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Jan. 1st, 2019 07:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dmxratedBrian had commissioned for a 3D model of Kagami with her hair updone, and showed me three days ago. I happened not to like the shape of her hairdo there, mentioned that as an honest opinion, and he took that as a request to ask his contractor to do it some more and gave me an earful about it, which included how I should learn how to modify and even create things myself, before I cleared things up with him not long thereafter.
Mom at some point asked me into my room, and explained that beyond a nice thoughtful gift, Brian would also have liked for me to expand my horizons and try out Unity, the program used to create the image. I told her that I would rather not get into anything, because I never actually enjoyed drawing to begin with before I started commissioning others for pictures back in 2011, and the way things are with me (more on that in a bit), I would really prefer to keep my life simple and maintain focus on my two main fanfics.
I know that no one is actually forcing me to try anything new instead of paying others to do just about everything I want done for me, but this is not the first time this topic has come up, it's probably not gonna be the last, and at the same time, there is no telling when it will come up again.
So, I went on to write about it in my notebook (a new one I got for Christmas, btw), and it all boils down to keeping things simple for myself. Mentioned to Brian the next morning, and he chalked it up to laziness and stated how unfair he finds such a thing when I'm the only one out of all of us who has ample free time and can spend up to a whole week playing a given game for a whole week just to recharge my muse.
Mom wanted to see that pic, and Brian and I tried to install Unity onto our computer at least to view it, but it turned out not powerful enough to support that program.
That evening, I wrote into my notebook how many different things I've already failed at due to a lack of exclusive focus: Any number of fanfic ideas I thought up throughout college but rarely even began, my old plans for Retro Savior and AnimeHippie that never went anywhere, the plot I thought up to Monster Collection Chronicles that proved utterly broken when I shared it with Chelle, the aforementioned lack of enjoyment I derived from drawing (which I only did for short-term gratification anyway), the time it took to write only four chapters of Unwilling Service before I originally abandoned that after realizing how long it would take to complete at that rate (reviving it later originally as a diversion from another, year-long failure to get meaningful help rebooting Cibus Esculentus Madoka Magica personally), the four-year hiatus I took from Starbound during which I barely managed to accomplish anything, and I've also seen any number of fanfics Jake would start and rarely get far with, for reasons he once explained to me involving how his brain works.
Basically, I had already come to conclude that if I am ever to succeed at any one thing, I would have to dedicate myself to it at the exclusion of nearly anything that isn't a simple diversion. At such a rate as I described, how can I have faith in myself to fit other hobbies into my life and still get both Starbound and Unwilling Service done while I'm still alive?
Mom was pretty insightful when I showed her what I wrote, and cited The Ballad of Buster Scruggs (something Dad and Marie watched several months ago) as the product of what was actually many different stories started by Joel and Ethan Coen throughout their own writing career.
I went on to write some more about my issues yesterday morning, and showed it to Brian, hoping he'd be able to understand then where I was coming from. Instead, though, he got annoyed at me for harping over this, when I later cleared it up as a way to address what would need to be if I am to embrace anything outside of my main projects. (Between points, that exchange did get more positive as we went on to look at something he emailed me and then had me copy onto GoogleDocs. But, if I really didn't intend to improve myself, I would've more likely allowed him or Mom to bring it up again first, whenever that might happen, before showing it to them.)
-----
Chelle has finally concluded her hiatus, and invited me to discuss Starbound in depth with her again.
She did ask me to scrub her username from this blog, for the sake of her reputation that she would not want tainted by association with someone like me who talks about certain subject matter. I agreed to do so last night, and then thought things over as I slept, and decided that it might be even better, for myself as well, to delete some of the things I wrote. (For example, I'm not all that fond anyway of what I used to write about AnimeHippie for half of 2011, so I'll probably delete all of that.)
(That said, she had already decided months ago never to discuss the Cibus project or anything else that fetishizes fat people again, something she reached when she called me out for asking her outright to engage in any fanfic discussion after I saw a post of hers where she seemed to be doing just that with someone else. It was a misunderstanding between us, and I do wish we could discuss my project again, if mainly to commemorate with where we had left off before she closed shop, but I still do respect her wishes. I'm pretty sure she would decline a certain few pics today that she took upon herself to critique back in September '08, and if she actually does decide at some point to allow me to discuss anything like that with her, that's up to her.)
Mom at some point asked me into my room, and explained that beyond a nice thoughtful gift, Brian would also have liked for me to expand my horizons and try out Unity, the program used to create the image. I told her that I would rather not get into anything, because I never actually enjoyed drawing to begin with before I started commissioning others for pictures back in 2011, and the way things are with me (more on that in a bit), I would really prefer to keep my life simple and maintain focus on my two main fanfics.
I know that no one is actually forcing me to try anything new instead of paying others to do just about everything I want done for me, but this is not the first time this topic has come up, it's probably not gonna be the last, and at the same time, there is no telling when it will come up again.
So, I went on to write about it in my notebook (a new one I got for Christmas, btw), and it all boils down to keeping things simple for myself. Mentioned to Brian the next morning, and he chalked it up to laziness and stated how unfair he finds such a thing when I'm the only one out of all of us who has ample free time and can spend up to a whole week playing a given game for a whole week just to recharge my muse.
Mom wanted to see that pic, and Brian and I tried to install Unity onto our computer at least to view it, but it turned out not powerful enough to support that program.
That evening, I wrote into my notebook how many different things I've already failed at due to a lack of exclusive focus: Any number of fanfic ideas I thought up throughout college but rarely even began, my old plans for Retro Savior and AnimeHippie that never went anywhere, the plot I thought up to Monster Collection Chronicles that proved utterly broken when I shared it with Chelle, the aforementioned lack of enjoyment I derived from drawing (which I only did for short-term gratification anyway), the time it took to write only four chapters of Unwilling Service before I originally abandoned that after realizing how long it would take to complete at that rate (reviving it later originally as a diversion from another, year-long failure to get meaningful help rebooting Cibus Esculentus Madoka Magica personally), the four-year hiatus I took from Starbound during which I barely managed to accomplish anything, and I've also seen any number of fanfics Jake would start and rarely get far with, for reasons he once explained to me involving how his brain works.
Basically, I had already come to conclude that if I am ever to succeed at any one thing, I would have to dedicate myself to it at the exclusion of nearly anything that isn't a simple diversion. At such a rate as I described, how can I have faith in myself to fit other hobbies into my life and still get both Starbound and Unwilling Service done while I'm still alive?
Mom was pretty insightful when I showed her what I wrote, and cited The Ballad of Buster Scruggs (something Dad and Marie watched several months ago) as the product of what was actually many different stories started by Joel and Ethan Coen throughout their own writing career.
I went on to write some more about my issues yesterday morning, and showed it to Brian, hoping he'd be able to understand then where I was coming from. Instead, though, he got annoyed at me for harping over this, when I later cleared it up as a way to address what would need to be if I am to embrace anything outside of my main projects. (Between points, that exchange did get more positive as we went on to look at something he emailed me and then had me copy onto GoogleDocs. But, if I really didn't intend to improve myself, I would've more likely allowed him or Mom to bring it up again first, whenever that might happen, before showing it to them.)
-----
Chelle has finally concluded her hiatus, and invited me to discuss Starbound in depth with her again.
She did ask me to scrub her username from this blog, for the sake of her reputation that she would not want tainted by association with someone like me who talks about certain subject matter. I agreed to do so last night, and then thought things over as I slept, and decided that it might be even better, for myself as well, to delete some of the things I wrote. (For example, I'm not all that fond anyway of what I used to write about AnimeHippie for half of 2011, so I'll probably delete all of that.)
(That said, she had already decided months ago never to discuss the Cibus project or anything else that fetishizes fat people again, something she reached when she called me out for asking her outright to engage in any fanfic discussion after I saw a post of hers where she seemed to be doing just that with someone else. It was a misunderstanding between us, and I do wish we could discuss my project again, if mainly to commemorate with where we had left off before she closed shop, but I still do respect her wishes. I'm pretty sure she would decline a certain few pics today that she took upon herself to critique back in September '08, and if she actually does decide at some point to allow me to discuss anything like that with her, that's up to her.)