(no subject)
Jul. 18th, 2016 07:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dmxratedRob took us and Grandpa paid to eat breakfast at this place called Red Oak Diner & Lounge. I had a stack of three chocolate chip pancakes and a side of corned beef hash and bacon.
Showed Rob when we got back how to navigate between pages on Fanfiction.net, and took the time to favorite my userpage and clean up his bookmarks bar, creating a new folder with that page (named "Eric's fanfiction") listed above everything he already had marked individually. He also commented on my userpic, which I specified as Minami from Lucky Star; today, I might email him the full-sized image and a link to her debut scenes (episode 14, 2:34 and 3:38).
Aunt Allison and Uncle Blas came over to take Grandpa home with them, and left just moments before me and Brian.
-----
Soon as Brian and I headed home, I brought up my old plans for Retro Savior, after recently stumbling upon this game series called Gussun Oyoyo. I've already talked with Jake a year ago about how much dingier anime* tends to look the older it is (especially compared to video game graphics and box art even from the same time), and how slightly jarring this becomes for me when I'm used to newer, more readily available stuff. I actually started a thread on AnimeSuki to ask for well-dubbed retro anime (on which three different people suggested Nadia: The Secret of Blue Water, Golden Boy, and Cowboy Bebop; will probably try out the first of those, along with Slayers, which Chelle likes) and browsed Wikipedia for stuff by the decade and year.
(*Okay, so there was no anime series that I saw anything about, but it would still be easy enough for many to picture stuff looking cleaner and crisper by default in a commercial or full-motion cutscene than how they would've actually looked back in the mid-'90s.)
Anyway, I went on to describe what I really wanted (for myself, mainly) out of Retro Savior and how I might simplify my plans from a company to a simple website similar to ROMhacking.net. Brian in turn explained that such ambitions would take years of dedication, be it to learn how to dub, how to build a website, or learn Japanese, and how lots of people come up with ideas but fail to foresee how much work would really be involved (my experiences with Japanese and how they all ended a few years ago is a perfect example).
Given all my experience to date, I'm probably better off sticking to writing and seeing Parasitic Trio through, and he commends me for having changed direction instead of giving up altogether following all my frustration this past year with Starbound and the Cibus project. He also mentioned how much it would help to take Japanese classes again, where I might learn better than by teaching myself again, especially since I have more free time than most people due to government insurance and still lacking a job.
-----
Had to stop in Port Jefferson to pick someone named Bonnie up somewhere in town. Brian brought her to the beach shortly after bringing me home.
-----
Earlier on, first thing in the morning, I continued to rehash everything wrong with my experiences at Dowling in my head, came to recognize everything much more objectively, and proceeded to write it all down in my notebook. I only planned on telling Mom about it if the subject came up, but she instead walked in on me re-reading it for myself and asked if it was yet more negativity or if I had written anything positive down. I showed her then, and she expressed relief about how well I'm finally coming to terms with everything that happened, and how glad Marie would be to read such a thing.
I've already mentioned how Mom meant Suffolk County Community College as a low-cost test to see whether I was fit to attend college at all. Busy as that may have been, I never had any hard feelings about it, because I already expected beforehand to attend college after completing high school and expected to move on and look for work after graduating from there.
My notion that my parents would rather have me burn myself out (with a whole simultaneous multitude of assignments each week and semester that Mom seemed not to know about) and enjoy next to nothing in life than let me skip assignments could not be further from the truth. The toll all my interactions with Vincent were taking on my mental health since at least the previous summer, culminating in a pissy phone call laying out my intentions to cancel a tutoring session that he escorted me to student services to make after I had failed two midterms, is exactly why she asked the school to remove me from the Dowling Project.
Chances are, what really pissed Mom off whenever she found out about something I was neglecting was certain trust she placed on me that I had been betraying the whole time after she presumably stopped checking Blackboard partway through my first semester based on said trust. At any one point, I could have taken some time to write down how I spend my time each day and why, such as how little each day I was able to write to my New York history paper upon getting down to that or how obsessive-compulsive I became with Makeruna! Makendou Z during my spring '09 semester (getting me a new, PC-FX-compatible TV set would've helped, although that might not have been feasible at the time), and we might have been able to work something out from there. For the most part, it just didn't occur to me to request either help with managing my schoolwork better or some sort of compromise; this entry only arose from frustration with being monitored through Blackboard that I brought up with Dr. Perret, and my habit of pacing around in the hallways during class only came up by accident during my final semester. (Simply trying to get a grip on that didn't work, and Chelle even explained a few weeks later why that need arises.)
This line from Dad, "What would you be doing [with more free time than I had], looking at girls in their underwear?", and the lecture he gave me just moments later about where I was headed with life, is exactly part of the reason I was afraid to bring anything up with him. I didn't know how to explain to him what I really wanted to do with my life aside from video games and fapping to stuff, or that what I had up at the moment was something I was using as a template while drawing (even though most of what I used to draw in general was still cheap fanservice and fetish art). That's exactly why I feared he wouldn't take me seriously (or would otherwise just tell me to get a grip on my schoolwork, without even trying to understand my capabilities and limitations), but it had only occurred yesterday that seeing a Pokesho pic of May in a bikini up on their computer would not incline anyone to believe that their son actually takes school seriously enough to complain about how hard it all is to keep up. (Not to mention how much of a turnoff anime itself is for him regardless of the subject matter.)
Mom also explained the other night that that requirement to take a minimum of four classes each semester was just state law regarding insurance benefits, that there wasn't anyone to meet with to make arrangements otherwise, and that that had all changed under federal law since I graduated due to the state of our economy and how many other people are still living with their parents at my age or even older. Until then, I just thought that she simply neglected to speak to anyone at my several requests over time (to only one of which she stated point blank that it's not up for negotiation, but then again, she was kinda upset with me for having just mentioned cheating on an exam).
What bothered me the most to this day was my failure to tell Mom off for having waited till the last evening, when I was about to engage in an RP with Jake after having already studied for my remaining exams the whole day, to then go over some stuff for Chinese history that I had been asking her for help with the whole week or so prior. I know I did put my foot down by dropping straight out of the CENY day program three years later, but I could have done a better job even with that; what I should have done during my last session there was get right in Jushean's face and ask her whether we're actually gonna do stuff or I'm just being expected to make small talk with others there, and then just grab my backpack, call Rick out for having lied to me about what the program would involve, and leave regardless of any possible confrontations at home.
Mom did explain to me time and time again that she and Dad are satisfied with having obtained my bachelor's degree. The reason I believed otherwise had still to do with Dad's lecture to me about having skipped so much of my schoolwork upon overhearing something I told Brian. Mom told me that that was the year he was later diagnosed with prostate cancer, and aside from what she explained to me about how he worries about our well-being when he dies or is otherwise unable to take care of us anymore, he's probably had it for a while to affect his mood in general from time to time.
As of right now, Mom is still waiting to hear back from that place we've twice been to recently. I the meantime, I might need to remind myself that stuff Chelle reblogs on tumblr and tags "(in)equality" and either "ableism" or "economic" does not apply to me. I did consider abandoning Tumblr altogether, but Chelle does reblog lots of interesting stuff that doesn't trigger me to think that the world was just out to get me that whole time.
Showed Rob when we got back how to navigate between pages on Fanfiction.net, and took the time to favorite my userpage and clean up his bookmarks bar, creating a new folder with that page (named "Eric's fanfiction") listed above everything he already had marked individually. He also commented on my userpic, which I specified as Minami from Lucky Star; today, I might email him the full-sized image and a link to her debut scenes (episode 14, 2:34 and 3:38).
Aunt Allison and Uncle Blas came over to take Grandpa home with them, and left just moments before me and Brian.
-----
Soon as Brian and I headed home, I brought up my old plans for Retro Savior, after recently stumbling upon this game series called Gussun Oyoyo. I've already talked with Jake a year ago about how much dingier anime* tends to look the older it is (especially compared to video game graphics and box art even from the same time), and how slightly jarring this becomes for me when I'm used to newer, more readily available stuff. I actually started a thread on AnimeSuki to ask for well-dubbed retro anime (on which three different people suggested Nadia: The Secret of Blue Water, Golden Boy, and Cowboy Bebop; will probably try out the first of those, along with Slayers, which Chelle likes) and browsed Wikipedia for stuff by the decade and year.
(*Okay, so there was no anime series that I saw anything about, but it would still be easy enough for many to picture stuff looking cleaner and crisper by default in a commercial or full-motion cutscene than how they would've actually looked back in the mid-'90s.)
Anyway, I went on to describe what I really wanted (for myself, mainly) out of Retro Savior and how I might simplify my plans from a company to a simple website similar to ROMhacking.net. Brian in turn explained that such ambitions would take years of dedication, be it to learn how to dub, how to build a website, or learn Japanese, and how lots of people come up with ideas but fail to foresee how much work would really be involved (my experiences with Japanese and how they all ended a few years ago is a perfect example).
Given all my experience to date, I'm probably better off sticking to writing and seeing Parasitic Trio through, and he commends me for having changed direction instead of giving up altogether following all my frustration this past year with Starbound and the Cibus project. He also mentioned how much it would help to take Japanese classes again, where I might learn better than by teaching myself again, especially since I have more free time than most people due to government insurance and still lacking a job.
-----
Had to stop in Port Jefferson to pick someone named Bonnie up somewhere in town. Brian brought her to the beach shortly after bringing me home.
-----
Earlier on, first thing in the morning, I continued to rehash everything wrong with my experiences at Dowling in my head, came to recognize everything much more objectively, and proceeded to write it all down in my notebook. I only planned on telling Mom about it if the subject came up, but she instead walked in on me re-reading it for myself and asked if it was yet more negativity or if I had written anything positive down. I showed her then, and she expressed relief about how well I'm finally coming to terms with everything that happened, and how glad Marie would be to read such a thing.
I've already mentioned how Mom meant Suffolk County Community College as a low-cost test to see whether I was fit to attend college at all. Busy as that may have been, I never had any hard feelings about it, because I already expected beforehand to attend college after completing high school and expected to move on and look for work after graduating from there.
My notion that my parents would rather have me burn myself out (with a whole simultaneous multitude of assignments each week and semester that Mom seemed not to know about) and enjoy next to nothing in life than let me skip assignments could not be further from the truth. The toll all my interactions with Vincent were taking on my mental health since at least the previous summer, culminating in a pissy phone call laying out my intentions to cancel a tutoring session that he escorted me to student services to make after I had failed two midterms, is exactly why she asked the school to remove me from the Dowling Project.
Chances are, what really pissed Mom off whenever she found out about something I was neglecting was certain trust she placed on me that I had been betraying the whole time after she presumably stopped checking Blackboard partway through my first semester based on said trust. At any one point, I could have taken some time to write down how I spend my time each day and why, such as how little each day I was able to write to my New York history paper upon getting down to that or how obsessive-compulsive I became with Makeruna! Makendou Z during my spring '09 semester (getting me a new, PC-FX-compatible TV set would've helped, although that might not have been feasible at the time), and we might have been able to work something out from there. For the most part, it just didn't occur to me to request either help with managing my schoolwork better or some sort of compromise; this entry only arose from frustration with being monitored through Blackboard that I brought up with Dr. Perret, and my habit of pacing around in the hallways during class only came up by accident during my final semester. (Simply trying to get a grip on that didn't work, and Chelle even explained a few weeks later why that need arises.)
This line from Dad, "What would you be doing [with more free time than I had], looking at girls in their underwear?", and the lecture he gave me just moments later about where I was headed with life, is exactly part of the reason I was afraid to bring anything up with him. I didn't know how to explain to him what I really wanted to do with my life aside from video games and fapping to stuff, or that what I had up at the moment was something I was using as a template while drawing (even though most of what I used to draw in general was still cheap fanservice and fetish art). That's exactly why I feared he wouldn't take me seriously (or would otherwise just tell me to get a grip on my schoolwork, without even trying to understand my capabilities and limitations), but it had only occurred yesterday that seeing a Pokesho pic of May in a bikini up on their computer would not incline anyone to believe that their son actually takes school seriously enough to complain about how hard it all is to keep up. (Not to mention how much of a turnoff anime itself is for him regardless of the subject matter.)
Mom also explained the other night that that requirement to take a minimum of four classes each semester was just state law regarding insurance benefits, that there wasn't anyone to meet with to make arrangements otherwise, and that that had all changed under federal law since I graduated due to the state of our economy and how many other people are still living with their parents at my age or even older. Until then, I just thought that she simply neglected to speak to anyone at my several requests over time (to only one of which she stated point blank that it's not up for negotiation, but then again, she was kinda upset with me for having just mentioned cheating on an exam).
What bothered me the most to this day was my failure to tell Mom off for having waited till the last evening, when I was about to engage in an RP with Jake after having already studied for my remaining exams the whole day, to then go over some stuff for Chinese history that I had been asking her for help with the whole week or so prior. I know I did put my foot down by dropping straight out of the CENY day program three years later, but I could have done a better job even with that; what I should have done during my last session there was get right in Jushean's face and ask her whether we're actually gonna do stuff or I'm just being expected to make small talk with others there, and then just grab my backpack, call Rick out for having lied to me about what the program would involve, and leave regardless of any possible confrontations at home.
Mom did explain to me time and time again that she and Dad are satisfied with having obtained my bachelor's degree. The reason I believed otherwise had still to do with Dad's lecture to me about having skipped so much of my schoolwork upon overhearing something I told Brian. Mom told me that that was the year he was later diagnosed with prostate cancer, and aside from what she explained to me about how he worries about our well-being when he dies or is otherwise unable to take care of us anymore, he's probably had it for a while to affect his mood in general from time to time.
As of right now, Mom is still waiting to hear back from that place we've twice been to recently. I the meantime, I might need to remind myself that stuff Chelle reblogs on tumblr and tags "(in)equality" and either "ableism" or "economic" does not apply to me. I did consider abandoning Tumblr altogether, but Chelle does reblog lots of interesting stuff that doesn't trigger me to think that the world was just out to get me that whole time.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-17 03:33 pm (UTC)Me liking Slayers is relative. Some of the characters, relationships and setting stuff, yeah. Story, plotting, pacing, humor or themes, not so much. I would never recommend it in general, and knowing what kind of humor and animation quirks you dislike, I'd say skip Slayers.
For Japanese, if you pick it up again, try Memrise's Japanese courses, effective the memory training parts of language learning.
http://www.memrise.com/
.... stuff that doesn't trigger me to think that the world was just out to get me that whole time.
What entries made you think that?
no subject
Date: 2019-07-17 03:35 pm (UTC)These few from January 31 were the first:
-The other day I got very mad at someone because their justification of why a family didn’t deserve their council house was because they had decorated the front of their house with xmas lights. DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO LIVE WITH NO SMALL PLEASURES AT ALL?!?!? DO YOU REALLY?!?!
-This is one of the great end results of capitalism: we treat people as if the only thing they should care about are their mechanical needs but without things to nourish the soul or the capacity to talk about same, we fall apart.
We aren’t meant to be things which sit in blank boxes waiting to be used by our employers. Nothing in nature acts that way. Nothing’s meant to.
-We once had a shitty person tell us we should cancel our Netflix account if we were struggling to make ends meet, as if the extra $7 a month was going to make some sort of difference that offset the loss of something to watch, since we didn’t have cable or anything.
That's what those few things made me feel in retrospect about my personal time and agenda: As if I was expected way back then to give it all up in order to get all my assignments done. As if my daily agenda should have consisted of going to each of my classes for that day, sitting at my desk from beginning to end of each class, using my downtime to do nothing but get my homework done (except for lunch, of course), and just toughing it through the resulting burnout while the actual quality of what I get done suffers (if I even do make any actual headway) and I fail to absorb anything I read (a lot of which takes more than one readthrough to begin with in order to understand). Mom was only aware of how much work I actually had on my plate for part of the first semester (via Blackboard), I had reason to assume that Dad would've just said "I know it's easy to kick back, but sometimes, you just gotta do it," and Vinnie making such a huge deal about the grades I could afford (starting when I mentioned not remembering what grades I scored on previous classes or tests, to which Taylor, a fellow DP member, replied that he'd do his tests over again) did not help one bit.