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dmxratedContinued from my previous post:
Part III
Me:
Inspiration: E Revolution
100 years after the Mon Colle Knights, Professor Ichirobei Hiragi, Professor David McKnight, and others important to the space-time continuum have been reborn. However, both worlds have gone to hell, fighting a losing war against eldritch abominations known as Giygas, ever since the Giygas Crystals escaped the chamber they were once sealed in and shattered. Only the Time Crystal remains intact, safe with McKnight. Their own homes gone, the Knights and their associates now reside in a spacebound base known as Spacequarters.[1]
Not sure what will go on for most of the fic[2], but at some point, Spacequarters will also become home to a division of CONTRA, led by Commander Julius Maxwell, his grandson Ashura, and a reprogrammed Alpha/Hitomi. Most of the time, both factions are on the same side, fighting against Giygas. However, there is something Maxwell wants (which might be the Time Crystal), and after the Knights refuse to give this to him, he then resorts to placing Rokuna inside a machine which he had some of his men build for him. The Supporting Knights, Ichirobei, and McKnight are in bondage as they are forced to watch until either they tell him or Rokuna is shot towards the sun inside a capsule. Maxwell himself carries a sedated Mondo into the chamber to show him exactly what her situation is, and that he’ll be next if they don’t comply with him, but is then ambushed by both Ashura and Hitomi, who had both been loyal to him up until that point. Hitomi opens the cell that Rokuna is in, and Ashura kicks Maxwell inside one of his own death cells and sets him up for the same fate.
Afterwards, they free their allies, and then fight through Maxwell’s soldiers as they flee Spacequarters and return to wherever the Giygas Tomb is located. Upon reaching the planet’s surface, this is where some of the Knights battle Eight-Bit, while others (including Kasumi) enter the tomb and look for the chamber it was once sealed in.
In order to create a better timeline, what would have happened, was that Kasumi would thrust the Time Sword into the wall, to align with both the Time Crystal (which McKnight would hold in place) and the original position of the Giygaslayer’s eye, never to be retrieved. This would ensure that in all timelines, the Giygaslayer would become crystallized with bin Laden inside, so that he doesn’t take any of the Giygas Crystals for himself, while the Time Crystal in place would ensure that the beam of infinite energy doesn’t reach any further than it has to and cause further damage. (This part would have relied on Kasumi’s nightstick becoming the Time Sword while she and the other Knights were inside the Nickelodeon base, and the Time Sword Blaster spell being used to crystallize the Giygaslayer and cause it to shatter.)[3]
Chelle:
[1] Spacequarters is a considerably underwhelming name for what would essentially be a colony, completely with biodomes.
[2] Plenty to do. Saving civilians (given how big some monsters can be, that'll be extra tricky), fighting to get food safely to the colony, obtaining material, warding off invasions, keeping the peace inside.
Ideally, have more than one colony, linked with unstable gates (perhaps there's not enough magic energy to go around) to explain why the stuff you end up describing next could ever come to transpire (monsters with the power to ward off anything sedative or fire controller for example could easily do something about sedation and bonds even if the Knights somehow got surprised, not to mention teleportation in itself).
[3] Why no mention of Oroboros? It's the freaking ruler of the time realm and holds the supreme power over it, how can it not be even referred to? Also, why wouldn't it have done something to get a better outcome by default, given that a time tampering mcguffin is in play? In the anime, Leprechaun is jumping around and putting all the pieces in the right place. There would at least be something that demonstrates the time realm does something, even if they can't leave their world.
Part IV
Me:
Taking place years after part I, everything has been changed for the better, without Nickelodeon in existence. Not sure what would lead up to it, but this is the fic where Mondo would have his senses messed up, after he and his fellow Knights fight against at least one shoggoth. It is up to Rokuna to help him recuperate from this, although considering that McKnight also has an active sixth sense, I’m not sure why he wouldn’t be able to help him as well, or whether or not that would even be true.[4]
During this time, though, he receives visits from someone who asks him to call her Kaede, who he perceives as beautiful, and thus provides him relief while he sees everyone else around him as shoggoth and all his surroundings as covered in blood and tentacles and whatnot.
During one of her visits, she reveals that, before the events leading up to the wars between the Holy and Demon Realms of Mon World, her people at the time were some of the most advanced in science, philosophy, and many other fields. The rest of the world debated endlessly on who should receive what share of everything they had, until deciding that there was no truly fair way to distribute it all, at which point they employed Judgment to simply destroy everything.[5]
Those that were left of her race had later on, through unknown means, become the creatures that people now refer to as shoggoth. From there, she and Warp made some kind of pact, which is what led him to his former state of insanity, which in turn is what led to the war between saints and demons.[6]
While she discloses all this, Mondo cannot help but remember the battle he and all his allies had against Judgment, after Warp and Reda were both on the loose.
Later on still, the Knights catch wind of Mondo’s involvement with who Kaede really is, which is the Chaos goddess Pfizgiy, and immediately take to relocating him. They speak to him about who he was really dealing with, and Rokuna, needless to say, is pissed about her trying to steal Mondo away from her.[7]
McKnight is enraged as well, about her assuming the name and form of his deceased wife. Mondo, however, assures Rokuna that he never did anything intimate with Pfizgiy, and to drive the point home even further, Pfizgiy even assures her the same thing when she finds them again, and that she respects the relationship she and Mondo have together. However, she does admit to having still had an ulterior motive involving him, for strategic purpose involving something to be known as the Dimension Reaper, but then Mondo had become something of a morality pet for her instead. Up until then, she had only known hatred for the eons since the destruction of her race, but had slowly started to gain a heart during her time with him, and saw him more as a son-figure than anything else.[8]
So, who brought Pfizgiy back into existence in this timeline? None other than an evil scientist named Daniel van Slyke, but only after the time when the 9/11 attacks took place. In the original timeline, he was killed inside the World Trade Center, but in this timeline, he somehow found out about the Giygas Crystals at some later point, took to tinkering with them.
Until then, he was just one of the staff (if not the owner) of a Residential Treatment Facility in Canada, one of many places where children and teenagers are enrolled by their parents, who believe that their children will get the help they need, but are actually subject to all kinds of horrific experiences.
Learning about his business shocks everyone, but especially Rokuna (who one time could have suffered the same fate as many children here had suffered since Pfizgiy’s revival), Kasumi (who was enrolled when she was younger, though later rescued by her parents, thanks to her father’s then activated sixth sense, though her mother was killed in the ordeal), and Rachael (after learning that her orphanage mother, Amelia[Oh god, why did I choose something so obvious for her... Chelle, please don't specify it in any comments, okay?] , was also in cahoots with this guy and would pawn kids to him for cash every now and then).
So, why isn’t he in jail? McKnight, in fact, had prosecuted him, and wasn’t even the first to do so, but the courts consistently acquitted him in exchange for bribes.[9]
Van Slyke himself even explains that, for all kids are taught that the United States of America is the best country in the world to live in for most of their pre-college education, the federal government and all levels of government below it are full of corrupt people. America only has one of the better human rights records in either world, and other countries up there, such as Japan and the United Kingdom, are not much different.
This is the reason why McKnight had founded the Cult of Mon Colle: To create a fighting force in order to help him get revenge on van Slyke and his cohorts, as well as to take on the rest of the Teen Help Industry.[10]
The Light goddess Gasejo gave him his sixth sense, and the powers that he has and in turn gave to Mondo, Rokuna, and ten other children, in order to gain his help in saving humanity in general. It was a contract of mutual benefit.[11]
Originally, van Slyke was just a pedophile and had no standards when experimenting with children. Come his revival of Pfizgiy, she informs him of her plans of creating the Dimension Reaper and mutating all living things to become one with it, and the thought of it all piques his curiosity as to what the worlds would look like once they are terraformed. From this, some children at his mercy, after being turned into shoggoth, are then given a more refined form to become agents of the D-Reaper.[12]
Pfizgiy recognizes that their personalities are incompatible, but since Mondo had been kind to her, she postpones her plans on launching the D-Reaper, promising not to do so until both he and Rokuna are dead, and also only to kill them when they are together, so that neither of them has to live with the grief of their most intimate friend being dead.[13]
This indicates that there might be some good in her, that she might be able to let go of the past.[14]
Even though Mondo would certainly call her out for her involvement with a complete monster, I would like to create a scenario in which he at least understands why she’s evil, and can sympathize with her. (TV Tropes: Woobie Destroyer of Worlds/Sympathy for the Devil). Amelia would be ambiguous whether she’d be redeemable or not, but it will be made clear that van Slyke is very much beyond redemption and will be treated as such in-universe, having no Freudian excuse for any of his actions and does everything he does all for a cheap thrill. Even though Pfizgiy makes no bones about harming children (since she already plans to mutate all living things in the end anyway), van Slyke targets kids in particular; they were all his idea. Pfizgiy would have settled for anyone to experiment with, and has no intention to kill or even betray van Slyke, because unlike Zaha and Reda, they both regard each other as equals, even though she is much more powerful.[15]
And of course, like you once said a few years ago, people cannot redeem others with simple words like “Find it in your heart to forgive.” It was only until Reda backstabbed him, he suffered a traumatic event all over again, and Shiru explained to him what happened and cleared the lies up that Reda previously fed him, did Zaha have any remorse for everything he did.[16]
That said, Mondo’s impact on Pfizgiy had begun to bring out the good in her, but it wasn’t enough.[17]
The trauma of seeing her former race destroyed was just too much to forgive, and after much hesitation, she goes through with it anyway, though still intending to make sure that he and Rokuna are together before she kills them.[18]
The D-Reaper is launched in New York City, so as to gain enough power in Man World first, before conquering Mon World, so that even the Saint Star Dragon would be powerless against it.[19]
Not sure why yet, but only the Knights will be able to enter it unharmed by the reaper itself, though they will still have to fight through its agents, before fighting Pfizgiy herself as giants.
After Pfizgiy is defeated, Derek casts Final Ripple to destroy the D-Reaper in its entirety.
Now that their mission is accomplished, Mondo calls the gods out for not having done anything when Pfizgiy’s race was being persecuted, which they own up to.[20]
And what about van Slyke? McKnight killed him earlier on. On-page, actually.
Epilogue:
Now that their final mission is complete, McKnight enters the field of politics in hopes of reforming the Teen Help industry and eliminating abusive programs. Eventually, he becomes the President of the United States, and uses his position to accomplish that once and for all.
The Cult is inherited by Mondo and Rokuna, who will eventually appoint a new generation of Knights. Meanwhile, all of the Knights still strive for peace and justice in both worlds.[21]
Chelle:
[4] Yeah, he would probably help out, but might leave the majority of this to Rokuna. Perhaps so that at least one person will have their senses clear to be on the lookout for the surrounding world (Rokuna perceiving how Mondo sees the world and feels about it would be distracting to say the least).
[5] Huh?
I have no idea how this could possibly be logical in any way.
Problem 1. Why are other nations debating over getting a share of technology? Technology can be copied. Philosophy can be spread by reading it from its source and telling it onward.
Problem 2. Why are other nations debating over getting a share of a kingdom that hasn't even fallen?
Problem 3. Why don't they just try trading or something else? Send in a few travelers, strike some allegiances. Normally people are smart enough to know nations are built by other people and will try to approach them as people.
Problem 4. I can't even begin to describe the epically illogical idea that all those separated nations suddenly agree with each other to do the exact opposite of what they wanted for absolutely no reason!
No, them deciding "can't be fairly distributed" isn't a reason.
Imagine you're starving and have eaten nothing but garbadge for three weeks, and suddenly you and your family are represented with a bowl of different sorts of fruits. Since you're also lacking a knife to divide it equally and the fruits have different shapes, do you decide to just throw away all the fruit? No.
Why do they need to destroy it?
Nowhere in our history did we ever see nations reach such ridiculous ideas. Oh, we can't be fair about oil prices. Let's get rid of cars altogether and blow up all oil. Oh, it's really unfair we have clean drinking water third world countries don't, and we can't fairly distribute that so let's just blow it up.
This cheapens war. If they're gonna attack that kingdom, make it for a real reason.[22]
[6] Why unknown reasons? This has some seriously unfortunate implications, since it looks like you're pasting on ugliness cause that's required for these villains. "Look, these bad people didn't let go of the vengeful feelings and now they're ugly monsters."
Try at least making the reasons they're like this related to the events that destroyed them.
Also, nothing in this explains why Warp, when going insane, would only send his people after the saints when his actual plan is to wreck the entire world.[23] The Japanese version explicitly mentions that the demons (before Reda started his plot and took Kharon's throne) never were interested in world domination. Not to mention that you previously established that Warp has no issues with employing holy monsters himself.[24]
Suggestions : Judgment is a bionic monsters, perhaps aside of blowing up crap, it also released some sort of biological weapon which gradually wiped out the nation (explosions to cut off transport and teleportation gates and armies, bio weapons to ensure civilian death without risking destruction of the tech they want). It would make a lot more sense than destroy the technology that those other nations craved. Then Pfizgiy's people could be forced to mutate their own bodies with their technology to survive, and when they realize they can't really win back their kingdom because of Judgment and the enemies backing it up, they decide to destroy their legacy and flee.
About the nations, why not have it be only one country, or one faction that summons judgment? (Dunno whether you're keeping Judgment's summoning ritual, but if you do, summoning it only requires the right spellcasters, six elemental items and a green wind songstress, so it doesn't need an entire coalition of nations behind it. One powerhungry government/ruler with the right tools is enough).[25]
[7] While she would indeed be pissed at the idea of someone stealing him, she'd probably be even more pissed that Mondo is being mindraped.
[8] Any chance you can give that thing a name that isn't copyright infringement?[26]
[9] Bribing the court isn't that easy, actually. For one thing, not all judges are equally corrupt, nor are all juries full of evil idiots. Plus, the press notices if a criminal is constantly passed over. Ensuring that there isn't enough evidence, or discrediting evidence already gathered is much more effective. In that case, the bribes go to witnesses, who may or may not have been threatened as well.
[10] Contradiction with your own material : the entire first fic demonstrates he started it for generally good reasons, rather than revenge.[27]
[11] Teen Help seems to be an existing organization. Did you know you can get sued for slander if you write a fic about them being evil masterminds founded by a child abuser?[28]
Also, you suddenly say that McKnight gave Rokuna her sixth sense. That contradicts canon, where Rokuna isn't given the sixth sense by McKnight, it is given upon her arrival in the six gates world.[29]
[12] Speaking of turning people into monsters, what will their fate be? Pfizgiy herself proves that turning into a monsters doesn't degrade one's sanity, and even if these versions do, they once were people and still will have remnants of their minds. How is that going to be for the heroes, knowing that most of the cannon fodder are innocent, unknowing victims?[30]
[13] But you said that the d-reaper transforms the world, not kills it.[31]
[14] What about the rest of her people, who haven't be revived/summoned/whatever?[32]
[15] Why do they regard each other as equals?[33]
[16] You're treating the words redemption and remorse as synonyms when they aren't.
Remorse = regret caused by realization of guilt. Zaha had this the entire time, but he couldn't see a way out of his situation so he tried ignoring it by focussing on hating people.
Redemption = in literary terms, the author depicting a character as having changed their former ways.
Unlike redemption, which is an complete change of state, an emotion like remorse can be triggered by small events, or even the right people saying the right things. Whether a character acts on it depends on the circumstances and nature of what drove them to evil.
(Sucky authors do redemption without remorse or think it can only be done by killing the character.)
[17] While I like this idea cause it ups the tragedy, it does need to be credible. What exactly about Mondo is it that brought out her kinder side?[34]
[18] If she knows there is an afterlife, she might even consider that she's doing the world a favor by ridding them of their bodies.[35]
That said, who exactly is it that she can't forgive? The gods? Non existent faceless people?[36]
[19] If the worlds are linked, they can just summon everything they need to the human world.
[20] Why exactly didn't they do anything? Tacking this on without giving a good explanation doesn't change to so far, you've characterized them as benevolent helpers, yet then decided they didn't do anything because the plot demanded it, no reason given. This is exactly the problem I have with [Genesis of an Adventure].[37]
Also, if Pfizgiy is the only one brought back into existence, then what about the others of her people? Any chance they'll get a better fate than whatever hellish afterlife they're stuck in? (Cause if the afterlife was anything heavenly for them, then Pfizgiy would have no reason to do what she does).[38]
[21] No romantic resolution for Mondo and Rokuna? Given that by this point, they've got like two decades of life behind them and all the memory of another hundred years in the afterlife, thus rendering them mentally like 120, wouldn't it be about time they finally tie the knot?
Follow-up emails.
Me:
[22] Given that whole explanation, you might be interested in sporking the Sonic fic Egregious Exile, because that's where I got the idea from:[39]
"Uh… You know about the Ambrosians, right? I don't know if they cover it in school…"
Amy shrugged. "I thought Ambrosia was just an empty continent. But I never listened in school anyway, so I wouldn't really know."
Sonic chuckled. "Can't blame you. I myself hardly even went to school… When the war was over I enrolled again but I couldn't sit still, so I skipped class most of the time. But I'm getting off topic… Right, Ambrosian civilization has been extinct for a couple generations now," Sonic explained. "They had migrated to the north thousands of years ago and survived through the centuries in small numbers. Their lives were devoted to science and philosophy, according to the old ways… whatever that means. But when they were found out about 200 years ago, their knowledge and civilization, which had become some kind of utopia, became wanted. Rumor had it that they possessed at lot of ancient scrolls… You know, from Antiquity. Supposedly they'd retrieved it when the ancient empires fell, and it's the reason these scrolls were lost all of these years. Long story short, when none of the different countries could agree on how to share the Ambrosians' knowledge, the monarchies bombed Ambrosia and extinguished its people."
Amy opened her mouth in shock. "But… They were all killed? All the other countries just ganged up on them?"
Sonic made a gesture to nuance Amy's point. "Not exactly. All the different powers were at war with each other. They just wiped out the Ambrosians to make sure none of their rivals could, uh… retrieve the loot."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3355820/3/Egregious_Exile
Still, in real life, there was also that era in history when all the different countries in Europe did decide who should be allowed to conquer what countries in Africa, without any regard for those countries' rights to self-government.[40]
[23] He didn't. The demons took it upon themselves to wage war against the saints, after their god was imprisoned.[41] Warp wanted to be set free first, which was why he employed first Reda (who instead used the powers he entrusted to him to try to do what he does in canon), and then the twelve-member coalition, which actually does their job and includes monsters of all elements, including Holy.
[24] That would mean that the villain team in part I is gonna need a different goal from what they currently have.[42]
[25] Could go with that, sure.
[26] Not sure why copyright infringement would be a problem now, when 1) that's exactly what fanfiction does by definition,[43] and 2) I would disclaim it as my own entity and am not making money off of anything.[44] By that logic, we'd have to change the names of all canon characters, not to mention Nickelodeon and Giygas (the latter which was originally the Big Bad's name in Earthbound, but was something else entirely in E Revolution), which has never been the case. I even remember you advising me, regarding the Molebear Brothers after I determined their species, that I just give credit to whoever owns the rights to the game franchise the species canonically belongs to.
Not that it's any big deal, but would you mind at least explaining to me what the difference is?
[27] This was his own motivation to start the cult, after Gasejo granted him the powers he has in exchange for his services to Mon World. Though, you might be right. If that was his main goal, then chances are, he should have sent his fighting force after van Slyke even before Pfizgiy could make a comeback, given how many years he had even before the 9/11 attacks took place.
[28] Well, at least from a good amount of what I've read for a while, that seems to be true enough. Take a look at this website to start:
http://www.heal-online.org/
Plus, unless the difference is that the events of part III are obviously impossible, then I guess I shouldn't be writing anything relating Nickelodeon to Osama bin Laden.[45]
[29] What I meant, was that Gasejo activated his sixth sense and his superhuman powers and abilities such as Speed, Strength, Healing, etc. The latter is what he gives to the Knights when the ritual begins.
[30] Pfizgiy still has control over them when she wants them to fight. Obviously, this would not bode well with the Knights.
[31] Well, it doesn't kill people outright, but still...
[32] She probably would have revived or summoned them already.
[33] Even though Pfizgiy is a much more powerful being, she is grateful to van Slyke for helping her return to life. She does not believe in You Have Outlived Your Usefulness, and over time, they come to love each other romantically.[46]
[34] Mondo befriended her when she came into his life, and unlike with van Slyke, none of their interactions involved harming children or plotting the end of the world as we know it. Mondo shared stuff about his personal life, and did things together with her that weren't evil. (In other words, Have You Ever Tried Not Being Evil?)[47]
[35] You said yourself before that there is no afterlife in Rokumonverse. Unless you're referring to the *second* life that certain people are born to 100 years after birth, which is in the same plane of existence.[48]
[36]The gods, for having done nothing, and everyone who was actively involved in decimating her race and her homeland.[49]
[37] That was the mistake they had since learned from, and where they promised since to actively intervene in times of crisis instead of allowing things to unfold themselves.[50]
[38] Only Pfizgiy was previously dead. The rest of the shoggoth had been most likely in hiding somewhere or other the whole time.
Overall, most of what you've commented goes to show that this whole ficseries is probably best written over from scratch.
Back in 2004, only two years after the anime aired here, there were only gonna be two parts, and I had no idea what was going to happen, except for Nickelodeon being involved in part II. I wasn't familiar enough with most of the monsters to decide what their roles would be. Didn't help either that the dub changed so much things from canon, and even when I got the Japanese DVDs a year later, no subtitles means that I could only know what was being shown, not all the finer details.
Furthermore, while I still am interested in having an ensemble of twelve kids, each with a unique weapon and respective element, most of what I established plotwise basically isn't gonna work. Would like to write at least one fic for Mon Colle Knights,[51] but right now, I'm also much more interested in writing Parasitic Trio than I am in writing Monster Collection Chronicles.[52] If you'd like to help me rethink everything, your ideas are more than welcome.
Chelle:
[39] Maybe if I get back to sporking again, but right now I've got plenty of fuel.
[40] 1. Africa was not technologically advanced and did not possess anything that could ward off people. Nothing in conquering Africa would make one country a threat to another, unlike when say, one person gets the weapon tech and another the cook tech. Africa is not comparable to the pre-shoggoth civilization.
2. I'm pretty sure nobody blew up all of Africa when they disagreed about how to do that. They just argued and conquered.
Your example of how the shoggoths came is be is like saying that the various unrelated people in Africa all decided that because they couldn't have America and Europe, they would have to blow it up those continents.
[41] But why? Why would they do that when they know it's the five gods who sealed Warp and the angels had nothing to do with it, nor would defeating the angels contribute in any way to their god being unsealed?
[42] Not necessarily, since your villains are a small religious group that doesn't represent the demons as a whole, and their goal just is to free their god and have him run things.
[43] No, Fair Use is in play. Ever noticed that ff.net has a few authors who asked them to not host fanfic based on their work? If you don't see the owners of a franchise/story listed there, they most likely consider fanfiction to fall squarely under Fair Use.
[44] It's kinda funky how ff.net works about it, but someone did in fact once get banned for plagiarism over small word use, so it's best to play safe. Since the name of the item isn't all that relevant to the plot, why not just play it safe and make it a homage? Granted, not likely to happen.
[45] Remember how I told you that ff.net forbids fanfiction based on real people? That's cause people can and will sue when they don't like what they read about themselves. It's also likely to cause epic backlash if anyone ever reads it through, cause the shows airing on Nick don't remotely resemble what Islamic propaganda would look like (for starts, how many female Nick characters have their hair exposed?)
[46] But why? Gratefulness isn't the same as the sort of admiration that would lead such a powerful creature to regard someone as equal. Feeling like equals is usually something like sharing strength, intelligence or ideals/beliefs.
[47] If this involves her remembering how her life was before disaster struck, it could work.
[48] We were talking about my fics. As for canon all I did was point out that revival spells would render everything moot. You already established your world does have an afterlife and since they get reborn, there obviously is something that keeps existing after death to be reborn.
[49] Then why is she targeting the world, who were not involved? There'd need to be at least some desire for power involved.
[50]If they learned from that, then how come they left the rest of those shoggoths live in misery, instead of reintegrating them into the world? Their own powers might have been occupied elsewhere (keeping Warp sealed), but again, if Gasejo can visit McKnight and bless him, then she could also visit anyone of her servants and say, "hey, there's some miserable monsters there in desperate need of healing".
[51] Actually, the first fic has a solid frame now and the third is also a workable concept. I wouldn't suggest getting rid of that. If aiming for one at least, just focus on the first first.
[52] Then go ahead with that, it's best to focus on what you have an interest in, since that'll be where inspiration goes.
-----
(Last time I asked, not too long ago, Chelle said that she was still not up for brainstorming a new outline for Part I, which is what was since replanned as its own fic.)
Part III
Me:
Inspiration: E Revolution
100 years after the Mon Colle Knights, Professor Ichirobei Hiragi, Professor David McKnight, and others important to the space-time continuum have been reborn. However, both worlds have gone to hell, fighting a losing war against eldritch abominations known as Giygas, ever since the Giygas Crystals escaped the chamber they were once sealed in and shattered. Only the Time Crystal remains intact, safe with McKnight. Their own homes gone, the Knights and their associates now reside in a spacebound base known as Spacequarters.[1]
Not sure what will go on for most of the fic[2], but at some point, Spacequarters will also become home to a division of CONTRA, led by Commander Julius Maxwell, his grandson Ashura, and a reprogrammed Alpha/Hitomi. Most of the time, both factions are on the same side, fighting against Giygas. However, there is something Maxwell wants (which might be the Time Crystal), and after the Knights refuse to give this to him, he then resorts to placing Rokuna inside a machine which he had some of his men build for him. The Supporting Knights, Ichirobei, and McKnight are in bondage as they are forced to watch until either they tell him or Rokuna is shot towards the sun inside a capsule. Maxwell himself carries a sedated Mondo into the chamber to show him exactly what her situation is, and that he’ll be next if they don’t comply with him, but is then ambushed by both Ashura and Hitomi, who had both been loyal to him up until that point. Hitomi opens the cell that Rokuna is in, and Ashura kicks Maxwell inside one of his own death cells and sets him up for the same fate.
Afterwards, they free their allies, and then fight through Maxwell’s soldiers as they flee Spacequarters and return to wherever the Giygas Tomb is located. Upon reaching the planet’s surface, this is where some of the Knights battle Eight-Bit, while others (including Kasumi) enter the tomb and look for the chamber it was once sealed in.
In order to create a better timeline, what would have happened, was that Kasumi would thrust the Time Sword into the wall, to align with both the Time Crystal (which McKnight would hold in place) and the original position of the Giygaslayer’s eye, never to be retrieved. This would ensure that in all timelines, the Giygaslayer would become crystallized with bin Laden inside, so that he doesn’t take any of the Giygas Crystals for himself, while the Time Crystal in place would ensure that the beam of infinite energy doesn’t reach any further than it has to and cause further damage. (This part would have relied on Kasumi’s nightstick becoming the Time Sword while she and the other Knights were inside the Nickelodeon base, and the Time Sword Blaster spell being used to crystallize the Giygaslayer and cause it to shatter.)[3]
Chelle:
[1] Spacequarters is a considerably underwhelming name for what would essentially be a colony, completely with biodomes.
[2] Plenty to do. Saving civilians (given how big some monsters can be, that'll be extra tricky), fighting to get food safely to the colony, obtaining material, warding off invasions, keeping the peace inside.
Ideally, have more than one colony, linked with unstable gates (perhaps there's not enough magic energy to go around) to explain why the stuff you end up describing next could ever come to transpire (monsters with the power to ward off anything sedative or fire controller for example could easily do something about sedation and bonds even if the Knights somehow got surprised, not to mention teleportation in itself).
[3] Why no mention of Oroboros? It's the freaking ruler of the time realm and holds the supreme power over it, how can it not be even referred to? Also, why wouldn't it have done something to get a better outcome by default, given that a time tampering mcguffin is in play? In the anime, Leprechaun is jumping around and putting all the pieces in the right place. There would at least be something that demonstrates the time realm does something, even if they can't leave their world.
Part IV
Me:
Taking place years after part I, everything has been changed for the better, without Nickelodeon in existence. Not sure what would lead up to it, but this is the fic where Mondo would have his senses messed up, after he and his fellow Knights fight against at least one shoggoth. It is up to Rokuna to help him recuperate from this, although considering that McKnight also has an active sixth sense, I’m not sure why he wouldn’t be able to help him as well, or whether or not that would even be true.[4]
During this time, though, he receives visits from someone who asks him to call her Kaede, who he perceives as beautiful, and thus provides him relief while he sees everyone else around him as shoggoth and all his surroundings as covered in blood and tentacles and whatnot.
During one of her visits, she reveals that, before the events leading up to the wars between the Holy and Demon Realms of Mon World, her people at the time were some of the most advanced in science, philosophy, and many other fields. The rest of the world debated endlessly on who should receive what share of everything they had, until deciding that there was no truly fair way to distribute it all, at which point they employed Judgment to simply destroy everything.[5]
Those that were left of her race had later on, through unknown means, become the creatures that people now refer to as shoggoth. From there, she and Warp made some kind of pact, which is what led him to his former state of insanity, which in turn is what led to the war between saints and demons.[6]
While she discloses all this, Mondo cannot help but remember the battle he and all his allies had against Judgment, after Warp and Reda were both on the loose.
Later on still, the Knights catch wind of Mondo’s involvement with who Kaede really is, which is the Chaos goddess Pfizgiy, and immediately take to relocating him. They speak to him about who he was really dealing with, and Rokuna, needless to say, is pissed about her trying to steal Mondo away from her.[7]
McKnight is enraged as well, about her assuming the name and form of his deceased wife. Mondo, however, assures Rokuna that he never did anything intimate with Pfizgiy, and to drive the point home even further, Pfizgiy even assures her the same thing when she finds them again, and that she respects the relationship she and Mondo have together. However, she does admit to having still had an ulterior motive involving him, for strategic purpose involving something to be known as the Dimension Reaper, but then Mondo had become something of a morality pet for her instead. Up until then, she had only known hatred for the eons since the destruction of her race, but had slowly started to gain a heart during her time with him, and saw him more as a son-figure than anything else.[8]
So, who brought Pfizgiy back into existence in this timeline? None other than an evil scientist named Daniel van Slyke, but only after the time when the 9/11 attacks took place. In the original timeline, he was killed inside the World Trade Center, but in this timeline, he somehow found out about the Giygas Crystals at some later point, took to tinkering with them.
Until then, he was just one of the staff (if not the owner) of a Residential Treatment Facility in Canada, one of many places where children and teenagers are enrolled by their parents, who believe that their children will get the help they need, but are actually subject to all kinds of horrific experiences.
Learning about his business shocks everyone, but especially Rokuna (who one time could have suffered the same fate as many children here had suffered since Pfizgiy’s revival), Kasumi (who was enrolled when she was younger, though later rescued by her parents, thanks to her father’s then activated sixth sense, though her mother was killed in the ordeal), and Rachael (after learning that her orphanage mother, Amelia[Oh god, why did I choose something so obvious for her... Chelle, please don't specify it in any comments, okay?] , was also in cahoots with this guy and would pawn kids to him for cash every now and then).
So, why isn’t he in jail? McKnight, in fact, had prosecuted him, and wasn’t even the first to do so, but the courts consistently acquitted him in exchange for bribes.[9]
Van Slyke himself even explains that, for all kids are taught that the United States of America is the best country in the world to live in for most of their pre-college education, the federal government and all levels of government below it are full of corrupt people. America only has one of the better human rights records in either world, and other countries up there, such as Japan and the United Kingdom, are not much different.
This is the reason why McKnight had founded the Cult of Mon Colle: To create a fighting force in order to help him get revenge on van Slyke and his cohorts, as well as to take on the rest of the Teen Help Industry.[10]
The Light goddess Gasejo gave him his sixth sense, and the powers that he has and in turn gave to Mondo, Rokuna, and ten other children, in order to gain his help in saving humanity in general. It was a contract of mutual benefit.[11]
Originally, van Slyke was just a pedophile and had no standards when experimenting with children. Come his revival of Pfizgiy, she informs him of her plans of creating the Dimension Reaper and mutating all living things to become one with it, and the thought of it all piques his curiosity as to what the worlds would look like once they are terraformed. From this, some children at his mercy, after being turned into shoggoth, are then given a more refined form to become agents of the D-Reaper.[12]
Pfizgiy recognizes that their personalities are incompatible, but since Mondo had been kind to her, she postpones her plans on launching the D-Reaper, promising not to do so until both he and Rokuna are dead, and also only to kill them when they are together, so that neither of them has to live with the grief of their most intimate friend being dead.[13]
This indicates that there might be some good in her, that she might be able to let go of the past.[14]
Even though Mondo would certainly call her out for her involvement with a complete monster, I would like to create a scenario in which he at least understands why she’s evil, and can sympathize with her. (TV Tropes: Woobie Destroyer of Worlds/Sympathy for the Devil). Amelia would be ambiguous whether she’d be redeemable or not, but it will be made clear that van Slyke is very much beyond redemption and will be treated as such in-universe, having no Freudian excuse for any of his actions and does everything he does all for a cheap thrill. Even though Pfizgiy makes no bones about harming children (since she already plans to mutate all living things in the end anyway), van Slyke targets kids in particular; they were all his idea. Pfizgiy would have settled for anyone to experiment with, and has no intention to kill or even betray van Slyke, because unlike Zaha and Reda, they both regard each other as equals, even though she is much more powerful.[15]
And of course, like you once said a few years ago, people cannot redeem others with simple words like “Find it in your heart to forgive.” It was only until Reda backstabbed him, he suffered a traumatic event all over again, and Shiru explained to him what happened and cleared the lies up that Reda previously fed him, did Zaha have any remorse for everything he did.[16]
That said, Mondo’s impact on Pfizgiy had begun to bring out the good in her, but it wasn’t enough.[17]
The trauma of seeing her former race destroyed was just too much to forgive, and after much hesitation, she goes through with it anyway, though still intending to make sure that he and Rokuna are together before she kills them.[18]
The D-Reaper is launched in New York City, so as to gain enough power in Man World first, before conquering Mon World, so that even the Saint Star Dragon would be powerless against it.[19]
Not sure why yet, but only the Knights will be able to enter it unharmed by the reaper itself, though they will still have to fight through its agents, before fighting Pfizgiy herself as giants.
After Pfizgiy is defeated, Derek casts Final Ripple to destroy the D-Reaper in its entirety.
Now that their mission is accomplished, Mondo calls the gods out for not having done anything when Pfizgiy’s race was being persecuted, which they own up to.[20]
And what about van Slyke? McKnight killed him earlier on. On-page, actually.
Epilogue:
Now that their final mission is complete, McKnight enters the field of politics in hopes of reforming the Teen Help industry and eliminating abusive programs. Eventually, he becomes the President of the United States, and uses his position to accomplish that once and for all.
The Cult is inherited by Mondo and Rokuna, who will eventually appoint a new generation of Knights. Meanwhile, all of the Knights still strive for peace and justice in both worlds.[21]
Chelle:
[4] Yeah, he would probably help out, but might leave the majority of this to Rokuna. Perhaps so that at least one person will have their senses clear to be on the lookout for the surrounding world (Rokuna perceiving how Mondo sees the world and feels about it would be distracting to say the least).
[5] Huh?
I have no idea how this could possibly be logical in any way.
Problem 1. Why are other nations debating over getting a share of technology? Technology can be copied. Philosophy can be spread by reading it from its source and telling it onward.
Problem 2. Why are other nations debating over getting a share of a kingdom that hasn't even fallen?
Problem 3. Why don't they just try trading or something else? Send in a few travelers, strike some allegiances. Normally people are smart enough to know nations are built by other people and will try to approach them as people.
Problem 4. I can't even begin to describe the epically illogical idea that all those separated nations suddenly agree with each other to do the exact opposite of what they wanted for absolutely no reason!
No, them deciding "can't be fairly distributed" isn't a reason.
Imagine you're starving and have eaten nothing but garbadge for three weeks, and suddenly you and your family are represented with a bowl of different sorts of fruits. Since you're also lacking a knife to divide it equally and the fruits have different shapes, do you decide to just throw away all the fruit? No.
Why do they need to destroy it?
Nowhere in our history did we ever see nations reach such ridiculous ideas. Oh, we can't be fair about oil prices. Let's get rid of cars altogether and blow up all oil. Oh, it's really unfair we have clean drinking water third world countries don't, and we can't fairly distribute that so let's just blow it up.
This cheapens war. If they're gonna attack that kingdom, make it for a real reason.[22]
[6] Why unknown reasons? This has some seriously unfortunate implications, since it looks like you're pasting on ugliness cause that's required for these villains. "Look, these bad people didn't let go of the vengeful feelings and now they're ugly monsters."
Try at least making the reasons they're like this related to the events that destroyed them.
Also, nothing in this explains why Warp, when going insane, would only send his people after the saints when his actual plan is to wreck the entire world.[23] The Japanese version explicitly mentions that the demons (before Reda started his plot and took Kharon's throne) never were interested in world domination. Not to mention that you previously established that Warp has no issues with employing holy monsters himself.[24]
Suggestions : Judgment is a bionic monsters, perhaps aside of blowing up crap, it also released some sort of biological weapon which gradually wiped out the nation (explosions to cut off transport and teleportation gates and armies, bio weapons to ensure civilian death without risking destruction of the tech they want). It would make a lot more sense than destroy the technology that those other nations craved. Then Pfizgiy's people could be forced to mutate their own bodies with their technology to survive, and when they realize they can't really win back their kingdom because of Judgment and the enemies backing it up, they decide to destroy their legacy and flee.
About the nations, why not have it be only one country, or one faction that summons judgment? (Dunno whether you're keeping Judgment's summoning ritual, but if you do, summoning it only requires the right spellcasters, six elemental items and a green wind songstress, so it doesn't need an entire coalition of nations behind it. One powerhungry government/ruler with the right tools is enough).[25]
[7] While she would indeed be pissed at the idea of someone stealing him, she'd probably be even more pissed that Mondo is being mindraped.
[8] Any chance you can give that thing a name that isn't copyright infringement?[26]
[9] Bribing the court isn't that easy, actually. For one thing, not all judges are equally corrupt, nor are all juries full of evil idiots. Plus, the press notices if a criminal is constantly passed over. Ensuring that there isn't enough evidence, or discrediting evidence already gathered is much more effective. In that case, the bribes go to witnesses, who may or may not have been threatened as well.
[10] Contradiction with your own material : the entire first fic demonstrates he started it for generally good reasons, rather than revenge.[27]
[11] Teen Help seems to be an existing organization. Did you know you can get sued for slander if you write a fic about them being evil masterminds founded by a child abuser?[28]
Also, you suddenly say that McKnight gave Rokuna her sixth sense. That contradicts canon, where Rokuna isn't given the sixth sense by McKnight, it is given upon her arrival in the six gates world.[29]
[12] Speaking of turning people into monsters, what will their fate be? Pfizgiy herself proves that turning into a monsters doesn't degrade one's sanity, and even if these versions do, they once were people and still will have remnants of their minds. How is that going to be for the heroes, knowing that most of the cannon fodder are innocent, unknowing victims?[30]
[13] But you said that the d-reaper transforms the world, not kills it.[31]
[14] What about the rest of her people, who haven't be revived/summoned/whatever?[32]
[15] Why do they regard each other as equals?[33]
[16] You're treating the words redemption and remorse as synonyms when they aren't.
Remorse = regret caused by realization of guilt. Zaha had this the entire time, but he couldn't see a way out of his situation so he tried ignoring it by focussing on hating people.
Redemption = in literary terms, the author depicting a character as having changed their former ways.
Unlike redemption, which is an complete change of state, an emotion like remorse can be triggered by small events, or even the right people saying the right things. Whether a character acts on it depends on the circumstances and nature of what drove them to evil.
(Sucky authors do redemption without remorse or think it can only be done by killing the character.)
[17] While I like this idea cause it ups the tragedy, it does need to be credible. What exactly about Mondo is it that brought out her kinder side?[34]
[18] If she knows there is an afterlife, she might even consider that she's doing the world a favor by ridding them of their bodies.[35]
That said, who exactly is it that she can't forgive? The gods? Non existent faceless people?[36]
[19] If the worlds are linked, they can just summon everything they need to the human world.
[20] Why exactly didn't they do anything? Tacking this on without giving a good explanation doesn't change to so far, you've characterized them as benevolent helpers, yet then decided they didn't do anything because the plot demanded it, no reason given. This is exactly the problem I have with [Genesis of an Adventure].[37]
Also, if Pfizgiy is the only one brought back into existence, then what about the others of her people? Any chance they'll get a better fate than whatever hellish afterlife they're stuck in? (Cause if the afterlife was anything heavenly for them, then Pfizgiy would have no reason to do what she does).[38]
[21] No romantic resolution for Mondo and Rokuna? Given that by this point, they've got like two decades of life behind them and all the memory of another hundred years in the afterlife, thus rendering them mentally like 120, wouldn't it be about time they finally tie the knot?
Follow-up emails.
Me:
[22] Given that whole explanation, you might be interested in sporking the Sonic fic Egregious Exile, because that's where I got the idea from:[39]
"Uh… You know about the Ambrosians, right? I don't know if they cover it in school…"
Amy shrugged. "I thought Ambrosia was just an empty continent. But I never listened in school anyway, so I wouldn't really know."
Sonic chuckled. "Can't blame you. I myself hardly even went to school… When the war was over I enrolled again but I couldn't sit still, so I skipped class most of the time. But I'm getting off topic… Right, Ambrosian civilization has been extinct for a couple generations now," Sonic explained. "They had migrated to the north thousands of years ago and survived through the centuries in small numbers. Their lives were devoted to science and philosophy, according to the old ways… whatever that means. But when they were found out about 200 years ago, their knowledge and civilization, which had become some kind of utopia, became wanted. Rumor had it that they possessed at lot of ancient scrolls… You know, from Antiquity. Supposedly they'd retrieved it when the ancient empires fell, and it's the reason these scrolls were lost all of these years. Long story short, when none of the different countries could agree on how to share the Ambrosians' knowledge, the monarchies bombed Ambrosia and extinguished its people."
Amy opened her mouth in shock. "But… They were all killed? All the other countries just ganged up on them?"
Sonic made a gesture to nuance Amy's point. "Not exactly. All the different powers were at war with each other. They just wiped out the Ambrosians to make sure none of their rivals could, uh… retrieve the loot."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3355820/3/Egregious_Exile
Still, in real life, there was also that era in history when all the different countries in Europe did decide who should be allowed to conquer what countries in Africa, without any regard for those countries' rights to self-government.[40]
[23] He didn't. The demons took it upon themselves to wage war against the saints, after their god was imprisoned.[41] Warp wanted to be set free first, which was why he employed first Reda (who instead used the powers he entrusted to him to try to do what he does in canon), and then the twelve-member coalition, which actually does their job and includes monsters of all elements, including Holy.
[24] That would mean that the villain team in part I is gonna need a different goal from what they currently have.[42]
[25] Could go with that, sure.
[26] Not sure why copyright infringement would be a problem now, when 1) that's exactly what fanfiction does by definition,[43] and 2) I would disclaim it as my own entity and am not making money off of anything.[44] By that logic, we'd have to change the names of all canon characters, not to mention Nickelodeon and Giygas (the latter which was originally the Big Bad's name in Earthbound, but was something else entirely in E Revolution), which has never been the case. I even remember you advising me, regarding the Molebear Brothers after I determined their species, that I just give credit to whoever owns the rights to the game franchise the species canonically belongs to.
Not that it's any big deal, but would you mind at least explaining to me what the difference is?
[27] This was his own motivation to start the cult, after Gasejo granted him the powers he has in exchange for his services to Mon World. Though, you might be right. If that was his main goal, then chances are, he should have sent his fighting force after van Slyke even before Pfizgiy could make a comeback, given how many years he had even before the 9/11 attacks took place.
[28] Well, at least from a good amount of what I've read for a while, that seems to be true enough. Take a look at this website to start:
http://www.heal-online.org/
Plus, unless the difference is that the events of part III are obviously impossible, then I guess I shouldn't be writing anything relating Nickelodeon to Osama bin Laden.[45]
[29] What I meant, was that Gasejo activated his sixth sense and his superhuman powers and abilities such as Speed, Strength, Healing, etc. The latter is what he gives to the Knights when the ritual begins.
[30] Pfizgiy still has control over them when she wants them to fight. Obviously, this would not bode well with the Knights.
[31] Well, it doesn't kill people outright, but still...
[32] She probably would have revived or summoned them already.
[33] Even though Pfizgiy is a much more powerful being, she is grateful to van Slyke for helping her return to life. She does not believe in You Have Outlived Your Usefulness, and over time, they come to love each other romantically.[46]
[34] Mondo befriended her when she came into his life, and unlike with van Slyke, none of their interactions involved harming children or plotting the end of the world as we know it. Mondo shared stuff about his personal life, and did things together with her that weren't evil. (In other words, Have You Ever Tried Not Being Evil?)[47]
[35] You said yourself before that there is no afterlife in Rokumonverse. Unless you're referring to the *second* life that certain people are born to 100 years after birth, which is in the same plane of existence.[48]
[36]The gods, for having done nothing, and everyone who was actively involved in decimating her race and her homeland.[49]
[37] That was the mistake they had since learned from, and where they promised since to actively intervene in times of crisis instead of allowing things to unfold themselves.[50]
[38] Only Pfizgiy was previously dead. The rest of the shoggoth had been most likely in hiding somewhere or other the whole time.
Overall, most of what you've commented goes to show that this whole ficseries is probably best written over from scratch.
Back in 2004, only two years after the anime aired here, there were only gonna be two parts, and I had no idea what was going to happen, except for Nickelodeon being involved in part II. I wasn't familiar enough with most of the monsters to decide what their roles would be. Didn't help either that the dub changed so much things from canon, and even when I got the Japanese DVDs a year later, no subtitles means that I could only know what was being shown, not all the finer details.
Furthermore, while I still am interested in having an ensemble of twelve kids, each with a unique weapon and respective element, most of what I established plotwise basically isn't gonna work. Would like to write at least one fic for Mon Colle Knights,[51] but right now, I'm also much more interested in writing Parasitic Trio than I am in writing Monster Collection Chronicles.[52] If you'd like to help me rethink everything, your ideas are more than welcome.
Chelle:
[39] Maybe if I get back to sporking again, but right now I've got plenty of fuel.
[40] 1. Africa was not technologically advanced and did not possess anything that could ward off people. Nothing in conquering Africa would make one country a threat to another, unlike when say, one person gets the weapon tech and another the cook tech. Africa is not comparable to the pre-shoggoth civilization.
2. I'm pretty sure nobody blew up all of Africa when they disagreed about how to do that. They just argued and conquered.
Your example of how the shoggoths came is be is like saying that the various unrelated people in Africa all decided that because they couldn't have America and Europe, they would have to blow it up those continents.
[41] But why? Why would they do that when they know it's the five gods who sealed Warp and the angels had nothing to do with it, nor would defeating the angels contribute in any way to their god being unsealed?
[42] Not necessarily, since your villains are a small religious group that doesn't represent the demons as a whole, and their goal just is to free their god and have him run things.
[43] No, Fair Use is in play. Ever noticed that ff.net has a few authors who asked them to not host fanfic based on their work? If you don't see the owners of a franchise/story listed there, they most likely consider fanfiction to fall squarely under Fair Use.
[44] It's kinda funky how ff.net works about it, but someone did in fact once get banned for plagiarism over small word use, so it's best to play safe. Since the name of the item isn't all that relevant to the plot, why not just play it safe and make it a homage? Granted, not likely to happen.
[45] Remember how I told you that ff.net forbids fanfiction based on real people? That's cause people can and will sue when they don't like what they read about themselves. It's also likely to cause epic backlash if anyone ever reads it through, cause the shows airing on Nick don't remotely resemble what Islamic propaganda would look like (for starts, how many female Nick characters have their hair exposed?)
[46] But why? Gratefulness isn't the same as the sort of admiration that would lead such a powerful creature to regard someone as equal. Feeling like equals is usually something like sharing strength, intelligence or ideals/beliefs.
[47] If this involves her remembering how her life was before disaster struck, it could work.
[48] We were talking about my fics. As for canon all I did was point out that revival spells would render everything moot. You already established your world does have an afterlife and since they get reborn, there obviously is something that keeps existing after death to be reborn.
[49] Then why is she targeting the world, who were not involved? There'd need to be at least some desire for power involved.
[50]If they learned from that, then how come they left the rest of those shoggoths live in misery, instead of reintegrating them into the world? Their own powers might have been occupied elsewhere (keeping Warp sealed), but again, if Gasejo can visit McKnight and bless him, then she could also visit anyone of her servants and say, "hey, there's some miserable monsters there in desperate need of healing".
[51] Actually, the first fic has a solid frame now and the third is also a workable concept. I wouldn't suggest getting rid of that. If aiming for one at least, just focus on the first first.
[52] Then go ahead with that, it's best to focus on what you have an interest in, since that'll be where inspiration goes.
-----
(Last time I asked, not too long ago, Chelle said that she was still not up for brainstorming a new outline for Part I, which is what was since replanned as its own fic.)