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dmxratedSo, here is what was supposed to have been posted on this day last year, if only my laptop hadn't fucked up on me. This is the exchange I had with Chelle a year earlier still, about the story I once spent years developing a plot for. Here is exactly how it all came apart, leading Starbound to replace it as the focal story of my choice.
Part I, my plot summary and Chelle's critique.
Me:
First main chapter will be about the group as a whole. The 10-12 after that will each be devoted to one character in particular, showcasing which special move each of them use, enabling the rest of the group to use it from there on. For most of that time, things are peaceful enough, with the Knights having mainly to contend with Count Collection. However, at least one of the new villains will make an appearance for one of those chapters, before the story reveals the group that they or she belongs to in the next chapter or so.[1]
From there on, the rest of the villains are introduced one by one, with Elias and whoever the new leader is coming in much later. There will also be at least one meeting with each of the gods along the way. (Speaking of which, they might be the ones who make the prophecies.)[2]
Will decide which items are in what hands.[3]
There are also traumatic pasts for most of the Knights that they must deal with, most of which will be revealed along the way. When Reda comes back to life, he will exploit these:[4]
Attiya: On top of the fact that she could barely settle down in one place until finding her place in the Cult of McKnight, Reda reminds her that she has left so many friends behind, and in doing so, has taken something away from them that she gave to them, and thus they will await a return that she will never be able to make.
Davis: Believed until some point that everything was just a game. The reality shock that hit him is what Reda exploits.
Anneth: Her father was killed by a drunk driver, and she believed this to be her fault for having asked him to do something that required him to cross the street when she and her family were out somewhere. He tries to get her to believe that it really is, and that more of her loved ones will die if she continues to live, and that she can save them by killing herself.
Katsuo: Due to his hatred for girls, Reda creates an illusion for him, of his ex-girlfriend Nicole tied naked to a chair inside some kind of room, while all kinds of weapons are strewn across a table. What better way to corrupt him, just like with Zaha.[5]
Drake: (not sure yet)
Jamison: The time which he injured Kevin more than a year prior with the Voltslicer. It is never specified whether he survived or not, but seeing a hologram of him again brings guilt to him.[6]
Elena: Memories of her old school, where her superior grades put her ahead of everyone, thus costing her any friends she could have had.[7]
Rachael: Memories of the orphanage she was placed in. And it was not a friendly place either. (This will come up again in part IV.)
Kasumi: Memories of a corrupt teen help facility which abused her. (This will come up again in part IV.)
Mondo and Derek together: In the bad future, something that Derek once enjoyed with his brother and sister will become a negative trigger. In the good future, Mondo’s senses will be completely fucked up, and he will see what Rokuna would have become if he and Zaha had failed to save her. Both are given an opportunity to commit suicide.
Rokuna: Her sixth sense, until some point, has made her mostly unable to function in crowded places, preventing her from enjoying certain things she used to enjoy. Here, Reda encourages her to commit suicide, being in the middle of everyone’s angst and unable to cope with it.
Upon his release, Warp will begin his rampage by summoning Judgment, in order to cause mass destruction throughout the world. Even though the villain team wanted to rule Rokumon Sekai with an iron fist, they did not plan on committing genocide against everything minus the Demon Realm. This is where they team up with the Knights. Once Judgment is destroyed, something must still be done to bring Warp back to his senses. And then will come the Reda’s real removal from the equation.[8]
Chelle:
[1] I'd suggest at least three four of them to appear, so that it feels less like they've been waiting for the heroes to complete their training. That's one of the mayor mistakes villains often make, they wait till the heroes are powered up before dealing with them. Since Mondo and Rokuna are so freaking important, it's unlikely they wouldn't know they could pose a problem.
Btw, this is a good spot to know what kind of monster, element and realm each Knight likes, since it will determine their reaction to each location and meeting.[19]
Mondo and Rokuna could share a chapter to discover their special talents, since they're always together. Alternatively, Katsuo and Rokuna have thematically linked elements.
Also would help to determine what became of their old friends. Luke and Beginner would realistically have moved classes already, might even have gone to another school (all kids at the summoner's school were around their age or younger, so it seems that even in Rokumon Sekai human civilization, there's stuff like grade school, middle school, etcetera).
[2] That would need some explanation though on why they had to be invoked by Luke and Beginner before doing their part.[20]
[3] Since the quest continued at the end of the anime with about a hundred monsters joining it, at least two items should be in hands of friends of Mondo and Rokuna. It's really unlikely they didn't find anything, so decide quickly, since the moment they meet any of their old friends, the firstsaid friends would say is, "by the way, we got some Mon Mon Items for you!"[21]
[4] While from a story telling perspective this is a good idea since it sets up character development well, plus the psychological warfare is in character for Reda, there are technicalities in the way. How does Reda find out about those pasts? He can't read minds. Psychic links exist between summoner and summoned, but then he'd first have to strike a contract with the Knights, assuming he can do that at all.[22]
I know that in the dub, Redda knows about Gabriolis' past somehow and that implies he has magical divination powers, but that just another case of bad dubbing. In the original, Reda knows nothing about it and is completely at loss as to why Shiru hangs around.
You could say being dead somehow gave him powers, but that's really redundant. It's actually a complaint that I have about Saban's MCK : according to them, Oroboros is a creature from the regular realm imprisoned in the time realm (sealed evil in a can), which somehow gave Oroboros time powers. That makes absolutely no sense.
[5] Reda can't create actual illusions, but he can create dopplegangers (like the fake Rokuna made of straw and rat).
[6] Where does Reda get holograms?
[7] While she might not get friends on the school, she could make them online. Heck, she could join Mensa. Not getting friends wouldn't be as much of a problem as the bullying that would ensue. Many people think intelligence is scary, especially kids. That's why there is an Evil Genius trope but not a Good Genius counterpart.
Mentioning this since to anyone who get bullied for their intelligence, it might come across as whiny when her biggest problem was lack of friends on school.[23]
[8] Sounds good, just would need some explanation on Warp's rationale behind using a holy monster. Since he's mad, it doesn't have to be a logical rationale, it just needs to be there.[24]
For getting Warp back to his senses, how about letting Mondo and Rokuna merge with him? There could be this big battle to weaken Warp enough and get Mondo and Rokuna in.
About those joining sides with the heroes and those dying, also good to know that ahead of time.[25]
Last, what exactly is going to happen once the Saint Star Dragon creates the next set of items? Will they link the worlds or not, and if not, where will they hid the new items after they gathered them?[26]
Part II, from the same document.
Me:
So many things wrong with the plot I set up for this part, but first, let’s look at what the plot itself was going to be:
To start with, during the Giygas wars in Mon World some time before the Knights first arrived, the inhabitants of Mech World knew what was going on in that world. So, they built a war machine to combat it. However, somewhere along the way, the original pilot became gravely ill, and at the same time, had to stop in Man World for something. So, he entrusted it to the first person he met before dying, which happened to be Osama bin Laden. After he finished conquering the many forms of Giygas in Mon World, he used the Giygaslayer to teleport to a secret chamber somewhere to contain the Giygas Crystals (the means of containing each form of Giygas), but took two of the crystals with him to create a new form. Thus comes the birth of both Al Qaeda and Nickelodeon.[9]
Fast-forward to the events of Rockna and a Hard Place, and five years later, the attacks of September 11, 2001. We already know what goes on with both of those. At that point, Mondo Ohya and the Hiiragi family are asked by McKnight to come to live in New York for meetings with him and the Supporting Knights. More than a year after the initial attacks, Longwood High School is invaded by people under the Slime-Giygas-induced mind control of Osama bin Laden, armed with all manner of weapons such as guns, explosives, baseball bats, knives, chainsaws, sledgehammers, machetes, nunchaku, Molotov cocktails, etc. The entire school is also rigged with time bombs, and vehicles are parked in front of all entrances and exits and set on fire in order to prevent anyone from escaping. Their main goal: To kill all twelve Knights in order to eliminate a potential threat against bin Laden’s operations.[10]
After that attempt fails, this is where Takeshi Okimichi and others previously residing in prisons worldwide are recruited in order to replace everyone expended in that attack. At some point, Takeshi explains what went on that led to his incarceration, and that he’d be more than happy to get back at Mondo and Rokuna. This is where he is entrusted with the Giygaslayer.
Fast-forward: Bin Laden somehow makes it into the United States, finds his way into the new residence of the Hiiragi family, find the Stove Dragon, and draws Mondo and Rokuna into it, forcing them to bring him to Mon World at the threat of blowing the vessel up. If that were to happen, Takeshi would be free to wreak havoc in Mon World in retribution for the Knights did to him seven years ago. At some point, the Supporting Knights find the three of them, but then Takeshi steps in and teleports bin Laden away.[11]
Now that everyone’s regrouped, they somehow realize that there might be a connection between Nickelodeon and Al Qaeda, due to bin Laden’s abominations vaguely resembling characters from different shows that aired on Nick at any time up until that point. Upon confirming this, their next mission is to infiltrate Nickelodeon Studios for evidence and information, and then present it to the United States government. During their time there, they learn of the Nickelodeon Base in New York City, which had been growing there for years while cloaked in an invisibility spell. At 9:11 PM on September 11, 2004, it will release all kinds of hellspawn upon NYC, which will only be the start of a global siege.[12]
Meanwhile, bin Laden is still inside the base, with Takeshi at his side, planning on destroying the crystal containing the Slime-Giygas in order to let all hell break loose when the time comes.
The Knights enter the Nickelodeon Base, and battle bin Laden and Takeshi for a while, but not before the latter kills the Hiiragi parents and McKnight. The fight ends with Kasumi’s nightstick becoming the Time Sword, her using Time Sword Blaster against the Giygaslayer, causing it to turn into crystal and shatter with Takeshi inside, and Derek using Final Ripple to rid both worlds of the Base, bin Laden himself, and any bio-demons still running around. This causes the base to collapse with all twelve Knights inside, causing them to perish, but probably for the better since there was no way back out.[13]
With McKnight dead, there can be no new Knights to recruit. Without any other adults to inherit it, the Cult of McKnight is dissolved. But, during the 100 years between the end of this fic and the beginning of part III, the Community Of Nations To Repel Attacks is formed to eliminate any remains of Al Qaida and prevent new terrorist organizations from arising… the former of which it succeeds at, before becoming corrupt.
-----
Now, let’s take a look at everything that’s wrong with this plot:
First of all, we both know what’s wrong with Takeshi’s backstory. There are a few other points about him I’d like to mention, though:
One, he was meant as an expy of Pokey Minch from Earthbound: An obnoxious jerkass who later becomes a serious threat and fights alongside the Big Bad inside a spider-like war machine. Here, we’ve got a former school bully turned terrorist who was due to fight alongside the then-mutated Osama bin Laden inside a crab-like mech.
Two, another source of inspiration for him was the EB fanfic Earthbound 200X. More specifically, Cain, who first appears holding Polestar Preschool hostage, gets institutionalized for it, and then has someone working for Pokey bail him out and unlock his true PSI potential in exchange for his services towards Pokey. From there, he becomes a real threat.
And three, the fact that he wants revenge on the Knights and threatens both worlds in order to spite them, since they work to keep the worlds in order. That’s exactly what Katsuo was going to do in the past, with the same logic in place that when you can’t forgive someone, you seek to spite them in any way possible, as much as possible. Of course, you already ruled that as false.[14]
Moving on, there’s the Longwood High School massacre that starts this part of the ficseries. First, let me say that it was actually Adalia Glenys’ idea that the slime used in game shows be the means of mass mind control. The fact that everyone who invaded was conquered was meant to handwave why Takeshi would be entrusted with the Giygaslayer (the reason being that bin Laden had lost too many pawns that took years to reap through Nickelodeon, and now resorts to recruiting replacements from prisons).[15]
Originally, the inhabitants of Mech World somehow knew about the Giygas crises that had ensued in Mon World only up to several decades before the Knights were born. To combat this, they built a war machine to simply teleport between worlds. (At the time, I thought that Mon World and Man World were in the same universe, but in different galaxies.) At some point, the original pilot of one of them became fatally ill, and at the same time, had to go to Man World for unestablished reasons. The first person he meets before dying, is none other than Osama bin Laden, so from then on, he becomes the new pilot and learns how to use it. (Originally, there was only gonna be one Giygaslayer, but it’s more likely that such a thing would logically be mass-produced, which there is room for.) But, with this machine at hand, why didn’t he just use that to attack the World Trade Center, instead of having two of his men hijack jetliners to fly into the towers?
(I am also considering doing away with Mech World entirely.)[16]
Next, we have the Giygas Crystals, which were the means of containing all the different forms of Giygas, before being stored in a doorless underground chamber… which would have been discovered somewhere in Man World at the end of part I. Of course, you already ruled out the idea of Mon World and Man World becoming one with each other.[17]
Slime-type Giygas would have been the product of Water- and Poison-type Giygas. This goes back to when there were gonna be 24 elements in total.
And finally, how did bin Laden make his way into the United States without the Giygaslayer (which Takeshi would already have at that point)?[18]
Chelle:
[9] Highly unlikely coincidence. Did you read bin Laden's history? Out of college, he joined an organization right away. Not much chance likelihood he ever wandered around conveniently deserted areas to meet extradimensional travelers.
[10] Saying it again, RaaHP makes no sense at all in regards to both the setting and Rokuna's characterization. That badly needs retcon.
Why would anyone in their right mind give one minion a lethal weapon like explosives (how are those not going to hinder the rest?) and others something simple like a baseball bat?
Plus, even they're mind controlled, that doesn't mean they suddenly have the muscle memory to actually use those weapons.
Last, how did they know the twelve Knights even were a threat, and where to locate them?
[11]If at some point means he doesn't manage to get Mondo and Rokuna to pilot the Stove Dragon, that's good. They're too smart to forget their own teleportation powers, and might only stay to take down bin Laden so their vessel won't be blown up.
[12] That's a huge leap of logic they make there. Nickelodeon is available across the world thanks to the power of the Internet, for all they know the monsters are made by a random person in Australia who happens to be a fan.[27]
By the way, since they obtained that evidence personally and by breaking in, court would instantly dismiss it and put them in jail. They have no evidence it isn't forged, etcetera. Worst way to prove someone is a criminal ever.
[13]Needs a horribly good explanation why they didn't just teleport out.
[14] Why not give him something else to gain from it, or have his actions be more personality rooted? At this point, he just comes across as a villain who is evil just because, without really gaining anything from it.
[15] Ehm, what happened to that massive religious organization he used to have, full of people that agreed with his radical ideals? Is he Osama in name only, or something?
[16] Yeah, it's kinda redundant. The other two worlds each have a fundamental difference : one magical, one without. Each of them has technological potential, and give them a few years of development and in the future, they'll all be a Mech World.
[17] Huh? I don't remember doing that. I ruled out physically merging them since that's ridiculous and not canon. Magically merging them would still be an option, it's just that the social, religious, economic, political and environmental results would be catastrophic.
[18] If the worlds are magically linked, be could have teleported?
Other thoughts, about the third part.
If there's a hundred year time skip, lots of their original monster friends are going to be dead. A good way to link the stories is having the reborn knights meet those that still live. Depending on whether they get the memories of their past lives back, they'll also miss those who weren't reborn.
Count Collection = forever a failure, but after Chuzaemon finally died of old age, he probably settled down. Might get married, but obviously won't be producing kids.
Bacchi + Guuko = worked for Count C till their deaths, though Guuko might have had a load of suitors and get kids after an unprotected night. They could inherit Count Cs castle and all the technology that goes along with that.
These would at least be important in getting the heroes some dimensional travel, since with the Cult gone, they will be the only people left in the human world with a method to reach the six gates world that won't be in government/corrupt hands.
Luke and Beginner might or might not have gotten married. Beginner probably would be obligated to get kids cause she needs to pass down the school to someone.
Angels don't age, but the dragons do (Storm Dragon is a senior to the Fire Dragon and has kids), though I'm not sure if that still counts now they've been transformed. Pegasus, the Forest Giant, Lélé, Jahne, Panchi are all going to be dead. Hanazono No Utahime would reach maturity, but is also of an unaging species so she'd still be around too.
Which of their newly aquired allies from the first series would still live depends on whom you decide on. Which of them would be useful to have as allies in the third story?
Follow-up emails.
Me:
[19] Will likely decide the other Knights' preferred elements and realms through die rolls or something similar. Not familiar enough with monsters that never appeared in the anime, so I might need your help with that.
[20] I see. Not sure who it would be that makes the prophecies, but the Knights definitely will meet them.
[21] Kahimi will definitely have something for the Knights when the new quest begins.
[22] That idea was inspired from that mindscape scene from Soul's Window, in which it seemed Reda created the scene from Rokuna's past when, just moments earlier, they were on a desolate beach, and was asking her what she would have done if she had her sixth sense when she was little. I assumed he was setting that up, but maybe it was just the mindscape itself doing that.[28]
On that note, Jake did suggest that "for all of the friendly behavior [Drake] has, he thinks they simply can't keep up and it might as well be his duty to do things on his own, alone - so Redda basically tries to make him abandon everyone to their fates and not help them out."
[23] Bullying was probably what I meant. She probably wouldn't mention it, but Rokuna might be able to perceive it and speak to her about it.
[24] Most likely, he just wanted anything that could cause as much damage as possible.
[25] For the record, I was planning on having everyone on both core teams be alive by the end of the fic. However, if circumstances at any point demand it, I could let someone on either side just die.[29]
[26] Once the battle against Warp is over, the worlds will then be linked, and that will be that for the time being.
Overall, yes, I will definitely consider everything else that you've mentioned.
Onto the next part:
[27] Well, if the bio-demon outbreaks coincided mostly with the appearances of either bin Laden or Takeshi, then that (among other possibilities) might mean that they are linked.[30]
Other than that, not much to say about it. Most of what you've said goes to cement it further that that part of the ficseries seriously needs to be replanned. Certain things later on do rely on stuff going on here in order to happen, but I'm sure we can brainstorm to negotiate those.
Rebirth is for anyone who was important for the space-time continuum to continue, whether or not they became evil later (as had bin Laden). Certain characters such as Beginner and Luke, although they would still die before rebirth, would be reborn, because they are the ones who contacted the godspirits about the crisis Reda was posing, or something along those lines.
The point of part III is that, even though travel between the two worlds is still possible, both worlds have indeed gone to hell and are not likely to recover before civilization, life itself, and eventually, existence itself, all goes out, all thanks to the former existence of Nickelodeon and Al Qaida by Osama bin Laden. Those two entities are what need to be removed from the equation in order for a better timeline to exist.
Will have complete summaries of parts III and IV later.
Chelle:
[28] That was a product of Rokuna's mind, with the Reda figure somewhat based on a subconscious psychic blueprint she 'read' of him while in his castle. The actual Reda wasn't there and didn't create anything; no afterlife in Seven Gates. All the weird stuff during that scene was Rokuna's subconscious.
[29] Even better. It's not necessary that they outright kill any villains for the story, since the kids would probably be reluctant to do that anyway (killing others isn't natural for humans).
[30] I was talking about this: "a connection between Nickelodeon and Al Qaeda, due to bin Laden’s abominations vaguely resembling characters ...". For all they know he hired someone to create the monsters who happens to be a fan. Concluding Nickelodeon itself is the source on nothing more than a vague resemblance is like concluding that because the swastika was used by Nazi, the Nazi party must have originated in ancient India thousands of years ago.
About rebirth, do the characters at some point regain the memories of their past life?
Part I, my plot summary and Chelle's critique.
Me:
First main chapter will be about the group as a whole. The 10-12 after that will each be devoted to one character in particular, showcasing which special move each of them use, enabling the rest of the group to use it from there on. For most of that time, things are peaceful enough, with the Knights having mainly to contend with Count Collection. However, at least one of the new villains will make an appearance for one of those chapters, before the story reveals the group that they or she belongs to in the next chapter or so.[1]
From there on, the rest of the villains are introduced one by one, with Elias and whoever the new leader is coming in much later. There will also be at least one meeting with each of the gods along the way. (Speaking of which, they might be the ones who make the prophecies.)[2]
Will decide which items are in what hands.[3]
There are also traumatic pasts for most of the Knights that they must deal with, most of which will be revealed along the way. When Reda comes back to life, he will exploit these:[4]
Attiya: On top of the fact that she could barely settle down in one place until finding her place in the Cult of McKnight, Reda reminds her that she has left so many friends behind, and in doing so, has taken something away from them that she gave to them, and thus they will await a return that she will never be able to make.
Davis: Believed until some point that everything was just a game. The reality shock that hit him is what Reda exploits.
Anneth: Her father was killed by a drunk driver, and she believed this to be her fault for having asked him to do something that required him to cross the street when she and her family were out somewhere. He tries to get her to believe that it really is, and that more of her loved ones will die if she continues to live, and that she can save them by killing herself.
Katsuo: Due to his hatred for girls, Reda creates an illusion for him, of his ex-girlfriend Nicole tied naked to a chair inside some kind of room, while all kinds of weapons are strewn across a table. What better way to corrupt him, just like with Zaha.[5]
Drake: (not sure yet)
Jamison: The time which he injured Kevin more than a year prior with the Voltslicer. It is never specified whether he survived or not, but seeing a hologram of him again brings guilt to him.[6]
Elena: Memories of her old school, where her superior grades put her ahead of everyone, thus costing her any friends she could have had.[7]
Rachael: Memories of the orphanage she was placed in. And it was not a friendly place either. (This will come up again in part IV.)
Kasumi: Memories of a corrupt teen help facility which abused her. (This will come up again in part IV.)
Mondo and Derek together: In the bad future, something that Derek once enjoyed with his brother and sister will become a negative trigger. In the good future, Mondo’s senses will be completely fucked up, and he will see what Rokuna would have become if he and Zaha had failed to save her. Both are given an opportunity to commit suicide.
Rokuna: Her sixth sense, until some point, has made her mostly unable to function in crowded places, preventing her from enjoying certain things she used to enjoy. Here, Reda encourages her to commit suicide, being in the middle of everyone’s angst and unable to cope with it.
Upon his release, Warp will begin his rampage by summoning Judgment, in order to cause mass destruction throughout the world. Even though the villain team wanted to rule Rokumon Sekai with an iron fist, they did not plan on committing genocide against everything minus the Demon Realm. This is where they team up with the Knights. Once Judgment is destroyed, something must still be done to bring Warp back to his senses. And then will come the Reda’s real removal from the equation.[8]
Chelle:
[1] I'd suggest at least three four of them to appear, so that it feels less like they've been waiting for the heroes to complete their training. That's one of the mayor mistakes villains often make, they wait till the heroes are powered up before dealing with them. Since Mondo and Rokuna are so freaking important, it's unlikely they wouldn't know they could pose a problem.
Btw, this is a good spot to know what kind of monster, element and realm each Knight likes, since it will determine their reaction to each location and meeting.[19]
Mondo and Rokuna could share a chapter to discover their special talents, since they're always together. Alternatively, Katsuo and Rokuna have thematically linked elements.
Also would help to determine what became of their old friends. Luke and Beginner would realistically have moved classes already, might even have gone to another school (all kids at the summoner's school were around their age or younger, so it seems that even in Rokumon Sekai human civilization, there's stuff like grade school, middle school, etcetera).
[2] That would need some explanation though on why they had to be invoked by Luke and Beginner before doing their part.[20]
[3] Since the quest continued at the end of the anime with about a hundred monsters joining it, at least two items should be in hands of friends of Mondo and Rokuna. It's really unlikely they didn't find anything, so decide quickly, since the moment they meet any of their old friends, the firstsaid friends would say is, "by the way, we got some Mon Mon Items for you!"[21]
[4] While from a story telling perspective this is a good idea since it sets up character development well, plus the psychological warfare is in character for Reda, there are technicalities in the way. How does Reda find out about those pasts? He can't read minds. Psychic links exist between summoner and summoned, but then he'd first have to strike a contract with the Knights, assuming he can do that at all.[22]
I know that in the dub, Redda knows about Gabriolis' past somehow and that implies he has magical divination powers, but that just another case of bad dubbing. In the original, Reda knows nothing about it and is completely at loss as to why Shiru hangs around.
You could say being dead somehow gave him powers, but that's really redundant. It's actually a complaint that I have about Saban's MCK : according to them, Oroboros is a creature from the regular realm imprisoned in the time realm (sealed evil in a can), which somehow gave Oroboros time powers. That makes absolutely no sense.
[5] Reda can't create actual illusions, but he can create dopplegangers (like the fake Rokuna made of straw and rat).
[6] Where does Reda get holograms?
[7] While she might not get friends on the school, she could make them online. Heck, she could join Mensa. Not getting friends wouldn't be as much of a problem as the bullying that would ensue. Many people think intelligence is scary, especially kids. That's why there is an Evil Genius trope but not a Good Genius counterpart.
Mentioning this since to anyone who get bullied for their intelligence, it might come across as whiny when her biggest problem was lack of friends on school.[23]
[8] Sounds good, just would need some explanation on Warp's rationale behind using a holy monster. Since he's mad, it doesn't have to be a logical rationale, it just needs to be there.[24]
For getting Warp back to his senses, how about letting Mondo and Rokuna merge with him? There could be this big battle to weaken Warp enough and get Mondo and Rokuna in.
About those joining sides with the heroes and those dying, also good to know that ahead of time.[25]
Last, what exactly is going to happen once the Saint Star Dragon creates the next set of items? Will they link the worlds or not, and if not, where will they hid the new items after they gathered them?[26]
Part II, from the same document.
Me:
So many things wrong with the plot I set up for this part, but first, let’s look at what the plot itself was going to be:
To start with, during the Giygas wars in Mon World some time before the Knights first arrived, the inhabitants of Mech World knew what was going on in that world. So, they built a war machine to combat it. However, somewhere along the way, the original pilot became gravely ill, and at the same time, had to stop in Man World for something. So, he entrusted it to the first person he met before dying, which happened to be Osama bin Laden. After he finished conquering the many forms of Giygas in Mon World, he used the Giygaslayer to teleport to a secret chamber somewhere to contain the Giygas Crystals (the means of containing each form of Giygas), but took two of the crystals with him to create a new form. Thus comes the birth of both Al Qaeda and Nickelodeon.[9]
Fast-forward to the events of Rockna and a Hard Place, and five years later, the attacks of September 11, 2001. We already know what goes on with both of those. At that point, Mondo Ohya and the Hiiragi family are asked by McKnight to come to live in New York for meetings with him and the Supporting Knights. More than a year after the initial attacks, Longwood High School is invaded by people under the Slime-Giygas-induced mind control of Osama bin Laden, armed with all manner of weapons such as guns, explosives, baseball bats, knives, chainsaws, sledgehammers, machetes, nunchaku, Molotov cocktails, etc. The entire school is also rigged with time bombs, and vehicles are parked in front of all entrances and exits and set on fire in order to prevent anyone from escaping. Their main goal: To kill all twelve Knights in order to eliminate a potential threat against bin Laden’s operations.[10]
After that attempt fails, this is where Takeshi Okimichi and others previously residing in prisons worldwide are recruited in order to replace everyone expended in that attack. At some point, Takeshi explains what went on that led to his incarceration, and that he’d be more than happy to get back at Mondo and Rokuna. This is where he is entrusted with the Giygaslayer.
Fast-forward: Bin Laden somehow makes it into the United States, finds his way into the new residence of the Hiiragi family, find the Stove Dragon, and draws Mondo and Rokuna into it, forcing them to bring him to Mon World at the threat of blowing the vessel up. If that were to happen, Takeshi would be free to wreak havoc in Mon World in retribution for the Knights did to him seven years ago. At some point, the Supporting Knights find the three of them, but then Takeshi steps in and teleports bin Laden away.[11]
Now that everyone’s regrouped, they somehow realize that there might be a connection between Nickelodeon and Al Qaeda, due to bin Laden’s abominations vaguely resembling characters from different shows that aired on Nick at any time up until that point. Upon confirming this, their next mission is to infiltrate Nickelodeon Studios for evidence and information, and then present it to the United States government. During their time there, they learn of the Nickelodeon Base in New York City, which had been growing there for years while cloaked in an invisibility spell. At 9:11 PM on September 11, 2004, it will release all kinds of hellspawn upon NYC, which will only be the start of a global siege.[12]
Meanwhile, bin Laden is still inside the base, with Takeshi at his side, planning on destroying the crystal containing the Slime-Giygas in order to let all hell break loose when the time comes.
The Knights enter the Nickelodeon Base, and battle bin Laden and Takeshi for a while, but not before the latter kills the Hiiragi parents and McKnight. The fight ends with Kasumi’s nightstick becoming the Time Sword, her using Time Sword Blaster against the Giygaslayer, causing it to turn into crystal and shatter with Takeshi inside, and Derek using Final Ripple to rid both worlds of the Base, bin Laden himself, and any bio-demons still running around. This causes the base to collapse with all twelve Knights inside, causing them to perish, but probably for the better since there was no way back out.[13]
With McKnight dead, there can be no new Knights to recruit. Without any other adults to inherit it, the Cult of McKnight is dissolved. But, during the 100 years between the end of this fic and the beginning of part III, the Community Of Nations To Repel Attacks is formed to eliminate any remains of Al Qaida and prevent new terrorist organizations from arising… the former of which it succeeds at, before becoming corrupt.
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Now, let’s take a look at everything that’s wrong with this plot:
First of all, we both know what’s wrong with Takeshi’s backstory. There are a few other points about him I’d like to mention, though:
One, he was meant as an expy of Pokey Minch from Earthbound: An obnoxious jerkass who later becomes a serious threat and fights alongside the Big Bad inside a spider-like war machine. Here, we’ve got a former school bully turned terrorist who was due to fight alongside the then-mutated Osama bin Laden inside a crab-like mech.
Two, another source of inspiration for him was the EB fanfic Earthbound 200X. More specifically, Cain, who first appears holding Polestar Preschool hostage, gets institutionalized for it, and then has someone working for Pokey bail him out and unlock his true PSI potential in exchange for his services towards Pokey. From there, he becomes a real threat.
And three, the fact that he wants revenge on the Knights and threatens both worlds in order to spite them, since they work to keep the worlds in order. That’s exactly what Katsuo was going to do in the past, with the same logic in place that when you can’t forgive someone, you seek to spite them in any way possible, as much as possible. Of course, you already ruled that as false.[14]
Moving on, there’s the Longwood High School massacre that starts this part of the ficseries. First, let me say that it was actually Adalia Glenys’ idea that the slime used in game shows be the means of mass mind control. The fact that everyone who invaded was conquered was meant to handwave why Takeshi would be entrusted with the Giygaslayer (the reason being that bin Laden had lost too many pawns that took years to reap through Nickelodeon, and now resorts to recruiting replacements from prisons).[15]
Originally, the inhabitants of Mech World somehow knew about the Giygas crises that had ensued in Mon World only up to several decades before the Knights were born. To combat this, they built a war machine to simply teleport between worlds. (At the time, I thought that Mon World and Man World were in the same universe, but in different galaxies.) At some point, the original pilot of one of them became fatally ill, and at the same time, had to go to Man World for unestablished reasons. The first person he meets before dying, is none other than Osama bin Laden, so from then on, he becomes the new pilot and learns how to use it. (Originally, there was only gonna be one Giygaslayer, but it’s more likely that such a thing would logically be mass-produced, which there is room for.) But, with this machine at hand, why didn’t he just use that to attack the World Trade Center, instead of having two of his men hijack jetliners to fly into the towers?
(I am also considering doing away with Mech World entirely.)[16]
Next, we have the Giygas Crystals, which were the means of containing all the different forms of Giygas, before being stored in a doorless underground chamber… which would have been discovered somewhere in Man World at the end of part I. Of course, you already ruled out the idea of Mon World and Man World becoming one with each other.[17]
Slime-type Giygas would have been the product of Water- and Poison-type Giygas. This goes back to when there were gonna be 24 elements in total.
And finally, how did bin Laden make his way into the United States without the Giygaslayer (which Takeshi would already have at that point)?[18]
Chelle:
[9] Highly unlikely coincidence. Did you read bin Laden's history? Out of college, he joined an organization right away. Not much chance likelihood he ever wandered around conveniently deserted areas to meet extradimensional travelers.
[10] Saying it again, RaaHP makes no sense at all in regards to both the setting and Rokuna's characterization. That badly needs retcon.
Why would anyone in their right mind give one minion a lethal weapon like explosives (how are those not going to hinder the rest?) and others something simple like a baseball bat?
Plus, even they're mind controlled, that doesn't mean they suddenly have the muscle memory to actually use those weapons.
Last, how did they know the twelve Knights even were a threat, and where to locate them?
[11]If at some point means he doesn't manage to get Mondo and Rokuna to pilot the Stove Dragon, that's good. They're too smart to forget their own teleportation powers, and might only stay to take down bin Laden so their vessel won't be blown up.
[12] That's a huge leap of logic they make there. Nickelodeon is available across the world thanks to the power of the Internet, for all they know the monsters are made by a random person in Australia who happens to be a fan.[27]
By the way, since they obtained that evidence personally and by breaking in, court would instantly dismiss it and put them in jail. They have no evidence it isn't forged, etcetera. Worst way to prove someone is a criminal ever.
[13]Needs a horribly good explanation why they didn't just teleport out.
[14] Why not give him something else to gain from it, or have his actions be more personality rooted? At this point, he just comes across as a villain who is evil just because, without really gaining anything from it.
[15] Ehm, what happened to that massive religious organization he used to have, full of people that agreed with his radical ideals? Is he Osama in name only, or something?
[16] Yeah, it's kinda redundant. The other two worlds each have a fundamental difference : one magical, one without. Each of them has technological potential, and give them a few years of development and in the future, they'll all be a Mech World.
[17] Huh? I don't remember doing that. I ruled out physically merging them since that's ridiculous and not canon. Magically merging them would still be an option, it's just that the social, religious, economic, political and environmental results would be catastrophic.
[18] If the worlds are magically linked, be could have teleported?
Other thoughts, about the third part.
If there's a hundred year time skip, lots of their original monster friends are going to be dead. A good way to link the stories is having the reborn knights meet those that still live. Depending on whether they get the memories of their past lives back, they'll also miss those who weren't reborn.
Count Collection = forever a failure, but after Chuzaemon finally died of old age, he probably settled down. Might get married, but obviously won't be producing kids.
Bacchi + Guuko = worked for Count C till their deaths, though Guuko might have had a load of suitors and get kids after an unprotected night. They could inherit Count Cs castle and all the technology that goes along with that.
These would at least be important in getting the heroes some dimensional travel, since with the Cult gone, they will be the only people left in the human world with a method to reach the six gates world that won't be in government/corrupt hands.
Luke and Beginner might or might not have gotten married. Beginner probably would be obligated to get kids cause she needs to pass down the school to someone.
Angels don't age, but the dragons do (Storm Dragon is a senior to the Fire Dragon and has kids), though I'm not sure if that still counts now they've been transformed. Pegasus, the Forest Giant, Lélé, Jahne, Panchi are all going to be dead. Hanazono No Utahime would reach maturity, but is also of an unaging species so she'd still be around too.
Which of their newly aquired allies from the first series would still live depends on whom you decide on. Which of them would be useful to have as allies in the third story?
Follow-up emails.
Me:
[19] Will likely decide the other Knights' preferred elements and realms through die rolls or something similar. Not familiar enough with monsters that never appeared in the anime, so I might need your help with that.
[20] I see. Not sure who it would be that makes the prophecies, but the Knights definitely will meet them.
[21] Kahimi will definitely have something for the Knights when the new quest begins.
[22] That idea was inspired from that mindscape scene from Soul's Window, in which it seemed Reda created the scene from Rokuna's past when, just moments earlier, they were on a desolate beach, and was asking her what she would have done if she had her sixth sense when she was little. I assumed he was setting that up, but maybe it was just the mindscape itself doing that.[28]
On that note, Jake did suggest that "for all of the friendly behavior [Drake] has, he thinks they simply can't keep up and it might as well be his duty to do things on his own, alone - so Redda basically tries to make him abandon everyone to their fates and not help them out."
[23] Bullying was probably what I meant. She probably wouldn't mention it, but Rokuna might be able to perceive it and speak to her about it.
[24] Most likely, he just wanted anything that could cause as much damage as possible.
[25] For the record, I was planning on having everyone on both core teams be alive by the end of the fic. However, if circumstances at any point demand it, I could let someone on either side just die.[29]
[26] Once the battle against Warp is over, the worlds will then be linked, and that will be that for the time being.
Overall, yes, I will definitely consider everything else that you've mentioned.
Onto the next part:
[27] Well, if the bio-demon outbreaks coincided mostly with the appearances of either bin Laden or Takeshi, then that (among other possibilities) might mean that they are linked.[30]
Other than that, not much to say about it. Most of what you've said goes to cement it further that that part of the ficseries seriously needs to be replanned. Certain things later on do rely on stuff going on here in order to happen, but I'm sure we can brainstorm to negotiate those.
Rebirth is for anyone who was important for the space-time continuum to continue, whether or not they became evil later (as had bin Laden). Certain characters such as Beginner and Luke, although they would still die before rebirth, would be reborn, because they are the ones who contacted the godspirits about the crisis Reda was posing, or something along those lines.
The point of part III is that, even though travel between the two worlds is still possible, both worlds have indeed gone to hell and are not likely to recover before civilization, life itself, and eventually, existence itself, all goes out, all thanks to the former existence of Nickelodeon and Al Qaida by Osama bin Laden. Those two entities are what need to be removed from the equation in order for a better timeline to exist.
Will have complete summaries of parts III and IV later.
Chelle:
[28] That was a product of Rokuna's mind, with the Reda figure somewhat based on a subconscious psychic blueprint she 'read' of him while in his castle. The actual Reda wasn't there and didn't create anything; no afterlife in Seven Gates. All the weird stuff during that scene was Rokuna's subconscious.
[29] Even better. It's not necessary that they outright kill any villains for the story, since the kids would probably be reluctant to do that anyway (killing others isn't natural for humans).
[30] I was talking about this: "a connection between Nickelodeon and Al Qaeda, due to bin Laden’s abominations vaguely resembling characters ...". For all they know he hired someone to create the monsters who happens to be a fan. Concluding Nickelodeon itself is the source on nothing more than a vague resemblance is like concluding that because the swastika was used by Nazi, the Nazi party must have originated in ancient India thousands of years ago.
About rebirth, do the characters at some point regain the memories of their past life?