I'm sorry, Jake.
Sep. 18th, 2017 08:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dmxratedIn addition to what I wrote yesterday and deleted last night, I said some hurtful things to Jake the day and so before. All those few things were on impulse, because nothing seems to matter anymore. Every attempt I've made these past two years to derive fulfillment from something just ended in one more failure, like I was never meant to have some fandom legacy to leave behind when I die.
Two days ago, Mom and I were running some errands, starting with the library to pick up some books I had on hold. She was the one to bring that up first, when we were leaving the gym that morning, before I asked about it again several times later for the sake of planning. That much went smoothly, and then she made another stop to Savers. I hopped over to Stop & Shop to pick up some cookies, but after that, could only pace around in an aisle before she showed me some tupperwares she found for said cookies. By that point, I just wanted to go home and sleep everything off, she told me she wouldn't be long, and I replied that she always says that and then takes around half an hour, and she got annoyed in turn and gave me the keys back to the car. (She actually did take only five more minutes.)
(In fact, had I gone on to live independently after college, I might very well have disowned my parents for such disregard for my own agenda that they seemingly displayed, such as by never negotiating to have me take fewer than four classes each semester, although I would still have welcomed any attempts to reconcile. It's a good thing I had continued living with them, having only concluded things about that more than a year ago.)
I also asked Chelle the other day how her mental recovery is going so far. That was on impulse, and I knew she still wouldn't have any real timeframe planned out, but I figured that maybe learning about the details would help me draw some kind of estimate. It does help that she mentioned to someone on Tumblr, having the spoons to read others' fanfiction and try out new shows again, from which I went on to remind her of Stars Above and suggest Divine Gate, but there are still things surrounding a certain subject that she told me only last week that she's tired of at this point, mostly in relation to what she might be willing to critique when she's ready in general. (Chelle, just hear me out when I do bring it up. I'm not gonna bombard you with this and that. I've got things drafted up for that point, since now still isn't the time, which is why I didn't contact you directly.)
I had also pulled the plug on what's gonna be my last attempt to recruit anyone for Unwilling Service. Only two people even bothered to apply (although Heather did come back, long after I stopped expecting to hear from her), which tells me that there aren't that many people left who might still be interested in the project. The fact that I even had to upload it a third time, because of nearly everyone I hire fizzling out and half of those I put on hold obviously moving on (evident from their lack of a response when I call them up), should speak volumes how well that's all gone.
In addition to that, there's not even any fulfillment left to derive from the story itself. All it is now is a reminder of how badly Jake had alienated me. To his credit, he did deny his own feelings as an excuse for having left such trust and consideration as mine unfulfilled. However, when I asked him what he meant about half-measures, among other things, he specified my ban on muscles being one of them. How he felt is up to him, but that just left me the impression of a six-year-old who ignores some instructions given to him and does things his own way, and then upon being called out, decides that he hates whatever involves them. Like he just decided not to take me seriously in the first place when I laid out a simple rule.
(In addition to all that, I can't help but also remember various other moments that didn't go so well between me and him. Not gonna take him on a guilt trip, though; I'm only mentioning that to explain what led me to treat him in such a way that he'd tell me off just last night.)
My decision to stop dealing with the story altogether also has to do with that still-planned trip to Japan, from which the story would also suck funding for as I pay others to flesh out each chapter I write. However, at the same time, I have also gone on to fish for OC-oriented Cibus fics, built around the Cibus/Esuriens dynamic itself instead of reworking canon characters around said dynamic (which can still wait until Chelle's back). So far, no one has bitten, and John is still busy with Starcrossed Sisters, but I'll be sure to ask it of him when he's done. Meanwhile, while I am not going to write anything as a Christmas gift, I did also ask Brian if he'd write anything for me as such.
Right now, I've just asked Link-NM, the owner of Makendou Central, if he'd be willing to help me plan out my Makendou story, but I'm done getting my hopes up about anything at this point. I'd be grateful if he actually did show some interest, but the only reason I haven't commissioned anyone for that is because barely anyone is familiar with Makeruna! Makendou, and obesity as a fetish is also a niche interest.
Basically, I've been at wit's end, and Jake had at least half to do with it. That's why I became increasingly hostile to him and even quick to assume that he had decided to disengage with me when I tried to reach an understanding with him, despite having given him permission in the first place to come back to it later. (If anything, though, I should have started my following email to him with "On second thought" or something.)
I hope Jake will forgive me for that while still accepting responsibility for his failure and doing whatever he can, whenever he can, to make up for that, especially since he himself had treated me similarly before for similar reasons that he'd explain years later on LiveJournal. If he does, maybe we can have another go with Unwilling Service and some kind of agreement surrounding that whenever he's got his life back in order, especially if that's within a year from now before I head to Japan. If not, that would be all the more reason just to leave it behind.
Two days ago, Mom and I were running some errands, starting with the library to pick up some books I had on hold. She was the one to bring that up first, when we were leaving the gym that morning, before I asked about it again several times later for the sake of planning. That much went smoothly, and then she made another stop to Savers. I hopped over to Stop & Shop to pick up some cookies, but after that, could only pace around in an aisle before she showed me some tupperwares she found for said cookies. By that point, I just wanted to go home and sleep everything off, she told me she wouldn't be long, and I replied that she always says that and then takes around half an hour, and she got annoyed in turn and gave me the keys back to the car. (She actually did take only five more minutes.)
(In fact, had I gone on to live independently after college, I might very well have disowned my parents for such disregard for my own agenda that they seemingly displayed, such as by never negotiating to have me take fewer than four classes each semester, although I would still have welcomed any attempts to reconcile. It's a good thing I had continued living with them, having only concluded things about that more than a year ago.)
I also asked Chelle the other day how her mental recovery is going so far. That was on impulse, and I knew she still wouldn't have any real timeframe planned out, but I figured that maybe learning about the details would help me draw some kind of estimate. It does help that she mentioned to someone on Tumblr, having the spoons to read others' fanfiction and try out new shows again, from which I went on to remind her of Stars Above and suggest Divine Gate, but there are still things surrounding a certain subject that she told me only last week that she's tired of at this point, mostly in relation to what she might be willing to critique when she's ready in general. (Chelle, just hear me out when I do bring it up. I'm not gonna bombard you with this and that. I've got things drafted up for that point, since now still isn't the time, which is why I didn't contact you directly.)
I had also pulled the plug on what's gonna be my last attempt to recruit anyone for Unwilling Service. Only two people even bothered to apply (although Heather did come back, long after I stopped expecting to hear from her), which tells me that there aren't that many people left who might still be interested in the project. The fact that I even had to upload it a third time, because of nearly everyone I hire fizzling out and half of those I put on hold obviously moving on (evident from their lack of a response when I call them up), should speak volumes how well that's all gone.
In addition to that, there's not even any fulfillment left to derive from the story itself. All it is now is a reminder of how badly Jake had alienated me. To his credit, he did deny his own feelings as an excuse for having left such trust and consideration as mine unfulfilled. However, when I asked him what he meant about half-measures, among other things, he specified my ban on muscles being one of them. How he felt is up to him, but that just left me the impression of a six-year-old who ignores some instructions given to him and does things his own way, and then upon being called out, decides that he hates whatever involves them. Like he just decided not to take me seriously in the first place when I laid out a simple rule.
(In addition to all that, I can't help but also remember various other moments that didn't go so well between me and him. Not gonna take him on a guilt trip, though; I'm only mentioning that to explain what led me to treat him in such a way that he'd tell me off just last night.)
My decision to stop dealing with the story altogether also has to do with that still-planned trip to Japan, from which the story would also suck funding for as I pay others to flesh out each chapter I write. However, at the same time, I have also gone on to fish for OC-oriented Cibus fics, built around the Cibus/Esuriens dynamic itself instead of reworking canon characters around said dynamic (which can still wait until Chelle's back). So far, no one has bitten, and John is still busy with Starcrossed Sisters, but I'll be sure to ask it of him when he's done. Meanwhile, while I am not going to write anything as a Christmas gift, I did also ask Brian if he'd write anything for me as such.
Right now, I've just asked Link-NM, the owner of Makendou Central, if he'd be willing to help me plan out my Makendou story, but I'm done getting my hopes up about anything at this point. I'd be grateful if he actually did show some interest, but the only reason I haven't commissioned anyone for that is because barely anyone is familiar with Makeruna! Makendou, and obesity as a fetish is also a niche interest.
Basically, I've been at wit's end, and Jake had at least half to do with it. That's why I became increasingly hostile to him and even quick to assume that he had decided to disengage with me when I tried to reach an understanding with him, despite having given him permission in the first place to come back to it later. (If anything, though, I should have started my following email to him with "On second thought" or something.)
I hope Jake will forgive me for that while still accepting responsibility for his failure and doing whatever he can, whenever he can, to make up for that, especially since he himself had treated me similarly before for similar reasons that he'd explain years later on LiveJournal. If he does, maybe we can have another go with Unwilling Service and some kind of agreement surrounding that whenever he's got his life back in order, especially if that's within a year from now before I head to Japan. If not, that would be all the more reason just to leave it behind.