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Apr. 25th, 2010 06:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dmxratedWhat's one thing that Chelle got mad at me for just four and a half months ago? Bait tactics. And now, that's the main reason why me and Dad are not on good terms right now since just two nights ago.
Well, said two nights ago, Mom was watching Marie's commercial, and I was passing seven minutes before 8:00, so I decided to bring up something that was bothering me while she had the video paused. Namely, the fact that in some parts of the world, you don't get to choose yourself whether to get married, what job to go for, or whether or not to have kids. Those decisions are made by the parents, and considering how hard it was for me to do a damn thing aside from schoolwork and gaming while I was in college, I would have probably fled my family to seek my own interests if I were to live in any such parts of the world.
Dad then joins in and compares it to Apu from The Simpsons, and then tells me that we don't live in India. I then said that it's also true in China and Japan, and he interrupted me again, saying that we don't live there either. I then told him that I'm trying to make a point, and then just lost it and jumped up off the futon. He then told me to calm down, and then left. I told Mom nevermind, walked out of the computer room, and then reprimanded Dad for having interrupted me. He then told me to watch how I speak to him.
So, even though Dad interrupted me while I was speaking to Mom, Mom told me to see things from their perspective, and consider that maybe I interrupted her with something that had nothing to do with what she was watching.
So then, Dad goes on the computer, and me and Mom go into the dining room to talk about things, such as my tendency to remember previous things like this. Along the way, I tell Mom that I usually remind myself that the reason I continued going to college in the first place, even after I graduated from Suffolk, is because Dad already made the mistake of not having gone to college at all, which is why (or so I thought) he couldn't afford to hire someone to fix our house up instead of having to take care of it himself. When we got to that part of the conversation, this is where the aforementioned bait tactics begins: Dad began to make one wisecrack after another while I was trying to get through to Mom. At first, I thought he was just teasing me, but after a few minutes, Mom went to go speak to him. I overheard Dad say "His point is pissing me off", and then I sat down next to him and asked him what he meant by that. He then gave me this lecture about how going to college isn't good enough, and the difference between me and him is that he knows how to do something useful despite not having attended college, but I don't know how to do much of anything except type even though I have spent five and a half years at college. Furthermore, Dad fixes his own house not because we'd be poor if we hired someone else, but because he has the skills to do it, which I don't.
The next morning, Mom gives me this "Let it go" speech for the fourth time so far. But this time, I don't. I'm already determined to make it very clear that even if Dad does get mad at me, his insults and bait tactics are not gonna fly with me. Before he goes to work, I (reasonably enough) tell him that, and then he rekindles the dispute (which he said I started in the first place) by saying that he feels like such a loser when I talk about his lack of college education. As if it's some excuse to bait me with some wisecracks instead of just confronting me.
He then says that from now on, he'll just stay out of something that I'm only talking to Mom about, and I won't have to deal with him again. Mom then tells me to go into the other room while she speaks to Dad, and I could overhear her saying "Have a great day!" in a rather pissed off manner as he heads out the front door.
So far, me and Dad have had nothing to say to each other since then.
(Off topic, in case you're wondering, the girl in this post's avatar is Makoto Minagawa from Getter Love!! Just replaced Makoto Sawatari from Kanon, which I only used once and have little use for. The one post that used the latter is now marked with my default Mai pic.)
Well, said two nights ago, Mom was watching Marie's commercial, and I was passing seven minutes before 8:00, so I decided to bring up something that was bothering me while she had the video paused. Namely, the fact that in some parts of the world, you don't get to choose yourself whether to get married, what job to go for, or whether or not to have kids. Those decisions are made by the parents, and considering how hard it was for me to do a damn thing aside from schoolwork and gaming while I was in college, I would have probably fled my family to seek my own interests if I were to live in any such parts of the world.
Dad then joins in and compares it to Apu from The Simpsons, and then tells me that we don't live in India. I then said that it's also true in China and Japan, and he interrupted me again, saying that we don't live there either. I then told him that I'm trying to make a point, and then just lost it and jumped up off the futon. He then told me to calm down, and then left. I told Mom nevermind, walked out of the computer room, and then reprimanded Dad for having interrupted me. He then told me to watch how I speak to him.
So, even though Dad interrupted me while I was speaking to Mom, Mom told me to see things from their perspective, and consider that maybe I interrupted her with something that had nothing to do with what she was watching.
So then, Dad goes on the computer, and me and Mom go into the dining room to talk about things, such as my tendency to remember previous things like this. Along the way, I tell Mom that I usually remind myself that the reason I continued going to college in the first place, even after I graduated from Suffolk, is because Dad already made the mistake of not having gone to college at all, which is why (or so I thought) he couldn't afford to hire someone to fix our house up instead of having to take care of it himself. When we got to that part of the conversation, this is where the aforementioned bait tactics begins: Dad began to make one wisecrack after another while I was trying to get through to Mom. At first, I thought he was just teasing me, but after a few minutes, Mom went to go speak to him. I overheard Dad say "His point is pissing me off", and then I sat down next to him and asked him what he meant by that. He then gave me this lecture about how going to college isn't good enough, and the difference between me and him is that he knows how to do something useful despite not having attended college, but I don't know how to do much of anything except type even though I have spent five and a half years at college. Furthermore, Dad fixes his own house not because we'd be poor if we hired someone else, but because he has the skills to do it, which I don't.
The next morning, Mom gives me this "Let it go" speech for the fourth time so far. But this time, I don't. I'm already determined to make it very clear that even if Dad does get mad at me, his insults and bait tactics are not gonna fly with me. Before he goes to work, I (reasonably enough) tell him that, and then he rekindles the dispute (which he said I started in the first place) by saying that he feels like such a loser when I talk about his lack of college education. As if it's some excuse to bait me with some wisecracks instead of just confronting me.
He then says that from now on, he'll just stay out of something that I'm only talking to Mom about, and I won't have to deal with him again. Mom then tells me to go into the other room while she speaks to Dad, and I could overhear her saying "Have a great day!" in a rather pissed off manner as he heads out the front door.
So far, me and Dad have had nothing to say to each other since then.
(Off topic, in case you're wondering, the girl in this post's avatar is Makoto Minagawa from Getter Love!! Just replaced Makoto Sawatari from Kanon, which I only used once and have little use for. The one post that used the latter is now marked with my default Mai pic.)
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dislike
Date: 2010-04-25 05:19 pm (UTC)That you are taken up with cruelty, be it bullying, arranged marriage, or male-bashing, contrived as it is, should be cause for reflection. Why do you insist on re-hashing these same topics over and over, to our exhaustion, when you live such a comfortable and simple life? You are left to your own devices a great deal of the time, you are fed and sheltered, and educated, and at a great deal of expense I may add.
You should focus on being a better person yourself, because that is what we are all doing. It is foolish to think you could impose goodness on others, when you cannot even accommodate your own father. You should focus on having positive interactions with your family, and improving yourself so that you might someday provide for somebody as well. You may not think that is a worthy cause, but that is the only worthy cause.
Re: dislike
Date: 2010-04-25 11:56 pm (UTC)So, yeah, you have a valid point. But about Dad teasing me, I can tolerate various forms of it, but I mainly resent the interrupting and imitating episodes. I am not gonna put up with those, or any other forms that I deem cross the line. If it were anyone other than Dad or even Marie, I'd either tell them to stop or just avoid them if possible, but I've been through it a million times with Dad, and it's not like I can avoid *him* since, well, I kinda *live* with him, and he just doesn't learn that no means no.
Also, if he wants to lecture me about something, I'm open to it, but I will not simply sit back while he makes any derogatory remarks in the process. That, is when I'll just get up and leave (at the very least).
Re: dislike
Date: 2019-07-14 02:56 pm (UTC)A bait tactic is when you make a provocative remark in order to incite an argument, but it needs to be done deliberately. As you admitted during the conflict from a few months ago, you wanted to know the deal with the rating I gave an anime on MAL, and placed a scathing reference to it in an unrelated topic.
But in this case, a topic was already going, and while I can't look inside your father's head, the wise-cracking may simply have been his way of expressing annoyance since he doesn't like to be reminded. In fact, he seems to think that you were trying to bait him : "His point is pissing me off".
This is the moment where you should have clarified you didn't know that it bothered him.
Your mom has a good point about the rant having come on an unsuitable time. If you want to talk about something that bothers you, it's best to ask first whether the person you speak to has some time to listen. You were not aware either that your father was uncomfortable with being reminded about the school issue, and a further conflict might have been avoided if you had first asked why he did what he did.
Train yourself in asking why. Heck, even if I was angry at the situation months ago, I responded by posting an f-only blog entry and asking what the deal was. Why is one of the best questions a human can ask (and in a very few cases, the worst).
Likewise, it's a good thing your father agreed to not get in between conversations you have with your mom, since that means he does acknowledge the wise-cracking and such wasn't a solid thing to do.
The actual conflict seems to have started when you became angry, so yes, it did start with you. Several instances of unclear communication on both sides were what made it spin out as it did.
Iiexistential, here's why he rehashes such topics : autists display repetitive and obsessive behavior. It's a trait of the condition, simple as that. It will never go away.
A large part of your rant consisted of guilt tripping, and not telling him anything about how to change his behavior, nor explaining the other perspective.
Trying to wave off the topic with saying it doesn't apply is going to make it nag longer. Likewise, wise-cracking or lengthy reprimands are not going to change this trait. Clearer communication will : tell him it can be discussed later, or to write it down in his blog.
For the overall sort of conflict in this blog, explain the different perspectives involved and analyze what happened so that he can understand better. Guilt tripping to be more socially able doesn't work because autists don't have the inherent social instincts that neurotypical people have and you're appealing to get response of something that's not there.
Likewise, how should he focus on positive interactions and being a better person and not be self-centered? You don't mention anything like how he could start with anger management (there's the old "count to ten before you respond" method, for example, but there are better) or with learning to understand perspectives (this can be trained with a type of role play or in a simpler fashion, perspective switch writing exercises). Every social rule and perspective view needs to be manually programmed one by one.
Re: dislike
Date: 2019-07-14 02:56 pm (UTC)This seems unclear even to myself upon rereading, so what I mean to say, this is the point where you should have asked why he responded with wisecracking, instead of assuming it was intentional baiting (since the comment you overheard indicates he suspected you of the same thing). Your father could have helped things in the right way by explaining what the wisecracking meant (it seems to be his way of coping with an unpleasant fact) and why your comments were hurtful.
Where the initiative fails lies I cannot see, since I only know for as far as this blog tells me. Overall, I don't think either you or your family understand a lot of how to handle Autism/Aspergers. Where do you get your information? Books, magazines, anything?
Re: dislike
Date: 2019-07-14 02:59 pm (UTC)According to Mom, dealing with autism isn't just a matter of reading about it, but also a matter of knowing the person in question.
Yeah, maybe I should go for something like an anger management class, but to be honest, I once did ask Dad (politely) to stop during one instance of him imitating me. His response: "Toughen up!" Mom also told me this morning that sometimes, he gets in a funny mood (sometimes from drinking a glass of wine), but also, he doesn't want to foster a "bubble boy" persona in me. She told me that I'm gonna meet all kinds of people who are gonna be playful like that, but to be honest, most people I know or have known at one time weren't like that (maybe because I've had few or no close friends at any given point in my life). My old friend Matthew sometimes did tease me the way Dad does, but if I were still seeing him today and he crossed the line, I'd either send him home or just go home, depending on which one of us was visiting the other.
So, yeah. If anything else comes to mind, I'll post here.
Re: dislike
Date: 2019-07-14 03:01 pm (UTC)Which is exactly like the people who claim you can learn everything about autism only from reading scientific opinions and not personal stories. Both sides are denying that they might not know everything.
One can always pick up something from reading others experiences and may even find out new things that you never knew were related to autism, or learn about different techniques to train stuff. Or maybe just figure out that a "can't you try being not autistic" type of rant isn't going to help. Or you might have learned that things like imitation/interruption and other irritations play into the same overload problem that makes you have to leave classes to walk outside to come at ease, which is another thing you did not know was related to autism and they tried to talk you out of. You can't adapt to an autistic trait if you don't know it exists, so yes, there is reason to try and learn more.
Anger management classes might not help since they don't take into account autism. I was referring to other things, such as one autist I read about who dealt with anger outbursts by leaving the room. Another would be to write down a rant in private. (Personally, I like burning garbage paper.)
She advocated that I look at both points of view here, so as to have a well-rounded view of my disability. She said some stuff about how if it weren't for people like our family pointing out the differences between me and a neurotypical person, I'd be much worse off socially.
It's a good start but there also needs to be explanation of why some things are not socially acceptable. The blog event above could have been avoided at two points if there had been better explanations right off the bat.
My mom has your type of anger problems and inability to see by perspective, we've had our share of conflict and we worked till we no longer have them anymore, and I was halfway into typing an explanation how we managed that, but then I realized .... well, if you and your mom really do have the opinion that reading about it is irrelevant, would it be of any use to bother giving advice?
Re: dislike
Date: 2019-07-14 03:03 pm (UTC)Reading about autism is fine in the abstract, but the real focus of our family is to manage your coping skills, which you are well aware of. We can't educate society on being sympathetic to autists, but we can educate you on how to cope the best you can.
Lots of concessions are made for your disability, but you are still a member of society, another guy, who can be spoken to and reckoned with - without the label - without the explanation- It's sometimes frustrating, but it can be for each of us. It's all about doing the best you can.