(no subject)

Jake told me he read both my previous entries, and only saw me blaming everyone else, and especially him, for my actions.

My fault for not having been clear about this in the first place, but I only meant to look at things objectively. Emotions are what drive someone to do something, and they don't come from nowhere. I do get that a person can still choose whether to act on them or not, but at the same time, it is only natural to want to hold others accountable for their decisions, and often enough, it's the right thing to do.

In this case, though, I do acknowledge having crossed the line between accountability and needless badgery.

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Mom later emailed me from work, asking what's going on. All I said at first was "Jake and I are done." Upon filling her in after she asked, she then suggested that maybe we both just need a break from eachother.

Whether Jake will or has accepted a more genuine apology I had gone on to email him, we can make things right later. Right now, I still need to sort my own agenda back out, and that includes simply putting Unwilling Service back on the back burner until next year.

Confused.

Need time to decide whether I actually wish to reconcile with Jake later on. Writing this, because now is not likely the time to bombard him with yet another email.

Jake. I'm sorry I made nearly everything about me. I'm sorry I became overly aggressive and acted so inconsiderately towards your agenda and situation. I'm sorry I gave you such a thing as permission to postpone further discussion for later, and then yanked it on you. I'm sorry I let all my emotions get the better of me. I'm sorry I came off as justifying myself when I only meant to analyze what ultimately led me to write "go fuck yourself." I wish I hadn't gypped myself of certain answers by assuming at the point in question that they weren't coming anyway, and I would be grateful to hear whatever you would've had to say. Again, I know we both said everything we respectively said at the heat of the moment, and you'll need some time to cool down before deciding whether to stand by it all or not.

At the same time, though, let me say this just for the sake of honesty, because I know it's not right to ask someone to come back and then demand that they make up for their own actions: ( Read more... )

You're free to contact me whenever you wish, if you ever do, but otherwise, I'm probably gonna take between a few months and a year before we talk again, if it's back on the table even by then.