 am (UTC)Anyway, now for some of the individual lines you commented on:
This is saying that by being the first to speak Rokuna does not consider herself to be performing a pun, despite not having actually said a pun.
Actually, I was making a pun as the narrator, saying "break the ice" to mean to break the silence, while they're walking through a field of snow, which in turn is associate with ice.
Why do you keep describing characters by their hair color instead of their names?
Don't other authors sometimes do that as well, so as to not have to repeat the names of who says what? Same reason we use pronouns when we're talking about one person, except that "he" or "she" would accidentally refer to someone who just said a line when we're actually stating who says the next line.
Same sentence structure problem as above. How is she not intending a pun by facing Mondo?
Again, I was making a pun as the narrator, by mentioning "cold" as in hostile, while they all happen to be traveling through a freezing cold place.
This reads more like you're telling the audience about stuff in the anime. I used to hit on girls. I got pissed off at Beginner. Them being a team, both of these things would already be known, so why he state them?
Because that, being from an (early) episode of the anime, was obviously from way before they even met the Supporting Knights.
So anyway, even the whole point of the first half of the passage was to have a few boys one-sidedly chew one of the girls out (something which I find hardly ever happens anywhere in fiction, and also the reason why Rokuna and Hitomi were the only other females present), I suppose you'd be right about how Mondo and Rokuna would handle the situation. Will probably get around to refining the whole thing some time today, and show you a second draft before actually making the edits.
And, thanks for all that.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-16 08:34 am (UTC)I know that is what you were doing, and I was pointing why it doesn't work because the sentence structure is Rokuna-centric. If you actually were using first person narrator style (like some children's books do), maybe it could work, but like this it just sounds like an action Rokuna took.
Don't other authors sometimes do that as well, so as to not have to repeat the names of who says what? Same reason we use pronouns when we're talking about one person, except that "he" or "she" would accidentally refer to someone who just said a line when we're actually stating who says the next line.
Yeah, but that's a trick to use when you've got a huge chunk of talking. Plus, there are better ways to spice up the text than replacing names and "said" with other words.
Again, I was making a pun as the narrator, by mentioning "cold" as in hostile, while they all happen to be traveling through a freezing cold place.
Again, I'm pointing out why it sounds weird. It's breaking the fourth wall, you're tacking your own action as an author onto the action of a character. Imagine while in a movie, the director or screenwriter runs on screen and shouts, "I didn't intend that as a pun!" Ever seen that happen in a serious movie?
Because that, being from an (early) episode of the anime, was obviously from way before they even met the Supporting Knights.
She's supposed to have met Beginner, so she would know she screws up a lot, and have seen them get upset at it. There's no need for Mondo to explain that.
More importantly, it's not relevant. People don't usually cite past actions to say why they won't do something when they can just say, "Why are you looking at me for back-up?" and if they elaborate, then they would comment on the present day situation and why they won't now, before citing random things from years ago.
So anyway, even the whole point of the first half of the passage was to have a few boys one-sidedly chew one of the girls out (something which I find hardly ever happens anywhere in fiction, and also the reason why Rokuna and Hitomi were the only other females present)
Anywhere in fiction? You mean the stuff that you watched. In older media, "that stupid woman" happened easily and went unchallenged. It's done less in present day for the same reason people don't do blackface anymore.
Just have it be a dispute in which Rokuna and Hitomi also have something to contribute, and off course figure out what it is that went wrong.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-16 08:34 am (UTC)Exactly. I'm also aware of "Pow! Right in the kisser!" Just because I understand why it's done less often than the reverse, doesn't mean that I deem it justified, since it still does get in the way of natural character development.
Just have it be a dispute in which Rokuna and Hitomi also have something to contribute, and off course figure out what it is that went wrong.
Well, Rokuna clearly did have something to contribute, by telling Anneth that she wasn't the one who put everyone's lives at risk when they had such an easy win at stake. Hitomi, on the other hand, is emotionless (given what she is), and thus wouldn't likely begrudge someone for even a short period of time.
And, yeah, I'll probably get Jake's help on exactly what they might have fought and the details of the whole pre-fight situation.
In any case, I have made an effort to create a refined version of the passage, in which Mondo and Rokuna indeed are far less callous towards Anneth. I will probably attach it to an email as soon as you get back to me about the character traits spreadsheet (so as to be efficient), unless you'd like me to show it to you earlier.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-16 08:35 am (UTC)Your idea of "natural character development" is creating a scene where a bunch of guys harp on a girl in an illogical way? That's not natural character development, that's just flipping around the players. You already admitted yourself that you did this as a lash out against something, rather than a character development scene : the whole point of the first half of the passage was to have a few boys one-sidedly chew one of the girls out.
Well, Rokuna clearly did have something to contribute, by telling Anneth that she wasn't the one who put everyone's lives at risk when they had such an easy win at stake.
That's not contribution because you had her act OOC to serve the scene. If she really were contributing, it would have been done in a way that was logical and fleshed out things.
Do you know what blackface is, btw?
no subject
Date: 2019-07-16 08:36 am (UTC)True enough. What I mean is, coming from most other writers or screenwriters, if there wasn't so much pressure from certain groups of people to arrange (or avoid arranging) something in a particular way, then we likely would have as many guys who berate girls one-sidedly by default as we have the other way around, those who berate others of the same sex, and mutual disputes between same-sex and/or opposite-sex characters. Thus, there would be no need for the first half of the passage in the first place.
That's not contribution because you had her act OOC to serve the scene. If she really were contributing, it would have been done in a way that was logical and fleshed out.
Oh, I see.
Do you know what blackface is, btw?
Yes. From what I understand, it was the use of burned cork or something in order to color one's skin black.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-16 08:37 am (UTC)It's not really pressure per say. Because in real life, the "stupid woman" phenomenon still runs on and causes problems, so they avoid showing things that might encourage it. That's called being considerate.
then we likely would have as many guys who berate girls one-sidedly by default as we have the other way around,
I disagree. If there was actual equality, there wouldn't be any "one gender group gangs up on one person of the other gender despite the setting not justifying this" situations, or any situations where the berated party is struck by being a flat strawman unable to defend themselves.
Yes. From what I understand, it was the use of burned cork or something in order to color one's skin black.
Nope, blackface is a form of discrimination. There's a big debate about avoiding it in the cosplay community because it reinforces negative stereotypes, even if it may make sense from a purely artistic POV. Whether it's blackface or single women being put down by groups of men, it's all a matter of being considerate to the real world.
You may personally not consider these kinds of choices justified and believe that it's all the result of "pressure from certain people", but that doesn't hold water when you're throwing a work of art out for an audience to see. Your audience lives in reality, not in fiction land.
So when you present them with a serious drama scene where a bunch of dudes chew out a girl who acts like a complete stereotype (not even arguing or apologizing, just looking to a man for help and crying when she doesn't get it) while the one other woman present is conveniently impersonal and not considered by the main girl of being asked for help, it's going to look like you promote the idea that women really are that way.
Thus, there would be no need for the first half of the passage in the first place.
You believe we NEED this?
You're not going to fix any sexism in fiction land by reinforcing the sexism that already exists in reality.
How about not creating any chew out scenes where one gender for some inexplicable reason sides together against the other gender? Just have all characters screw up, and if someone needs to be chewed out, let both genders do it.