![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dmxrated(Reverted the names back, because while he did acknowledge the favor I was doing for Jake, Brian told me last night that the use of alternate names, even with a key, made it harder for him to keep track of who is who from canon. I do currently have a copy of the original saved onto my desktop, in case the Share feature on this site only allowed me to send Jake a link instead of an actual copy.)
Before I begin, here is a link to Starbound itself:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8895129/1/Starbound
(I have the first half of chapter 3 stored on my flash drive, for anyone who's read the current two chapters to understand what's going on. Or, for those of you without time to read the whole thing, I did also summarize everything for Jake to help him catch up with things.)
-----
From where I've left off mid-third-chapter, the party has stopped at a burger joint to eat lunch and discuss the situation at hand. At some point, Miyuki gets up to use the restroom, and encounters a boy who turns out to be Rokuna's current boyfriend Yamazaki. Kagami and Rokuna sense him, get up, and speak to him, and then all four of them return to introduce him to Konata and Tsukasa.
When the girls finish eating and talking, they are going first to some kind of sports equipment store to get some better weapons than what they currently have, and then to a pet store to buy some stuff for Kagami's goldfish Gyopi. From what Jake has suggested, when they reach the latter destination, it will turn out that a few delinquents have stolen some money and/or merchandise, and it will be up to Miyuki, Konata, and Rokuna to track them down while Kagami and Tsukasa return home to drop off what they've bought for Gyopi.
Along the way, they will also meet three of Rokuna's friends that she referred to at the burger place, each in a separate location. In no particular order, the first of those will be met at the sports store, the second at the pet store, and the last one at the delinquents' hideout.
At the end of the day, when the party settles down at a hotel somewhere, Rokuna will mention how hard it is to believe that, even when the party met her three friends in person, they still hadn't had their hair updone despite being her friends while she only met the girls she's traveling with just the previous night.
Not sure what will happen the next day, in chapter 4, but I have decided that whenever the girls see fit to have a break from things, they will spend some time at the local arcade (possibly among other places). While Konata is playing a certain fighting game, a manga-only character named Kou Yasaka will make her first cameo here and challenge her from the other side of the game's machine.
-----
Now, to clear up a few issues:
Currently, Yamazaki has no real role in things yet. Jake did suggest that he be possessed or otherwise become some kind of boss, but I didn't like that idea at all and would rather he contribute to things in a positive way.
The main reason why I created him in the first place, is to ensure that there was at least one male character other than Rokuna's father at her birthday party two nights earlier. Rokuna mentioned earlier on that she was initially self-conscious (though in a positive way) in front of her friends after choosing one of the Magé Stones and letting it do her hair up, and typically, I find someone's embarrassment more appealing if it's in front of at least one person of the opposite sex.
I established three of Rokuna's other friends as long-haired high school seniors (she herself is one as well in this story) for two reasons: One, is to keep things a mystery as to who or what kinds of people the Magé Stones seek (aside from long-haired female humans).
The other reason, is because it's easy enough for those who enjoy cameos of characters not too heavily involved in the events of their stories to create some for those canon to the source material, or to make references to them or to stuff that happened canonically, even if the plot doesn't call for it. With original characters, characterization and background, as well as other people they know, tend to revolve around whatever the plot needs. Daví, for example, is based on a character from Popotan, so it would be easy enough to include an equivalent to someone who his source counterpart had a crush on during the arc in which he will debut. With someone completely original like Maria, Nursen, Desiré, or Claire, all of whom will appear later in the story, there are no pre-established characters or events to refer to; whatever will be established within this story will probably be based on whatever it needs, rather than on full-out world- and history-building. Kagami, Tsukasa, Konata, and Miyuki all had their own show, but even then, it was limited to their junior year onward; nobody else even had that, but then again, neither did Ness in Earthbound from before that game begins (or at least nothing covered in great detail).
The reason for Kou's appearance, is because there is a friend of hers who I would like to make a cameo later in the fic. Granted, said friend's only real appearances were in certain video games, although she did make inter-chapter appearances in the manga. The deal, though, is that at the end of the fic, three canon girls will have their hair updone by a Magé Stone, even though the main conflict will have ended months earlier. For the main story, there will be seven girls in all who will have their hair updone before entering (or comprising) the main party. Since the stones are based on the twelve birthstones, that will leave two to remain ambiguous. Unlikely as it may be, should this fic spawn anything recursive, I would like whoever works on such new fics to be familiar with any canon characters (especially the long-haired ones) who made few or no appearances in the anime, while still deciding for themselves whether to choose any of those characters or to create their own ones. Ditto with the school nurse when she talks to Pink in the girls' room during chapter 1.
Regarding the pet shop incident and its perpetrators, I did initially object to it based on being too similar to the Sharks gang situation in Earthbound. Jake did say that he made them into "rascals" instead of a full-blown gang so as to avoid that, and suggested that I find a way to make it applicable instead of discrediting it altogether. To his credit, though, I think he might've felt like he was under pressure to share the first thing that would come to mind, and for that reason, I did ask him to take his time regarding things I would bring up the next day or later (such as with Yamazaki). If Chelle and/or Brian would like to suggest anything different, I will decide whose idea(s) I like the best between theirs and Jake's. (And no, I won't say anything about the pet shop in Earthbound Zero, since Jake wants nothing to do with that game or Mother 3.)
Unless Chelle deems it unnecessary, Kagami and Tsukasa's departure from the other three girls should affect something.
(For comparison, when Konata leaves the group to escort Yutaka back to her house upon leaving Rokuna's, we then cut to a scene where Konata's homeroom teacher, Nanako Kuroi, stops by to speak to Konata's father, Soujiro, regarding what Konata mentioned to her online about the journey they'd be embarking on. That would lead to Konata filling Nanako in on the details offpage, and from there, Nanako would be the one to drive her, Soujiro, and Yutaka to Kagami's home while Rokuna is speaking with Konata's older cousin Yui (a police officer). At some point, after talking some more, then exploring the wrecked home, and seeing the featureless pond in which Gyopi had been residing in since the anime's fifth episode, Rokuna will give all three adults present her home address and both phone numbers, and suggest that they pay a visit to her father, Ichirobei, to find out more that they need to know. Then, next time Konata signs onto her net game, Nanako will inform her that Ichirobei explained everything to her and the others, and will ask her to fill her in on everything that goes on between sessions--essentially the fic's equivalent of Ness asking his dad to save your game data.)
Finally, before Chelle asks, I did toy with the idea of the pet shop in question being the same one that the main characters visit late in the OAV. Decided against it, though, because right now, it is still too early in the story for any acid trips to take place.
-----
And, here are some biographies for each of Rokuna's friends:
Yamazaki Tsutsuji
Personality: A bit cocky, but tends to watch out for his friends no matter what kind of danger it may put him in. He also tends to think that he better them everyone by comparison, but will admit to his faults. His hobby is singing punk, rock, and metal songs.
Background: Has recently moved out of a foster home and is currently living by himself.
Basis: http://z6.invisionfree.com/dotHack_NewWorld/index.php?showtopic=9031
Rin Mazaki
Personality: Very social, ready to strike up conversation with just about anyone about anything. Fairly easygoing and not afraid of a challenge, the latter can sometimes get her into a bad spot when she doesn’t know when to give up. She is not one to be easily afraid of anything, at least by her outward appearance. She does whatever she deems to be ‘fun’.
Background: Lives with her parents and two younger brothers in the center of Tokyo. Pretty well off, so far she has only had to worry about schooling and choosing her future career. A big fan of online games.
Basis: http://z6.invisionfree.com/dotHack_NewWorld/index.php?showtopic=8888
Junko Ubaraki
Personality: A bright character who usually be upbeat, but at the same time she tends to see the darker side of things. She is very caring but tries to not show it, but it always shines through in her concern for others. It takes a long while for Thistle to get upset and when she is, she tends to become a bit cynical and skeptical. Thistle loves cute things and is easily distracted by many things (especially animals and beautiful scenery). She loves adventure and meeting new people though she doesn't approve of those that look down on others because they are new to experiences, since everyone was new at one point.
Background: Had just transferred this year to Rokuna's school, so the fact that she's not seeing anyone from her previous school makes her a bit anxious.
Basis: http://z6.invisionfree.com/dotHack_NewWorld/index.php?showtopic=8865
Chitose Kubota
Personality: A tough girl who doesn't put up with bullshit. She can be nice, or mean depending on who she is talking to. And she definitely is more out going than most people. She won't hesitate to say what is on her mind, or to jump in a brawl. Her anger is both hot and cold. She is both easily angered, but also logical about how she uses her anger.
Background: Had a twin sister who died in the womb and became a personality disorder attached to her. That personality disorder manifested into a trapped twin sister within her sister's body.
Basis: http://z6.invisionfree.com/dotHack_NewWorld/index.php?showtopic=8838
-----
To sum it up, I need help:
-fleshing out the roles and interactions with each of Rokuna's four friends that the party will meet.
-deciding on something that Kagami and Tsukasa's temporary departure from the group will affect.
-fleshing out what will happen regarding the pet shop situation and the party's interactions with those responsible. Or, if Brian or Chelle can think of anything different (if I like it better than what Jake came up with), I'll be interested in discussing that instead.
And, I'll let Chelle come up with some outfits for each of Rokuna's female friends.
Update 10/8/13: After having read this entry the first time, Brian did advise me to switch to someone's POV. Originally, I did start the third chapter off with everyone's thoughts about the whole thing, but given how normally insistent I am to stick with omniscient third-person POV, that confused Chelle as to why I'd dump them now. He did have other advice, but I don't remember it offhand right now; however, it was stuff that Chelle had already mentioned before anyway.
(Chelle, I know you would've most likely preferred that he'd left a comment, but I did want to keep the discussion going more fluidly. As it turns out, though, he actually did most of the talking, so I suppose myself that a comment would be more practical whenever he re-reads this after reading everything I have of the fic itself so far.)
Before I begin, here is a link to Starbound itself:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8895129/1/Starbound
(I have the first half of chapter 3 stored on my flash drive, for anyone who's read the current two chapters to understand what's going on. Or, for those of you without time to read the whole thing, I did also summarize everything for Jake to help him catch up with things.)
-----
From where I've left off mid-third-chapter, the party has stopped at a burger joint to eat lunch and discuss the situation at hand. At some point, Miyuki gets up to use the restroom, and encounters a boy who turns out to be Rokuna's current boyfriend Yamazaki. Kagami and Rokuna sense him, get up, and speak to him, and then all four of them return to introduce him to Konata and Tsukasa.
When the girls finish eating and talking, they are going first to some kind of sports equipment store to get some better weapons than what they currently have, and then to a pet store to buy some stuff for Kagami's goldfish Gyopi. From what Jake has suggested, when they reach the latter destination, it will turn out that a few delinquents have stolen some money and/or merchandise, and it will be up to Miyuki, Konata, and Rokuna to track them down while Kagami and Tsukasa return home to drop off what they've bought for Gyopi.
Along the way, they will also meet three of Rokuna's friends that she referred to at the burger place, each in a separate location. In no particular order, the first of those will be met at the sports store, the second at the pet store, and the last one at the delinquents' hideout.
At the end of the day, when the party settles down at a hotel somewhere, Rokuna will mention how hard it is to believe that, even when the party met her three friends in person, they still hadn't had their hair updone despite being her friends while she only met the girls she's traveling with just the previous night.
Not sure what will happen the next day, in chapter 4, but I have decided that whenever the girls see fit to have a break from things, they will spend some time at the local arcade (possibly among other places). While Konata is playing a certain fighting game, a manga-only character named Kou Yasaka will make her first cameo here and challenge her from the other side of the game's machine.
-----
Now, to clear up a few issues:
Currently, Yamazaki has no real role in things yet. Jake did suggest that he be possessed or otherwise become some kind of boss, but I didn't like that idea at all and would rather he contribute to things in a positive way.
The main reason why I created him in the first place, is to ensure that there was at least one male character other than Rokuna's father at her birthday party two nights earlier. Rokuna mentioned earlier on that she was initially self-conscious (though in a positive way) in front of her friends after choosing one of the Magé Stones and letting it do her hair up, and typically, I find someone's embarrassment more appealing if it's in front of at least one person of the opposite sex.
I established three of Rokuna's other friends as long-haired high school seniors (she herself is one as well in this story) for two reasons: One, is to keep things a mystery as to who or what kinds of people the Magé Stones seek (aside from long-haired female humans).
The other reason, is because it's easy enough for those who enjoy cameos of characters not too heavily involved in the events of their stories to create some for those canon to the source material, or to make references to them or to stuff that happened canonically, even if the plot doesn't call for it. With original characters, characterization and background, as well as other people they know, tend to revolve around whatever the plot needs. Daví, for example, is based on a character from Popotan, so it would be easy enough to include an equivalent to someone who his source counterpart had a crush on during the arc in which he will debut. With someone completely original like Maria, Nursen, Desiré, or Claire, all of whom will appear later in the story, there are no pre-established characters or events to refer to; whatever will be established within this story will probably be based on whatever it needs, rather than on full-out world- and history-building. Kagami, Tsukasa, Konata, and Miyuki all had their own show, but even then, it was limited to their junior year onward; nobody else even had that, but then again, neither did Ness in Earthbound from before that game begins (or at least nothing covered in great detail).
The reason for Kou's appearance, is because there is a friend of hers who I would like to make a cameo later in the fic. Granted, said friend's only real appearances were in certain video games, although she did make inter-chapter appearances in the manga. The deal, though, is that at the end of the fic, three canon girls will have their hair updone by a Magé Stone, even though the main conflict will have ended months earlier. For the main story, there will be seven girls in all who will have their hair updone before entering (or comprising) the main party. Since the stones are based on the twelve birthstones, that will leave two to remain ambiguous. Unlikely as it may be, should this fic spawn anything recursive, I would like whoever works on such new fics to be familiar with any canon characters (especially the long-haired ones) who made few or no appearances in the anime, while still deciding for themselves whether to choose any of those characters or to create their own ones. Ditto with the school nurse when she talks to Pink in the girls' room during chapter 1.
Regarding the pet shop incident and its perpetrators, I did initially object to it based on being too similar to the Sharks gang situation in Earthbound. Jake did say that he made them into "rascals" instead of a full-blown gang so as to avoid that, and suggested that I find a way to make it applicable instead of discrediting it altogether. To his credit, though, I think he might've felt like he was under pressure to share the first thing that would come to mind, and for that reason, I did ask him to take his time regarding things I would bring up the next day or later (such as with Yamazaki). If Chelle and/or Brian would like to suggest anything different, I will decide whose idea(s) I like the best between theirs and Jake's. (And no, I won't say anything about the pet shop in Earthbound Zero, since Jake wants nothing to do with that game or Mother 3.)
Unless Chelle deems it unnecessary, Kagami and Tsukasa's departure from the other three girls should affect something.
(For comparison, when Konata leaves the group to escort Yutaka back to her house upon leaving Rokuna's, we then cut to a scene where Konata's homeroom teacher, Nanako Kuroi, stops by to speak to Konata's father, Soujiro, regarding what Konata mentioned to her online about the journey they'd be embarking on. That would lead to Konata filling Nanako in on the details offpage, and from there, Nanako would be the one to drive her, Soujiro, and Yutaka to Kagami's home while Rokuna is speaking with Konata's older cousin Yui (a police officer). At some point, after talking some more, then exploring the wrecked home, and seeing the featureless pond in which Gyopi had been residing in since the anime's fifth episode, Rokuna will give all three adults present her home address and both phone numbers, and suggest that they pay a visit to her father, Ichirobei, to find out more that they need to know. Then, next time Konata signs onto her net game, Nanako will inform her that Ichirobei explained everything to her and the others, and will ask her to fill her in on everything that goes on between sessions--essentially the fic's equivalent of Ness asking his dad to save your game data.)
Finally, before Chelle asks, I did toy with the idea of the pet shop in question being the same one that the main characters visit late in the OAV. Decided against it, though, because right now, it is still too early in the story for any acid trips to take place.
-----
And, here are some biographies for each of Rokuna's friends:
Yamazaki Tsutsuji
Personality: A bit cocky, but tends to watch out for his friends no matter what kind of danger it may put him in. He also tends to think that he better them everyone by comparison, but will admit to his faults. His hobby is singing punk, rock, and metal songs.
Background: Has recently moved out of a foster home and is currently living by himself.
Basis: http://z6.invisionfree.com/dotHack_NewWorld/index.php?showtopic=9031
Rin Mazaki
Personality: Very social, ready to strike up conversation with just about anyone about anything. Fairly easygoing and not afraid of a challenge, the latter can sometimes get her into a bad spot when she doesn’t know when to give up. She is not one to be easily afraid of anything, at least by her outward appearance. She does whatever she deems to be ‘fun’.
Background: Lives with her parents and two younger brothers in the center of Tokyo. Pretty well off, so far she has only had to worry about schooling and choosing her future career. A big fan of online games.
Basis: http://z6.invisionfree.com/dotHack_NewWorld/index.php?showtopic=8888
Junko Ubaraki
Personality: A bright character who usually be upbeat, but at the same time she tends to see the darker side of things. She is very caring but tries to not show it, but it always shines through in her concern for others. It takes a long while for Thistle to get upset and when she is, she tends to become a bit cynical and skeptical. Thistle loves cute things and is easily distracted by many things (especially animals and beautiful scenery). She loves adventure and meeting new people though she doesn't approve of those that look down on others because they are new to experiences, since everyone was new at one point.
Background: Had just transferred this year to Rokuna's school, so the fact that she's not seeing anyone from her previous school makes her a bit anxious.
Basis: http://z6.invisionfree.com/dotHack_NewWorld/index.php?showtopic=8865
Chitose Kubota
Personality: A tough girl who doesn't put up with bullshit. She can be nice, or mean depending on who she is talking to. And she definitely is more out going than most people. She won't hesitate to say what is on her mind, or to jump in a brawl. Her anger is both hot and cold. She is both easily angered, but also logical about how she uses her anger.
Background: Had a twin sister who died in the womb and became a personality disorder attached to her. That personality disorder manifested into a trapped twin sister within her sister's body.
Basis: http://z6.invisionfree.com/dotHack_NewWorld/index.php?showtopic=8838
-----
To sum it up, I need help:
-fleshing out the roles and interactions with each of Rokuna's four friends that the party will meet.
-deciding on something that Kagami and Tsukasa's temporary departure from the group will affect.
-fleshing out what will happen regarding the pet shop situation and the party's interactions with those responsible. Or, if Brian or Chelle can think of anything different (if I like it better than what Jake came up with), I'll be interested in discussing that instead.
And, I'll let Chelle come up with some outfits for each of Rokuna's female friends.
Update 10/8/13: After having read this entry the first time, Brian did advise me to switch to someone's POV. Originally, I did start the third chapter off with everyone's thoughts about the whole thing, but given how normally insistent I am to stick with omniscient third-person POV, that confused Chelle as to why I'd dump them now. He did have other advice, but I don't remember it offhand right now; however, it was stuff that Chelle had already mentioned before anyway.
(Chelle, I know you would've most likely preferred that he'd left a comment, but I did want to keep the discussion going more fluidly. As it turns out, though, he actually did most of the talking, so I suppose myself that a comment would be more practical whenever he re-reads this after reading everything I have of the fic itself so far.)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
You don't have to keep asking.
Date: 2013-10-08 01:12 am (UTC)You don't need to keep telling me to answer. I'm not answering because I don't have an answer, be it for the positive (subject done) or negative (I can't come up with something to say in response). I'm sorry this doesn't help the 'agreement', but unfortunately it's why I haven't replied to these things here.
So yeah. Point taken. *Enough*, please.
Re: You don't have to keep asking.
Date: 2019-07-16 12:52 pm (UTC)Okay, then. I'll give you some more time to think about everything I've described on this entry. You can answer whenever you're ready, and if Yincira has anything to ask you, I'll let you know.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-16 12:55 pm (UTC)-fleshing out the roles and interactions with each of Rokuna's four friends that the party will meet.
You can't flesh out their roles if they don't have a role yet.
Currently, Yamazaki has no real role in things yet. Jake did suggest that he be possessed or otherwise become some kind of boss, but I didn't like that idea at all and would rather he contribute to things in a positive way.
Eh, the possession thing might be the best option, maybe he can somehow obtain information of the enemy that way and contribute positively like that? I don't really know any other way he's contribute, since everything they might need is already covered by Miyuki's dad.
I established three of Rokuna's other friends as long-haired high school seniors for two reasons: One, is to keep things a mystery as to who or what kinds of people the Magé Stones seek.
You doesn't need whole characters to establish that.
The other reason, is because it's easy enough for those who enjoy cameos of characters not too heavily involved in the events of their stories to create some for those canon to the source material, or to make references to them or to stuff that happened canonically, even if the plot doesn't call for it.
That's not a reason that's contributing to the story, you're doing it for a hypothetical audience. That makes them characters without role as well.
Not saying they should go, since it'd be realistic for Rokuna to have a friend circle of her own, but they shouldn't take up too much time.
whatever will be established within this story will probably be based on whatever it needs, rather than on full-out world- and history-building.
World and history building are needed in some cases, since they are setting.
-deciding on something that Kagami and Tsukasa's temporary departure from the group will affect.
Need more context, like why you want it and how you want it to advance the story.
-fleshing out what will happen regarding the pet shop situation and the party's interactions with those responsible.
In any case we can start with discussing what advancement they make with using their powers, and possible have someone making a small error with it to cement how much they're still rookies. What kind of error will also affect a tone; are any animals going to get injured or die in the crossfire, will there be a crossfire?
no subject
Date: 2019-07-16 12:56 pm (UTC)They have to leave, because they still have Gyopi back at home to bring everything they buy at the pet shop back to while the other three girls take care of a new situation that has arisen.
In any case we can start with discussing what advancement they make with using their powers, and possible have someone making a small error with it to cement how much they're still rookies. What kind of error will also affect a tone; are any animals going to get injured or die in the crossfire, will there be a crossfire?
Okay, that would be a good start.
In any case, thanks for all that at least. Still gonna have to wait until Jake and/or Brian have read up to where I currently am, since they are more familiar with Earthbound than you are and can help aim for that game's tone, instead of just focusing on the strategic side of things (like what you mentioned regarding Yamazaki).
In any case, I'll be honest with both you and myself: For some reason, I think this is really about me being able to at least update the fanfic for now. You did say before that a chapter consisting mostly of dialogue isn't bad in and of itself, but also that the note I would've ended the chapter on would've been rather weak. Brian did tell me the other night that I shouldn't concern myself so much with chapter length, and even said that a mere three pages could constitute a chapter unto itself if enough things get accomplished, or something like that.
Anyway, still going for a more friendly role for Yamazaki, would you at least be able to suggest a better way to wrap up what I've got so far of the third chapter?
no subject
Date: 2019-07-16 12:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-07-16 12:57 pm (UTC)Similar to how the second chapter ending with a cutaway to Nanako leads up to her entire path throughout this one, when I didn't even originally have anything on mind in particular for her when I actually wrote that bit.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-16 12:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-07-16 12:57 pm (UTC)In any case, I think it's about time to just give the whole thing a rest for a while. I'll just come back whenever ideas come naturally, or maybe when Jake finally ghostwrites all three current chapters.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-16 12:58 pm (UTC)