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Dec. 9th, 2013 05:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dmxratedMom fell and bruised herself two nights ago. I was already asleep by that time, so I didn't see any of the details, but I woke straight up and screamed "OH MY GOD!!!" upon hearing it, thinking she had also broken some glasses around her. (She didn't.) Dad went over to help her; I remained in my room but did ask if she was okay.
Dad and I needed to be there to help Mom sit or get up out of bed yesterday. Even then, she hasn't been able to do much of anything.
-----
During our time in Virginia, Grandma Barbara asked me at one point about my writing hobby. I told her about Starbound, and sent her an email hyperlinking to each chapter I have up so far, along with each episode of Lucky Star itself.
Yesterday, I took a turn to speak to her while she called us for this week. She told me that, while she doesn't remember where she left off, the fic itself seems more like a script than a novel. Even though the format is the same as with a novel, the writing is generally more simplistic, in that I don't describe the surroundings and stuff like that.
Well, yeah. To describe everything about where a scene takes place would be the written equivalent to having a shot of the area as a whole, followed by a few more of stuff going on or specific parts of the area, before focusing on the focal characters for that scene. Some works also begin with a monologue, in which case, if it's in a written format, you don't describe anything that would be shown in a visual format while whoever speaks is doing so.
For this fic, I was aiming to start off exactly like Earthbound, which does start off with some hovering shots over Onett, but also fades to black between each in order to display a line. In this case, I felt that a few ellipses between each opening line would've captured the same kind of feeling best despite being a different format.
http://youtu.be/rwO4MRr7dtQ?t=1m41s
That, of course, is just speaking for the first scene, but yeah, I don't feel that it's necessary to give a description of ordinary places such as houses or restaurants that the characters are already familiar with. More unusual places might call for details such as "It was cool and stark inside."
If you'd like a sample, though, here's how I'd write the very first scene of Lucky Star. Nothing particularly epic given that show's genre, but it is the source material.
"On your mark," commanded a female gym teacher as she held a pop gun into the air. "Get set!"
The coach then sounded off the gun, and off took each of her students to run the track. In the lead was a short girl with extremely long blue hair. She maintained her position as they ran around the curve, and finished the race in dynamic fashion.
00'25"41, read a stopwatch upon being stopped.
"Wooowwww, Kona-chan, that was so amazing!" said the girl holding the stopwatch. Her short hair was lavender and held back with a yellow ribbon sporting two flaps from the center where it was tied. She then turned her head slightly towards the blue-haired girl, her eyes closed while still smiling while the bluenette wiped her cheek with a light-green facecloth.
"You're so good at sports, and I always wondered," she continued. "How come you don't join a team or anything?"
"Cause if I got on a team and started playing sports," said the bluenette, before raising a finger. "I'd miss all of my prime-time anime shows."
(If anyone would like me to try writing the beginning or any other scene of a different anime, one that would actually interest me, just leave a comment and I'll try. Of course, this should serve as enough of an example, but maybe not.)
Dad and I needed to be there to help Mom sit or get up out of bed yesterday. Even then, she hasn't been able to do much of anything.
-----
During our time in Virginia, Grandma Barbara asked me at one point about my writing hobby. I told her about Starbound, and sent her an email hyperlinking to each chapter I have up so far, along with each episode of Lucky Star itself.
Yesterday, I took a turn to speak to her while she called us for this week. She told me that, while she doesn't remember where she left off, the fic itself seems more like a script than a novel. Even though the format is the same as with a novel, the writing is generally more simplistic, in that I don't describe the surroundings and stuff like that.
Well, yeah. To describe everything about where a scene takes place would be the written equivalent to having a shot of the area as a whole, followed by a few more of stuff going on or specific parts of the area, before focusing on the focal characters for that scene. Some works also begin with a monologue, in which case, if it's in a written format, you don't describe anything that would be shown in a visual format while whoever speaks is doing so.
For this fic, I was aiming to start off exactly like Earthbound, which does start off with some hovering shots over Onett, but also fades to black between each in order to display a line. In this case, I felt that a few ellipses between each opening line would've captured the same kind of feeling best despite being a different format.
http://youtu.be/rwO4MRr7dtQ?t=1m41s
That, of course, is just speaking for the first scene, but yeah, I don't feel that it's necessary to give a description of ordinary places such as houses or restaurants that the characters are already familiar with. More unusual places might call for details such as "It was cool and stark inside."
If you'd like a sample, though, here's how I'd write the very first scene of Lucky Star. Nothing particularly epic given that show's genre, but it is the source material.
"On your mark," commanded a female gym teacher as she held a pop gun into the air. "Get set!"
The coach then sounded off the gun, and off took each of her students to run the track. In the lead was a short girl with extremely long blue hair. She maintained her position as they ran around the curve, and finished the race in dynamic fashion.
00'25"41, read a stopwatch upon being stopped.
"Wooowwww, Kona-chan, that was so amazing!" said the girl holding the stopwatch. Her short hair was lavender and held back with a yellow ribbon sporting two flaps from the center where it was tied. She then turned her head slightly towards the blue-haired girl, her eyes closed while still smiling while the bluenette wiped her cheek with a light-green facecloth.
"You're so good at sports, and I always wondered," she continued. "How come you don't join a team or anything?"
"Cause if I got on a team and started playing sports," said the bluenette, before raising a finger. "I'd miss all of my prime-time anime shows."
(If anyone would like me to try writing the beginning or any other scene of a different anime, one that would actually interest me, just leave a comment and I'll try. Of course, this should serve as enough of an example, but maybe not.)
no subject
Date: 2019-07-16 01:15 pm (UTC)the fic itself seems more like a script than a novel.
I completely agree. Your writing is more like listing events that happen, devoid of attempt to get the readers invested.
Long chunks of descriptions aren't what's needed, it's observational details of tie the surrounding to the characters. Your writing style is really just "this happened" and nothing more :
It was cool and stark inside.
That's telling, like a script guideline for an actor. Here's showing :
The moment she stepped inside, cold damp air hit her skin. Withing no time, she was shivering. She considered going back to get a coat, but decided not to. It'd take more time than she could afford.
And here's more of the same bland script style :
and finished the race in dynamic fashion.
There are so many ways a dynamic fashion could be. It should be the most relevant thing, since it's the finale of the big event of the scene, yet it's just written down like it's a grocery list.
such as houses or restaurants
Houses, yes. Restaurants, no. People revisiting restaurants do so because they like the food and atmosphere, and will note both upon being there.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-16 01:15 pm (UTC)Given what you said, I'm guessing I should also have described what Rokuna's house was like when the mains get there, and also what it looks like when it's decorated for her birthday beforehand. Right?
Anything else you might note?
no subject
Date: 2019-07-16 01:16 pm (UTC)Plus, how a character perceives their surrounding is one of the many little things that can be used to characterize. Don't have them stand and describe what they see, have them interact and respond in a unique way. If a house decorator had really weird taste in paintings, they might pause to look at it, if they're sore from fighting sitting down on a hard chair will be less appealing than the soft couch.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-16 01:17 pm (UTC)Well, with the fic I'm currently working on, I guess I'll go back to add some stuff in about how the house looks as decorated once I finish the first draft. Could use some tips on how to describe the house in the main fic's second chapter, though, although it probably wouldn't be much different from when Tsukasa and Kagami visit Konata's house for the first time (ep. 10).